Dead Religions

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I tried to purchase $250.00 with of Splash Bucks on your organization’s website so I could be a Tier Three Back the Birds dude, but your site is not allowing me to do so because it appears to be connected to your game schedule. Perhaps you have discontinued this promotion because you no longer like to make money, and I will be denied my brick in Robert Grissom Plaza and my placard on the outfield wall. 

Do you still have an outfield wall after the tornado that touched down? I saw some ominous pictures on social media, and I am pretty sure that Peter Woodfork, the new Dark Sith of MiLB will not approve if your wall is not upright again soon. The Lancaster JetHawks used to light their outfield wall on fire during fireworks displays, and now they might not have an affiliation soon. 

If the Back the Birds promotion is still a thing, can Pelicans merchandise be purchased online, or must in be purchased in person in the team shop? You see, I must really have some of the Pelicans’ pirate gear. I do not want any of 2020 Unflocking-Believable stuff because that is a failed promotion from 2014 which drew enough fan complaints that Andy Milovich [former minor league executive and all around legend] had to eat thousands of calendar magnets. No wonder he had to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during a prostate exam. I believe that was your first year with the Pelicans. How time flies. Remember, there are two type of MilB executives: lifers and quitters.

Did Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] tell you I was planning a trip to your region with an enclave of companion. All I am waiting on is the the information that goes on those calendar magnets. Well, that and the COVID body count around the time of travel. The way this group consumes alcohol, well, you might get a big chunk of lost 2020 revenues back in one night. 

So once you process my credit card, how long before my brick gets engraved? Could I get a picture of it? I mean there is no rush, but it might look good on my family Christmas card. It would be kind of cool if both you and Hunter were standing by it, all smiles. I would have to crop you guys out of the Christmas card though because that we be a bit weird. Maybe Hunter can wear his burgundy pants.

I really like the black Vansport Pro Highline Polo with the Pirate logo. I like it so much that I think my Saturday Team Play squad should use this design for our uniforms this year to strike fear into our opponents’ hearts while looking smashingly handsome. Not only our my teammates winners, but we are slaves to fashion. I bet you get this question all the time, but are group discounts available? We were thinking about making Hunter an honorary captain, but we are not sure if he is captain material, so he might have to settle for a mascot.

I see that Rochester went to the Nats. I must go offer them congratulations.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I have a neighbor down the street that has already put up and turned on his holiday lights. Can you personally do something about that? Maybe send him a cease and desist letter with a Myrtle Beach Pelicans’ letterhead to give it a fake sense of authority? I would handle the matter myself, but my professional calendar is rather full these days with all the impending affiliation shifts. I am in high demand these days because as you know, my advice is golden.

Yes, it was about this time last year that I was introduced to you, although you would not @ me for a few more weeks — December 9th, 2019. Have you ever thought how your life would have been different if you had not done that? Every day, I bet. I know I do, except on days I do not. 

Has your front office come to grips with the fact that you will almost certainly no longer be a Cubs’ affiliate going forward unless the Pelicans move to Low A Ball? Whatever the outcome, this should allow you immense personal growth, and the ability to nurture your outlaw spirit. Yes, Hunter, you are an outlaw, and MiLB will need outlaws under the reign of terror Major League Baseball is about to drop on the business we love. We are kindred spirits. You touched the devil and could not let go while I wrote a book with the movie in mind.

Peter Woodfork, Bobby Manfred’s new head minor league goon, will be coming for our freedoms very soon. Word on the street is the dude hates Knocker Ball due to a humiliating experience at an umpires’ symposium in Lowell back in 2012. How evil is is man? The Astros considered hiring him was their general manager in 2020. He reports to a character named Morgan Sword. MLB is not even trying to disguise the fact they are marching from Mordor. 

I have noticed your new Pelicans skull and crossbones gear. As an expert in minor league fashion, I would strongly suggest your organization make this your official brand, and drop the other family friendly stuff. Nobody wants to cuddle with a pelican. Give your mascot Splash a makeover and make him look like a Raiders’ fan, complete with chains, brass knuckles, and a large bastard sword. Don’t forget the bandana at a jaunty angle to complete that air of authenticity. You could have the baddest mascot on all the minor league circuits. More importantly, you could dress like a pirate for every game. Respectable women secretly crave pirates, Hunter, especially pirates with flowing hair. 

It will be nice when MiLB finally has a a schedule, and you and get busy ordering those magnetic schedules that everyone loves. I would like to make it to Myrtle Beach this summer to throw out a first pitch. I am supposed to be heading to Hilton Head for a little golfing expedition, and I am slowly working my entourage to jaunt up to your neck of the woods for more golf and a game. It would be rather nice if your organization provided ground transportation with a fully stocked bar from the airport. The crew I am traveling with tips rather well. I cannot finalize our travel plans until the magnets schedules come out though.

Remember, it is never too early to start planning the promotional schedule. Fecal Incontinence Night just does not happen by accident, and those Freddie Freeman Bobbleheads are not going to order themselves, especially since Freddie plays for the Braves. Once upon a time though, he was a Pelican, and I am told that never really leaves you. 

I need to go because my phone is being blown up by minor league staff who are wondering just who the hell they are going to be affiliated with going forward. The specter of the independent leagues looms large in Robert Manfred’s America.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear John Kantz [President; Columbia Fireflies]

I initially was writing to offer my condolences for being unceremoniously dumped on Twitter by the New York Mets, but then I saw you organization will soon be hosting a Rob Schneider Comedy Night, and perhaps the Mets are correct in their assessment. I know times are tough with COVID, but Deuce Bigalow was over twenty years ago. However, since I had such a wonderful time in your ballpark in 2019, I have decided to offer my services to you so organization can land a quality affiliation. 

You might be wondering who I am, but for now all you need to know at this point is that I am a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade, and perhaps the greatest Thirsty Thursday ambassador in minor league history. Over the years, I have slammed shots with many of the finest MiLB front office executives in the land (and some of the no so finest also). I believe our paths crossed in 2015 at historic William L. Grayson Stadium in Savannah, Georgia, but you did not offer me a drink, and you moved the team to Columbia shortly after that, so I did pursue any sort of communication.

Let’s face it, John, these are dark days for Hardball Capital. The Chattanooga Lookouts are probably going to lose their affiliation because there is no way to expand the clubhouses, and your organization was dropped like pregnant prom date by one of the most laughable organizations in Major League Baseball. Sure, the Fort Wayne TinCaps are still respected, but their mascot wears a tin pot on his head, and when have that ever ended well? The San Diego Padres just might want their High A team in their own time zone.  Right now, you are the Matt Harvey of MiLB. I can help fix that though and ensure your organization are no longer orphans of the storm. 

I realize you were instrumental with the opening in Banner Island Ballpark in Stockton, the second best stadium in the California League, but Columbia is a long way from California. It is a long way from anywhere for that matter, except Congaree National Park, which is why there probably are not many suitors knocking on your door right now. You need to get Segra Park all dolled up and strut her in front of the Washington Nationals. Unfortunately, your corporate sponsor is hardly unique as Segra Stadium in Fayetteville opened in 2019, and while your stadium is much nicer, when people think Segra, they think of the stadium of the minor league affiliate of the cheating Astros. Plus, my research indicates that there is a Segra Field in Leesburg, Virginia — a soccer facility for the USL.

While you just cannot dump your corporate sponsor, you could add a distinguishing moniker to it, say like Segra Field of the Palmetto State, or Segra Field: We Were Here Before Anyone Else. Or Segra Field, the official home of the New Thirsty Thursday. Oh, the people in Asheville will be up in arms about the last one, but we are about to reinvent the greatest tradition in minor league baseball. Plus, Asheville is probably going to get dumped by the Rockies, so they have other pressing matters to worry about.

Perhaps the best suggestion is Segra Field: An Outlaw’s Paradise. You see, John, MiLB is now under the oppressive yolk of MLB. Those fuckers are killing the Pioneer League just because they can. Bobby Manfred appointed Peter Woodfork as the new sheriff in town, and now the guy whose nickname was “Dick Dick” in Little League is going to try to mandate how you conduct your business. You can stand there and take it from Dick Dick, or you can embrace the outlaw spirit that made this country great. The choice is simple: die on your knees or live free on your feet.

You need to send a message quickly. I would suggest a Peter Woodfork Bobbleheed giveway that is paired with Fecal Incontinence Awareness Night. The first 50 fans through the gate get Dick Dick’s bobblehead, plus a clear path to the shitter. No sense ordering any more bobbleheads because who the hell wants a Peter Woodfork bobblehead? This is all about sending a message, just like Boyd Crowder used to do. Plus, being an outlaw will help turn the Fireflies into a national brand, which will increase your merchandise sales tenfold.

Yes, John I can show you how to embrace the outlaw spirit while expanding your brand. That is just what I do, which is why I am kind of a big deal on the minor league circuits. In no time we will have the Fireflies robbing Wells Fargo stagecoaches (symbolically of course because armed robbery violates the Terms of Service on most social media outlets). 

We can talk about my compensation in my next missive. Do not worry as I am spiritually wealthy, so financial compensation does not really trip my trigger. Well, it does a little bit, but I am sure we can work things out.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Hunter Horenstein {Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

The word on the street is that you were in my neck of the woods very recently. Sorry the Song of Vengeance Chapter of the Southern California Carolina League Backers did not invite you to one of our meetings, but we were busy putting the final pieces of our fantasy football teams together. Plus, the rumor is that you were here to interview with local minor league clubs, maybe even lobby David Elmore [Owner; Elmore Sports Mafia] to go all in to bring a AA league to California with teams in Fresno, Bakersfield, Escondido, Monterey, Fremont, San Jose, and your hometown of Long Beach. If Ryan Moore {General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] were shrewd, he would increase your salary significantly before he loses you forever.

Hey, I havre a few questions about the upcoming disc golf event at the Pelicans’ stadium.

1. Your website says no cleats, which is understandable since the course appears to include much concrete. However, is your staff well trained in the difference between lugs and cleats? Disc golfers can be very unpleasant when they feel THE MAN is suppressing them. And it is alright if participants go barefoot on the field to see how spongy the turf is?
2. Your website says alcohol will be “be available”. That is rather broad, Hunter. Available for purchase? Available as a prize in a wrestling match with a filthy hobo? Available in a keg stand? And just what type of alcohol is available? Well booze or top shelf?
3. Will the protective nets be up? Otherwise you will be looking at slow play on Holes 2 and 4, which will agitate the players. No one wants to pay twenty bucks to have to wait. I ask because the netting on Hole 4 on your website looks like it is about ready to fall down. You might want to have an engineer look at that.
4. Will the Team Shop be open during the disc golf competition? Do you sell shot glasses in your Team shop other than those KAPAN-KENT SKYLINE things? Those look suspiciously like the cheap shot glasses found in European tourist traps that cannot hold up to a freezer.
5. What is the Pelicans’ heckling policy during this event? Do you know what the heckling policy is at the Minor League Baseball Innovator’s Summit? I have a pretty good idea. From the rules concerning Prohibited Conduct: “Disruptive Conduct. You acknowledge and agree that Promo Corp. reserves the right to remove you from the Virtual Event if Promo Corp., in its sole discretion, determines that your participation or behavior create a disruption or hinder the Virtual Event or the enjoyment of the Virtual Event content by other Participants.” That is one crazy seminar that has an entire section of prohibited conduct.

I see you have been invited to speak there this year. Congratulations, that is well deserved feather in your cap. Feel free to name drop ol’ Bads85 as an appeal to authority.

Anyway, I doubt I will be making to your disc golf party since flights from the Inland Empire to Myrtle Beach are outrageous right now. However, I am tentatively planning on attending the Down East Wood Ducks’ Kinston Cornhole Classic presented by Poole Realty on November 7th. I was wondering if you would be interested in being my partner since my normal cornhole partners are either in prison or not allowed back into the United States because of visa issues. It is probably best as Kinston is not really ready for Bongwater or Fast Eddie. These are the type of guys who think it is funny to order the usual at restaurants they have never been to before. 

I am thinking you and I can clean up in cornhole even if you are not any good. Right now, I just need a pulse, a drinking partner, and a good companion for part of the ride because I am that good at cornhole because I have been cornholing all my life, long before it was called cornholing. I figured we can take boatloads of money from those rubes in Kinston with with a flurry of side bets, then get rip-roaring drunk with Wade Howell [General Manager] and send text messages to Mayor Don Hardy, making fun of the scoreboard at Historic Grainger Stadium. Once we are done playing with the mayor, we can get down to the serious business of saving minor league baseball from Robert Manfred.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Imagine my excitement when I saw your organization’s team shop is having a 40% off sale this weekend. I thought, “Hey, I can finally get that black Pirate hat and save it until winter while I wait for my pal Ryan to order some white ones.” Now imagine my disappointment when I saw the small print that said, “… excludes Pirate Logo.” In a year of disappointments, this was not really near the top, but it still stung a bit because what is Labor Day Weekend without an MiLB sale? It is like strawberry shortcake without whipped cream. I do have strong interest in purchasing a Home White Pelicans’ jersey because that is what Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement) wears most nights.

Speaking of Hunter, I was at Sam’s Club the other day stocking my new freezer with an assortment of meats, and I noticed management already had their Christmas displays on the shelves, which certainly would send our younger friend into apoplexy. If you recall, it was Hunter’s rather unsocial reaction to early holiday displays that brought us together. He @ed me about something I wrote in a letter to you, and things sort of spiraled. Let’s review the timeline:

1. Bads85 pens a motivational letter to Ryan Moore [General Manager, Myrtle Beach Pelicans] about being resilient after being shut out in the Golden Bobblehead completion in El Paso. Bads85 notes someone in the Pelicans; organization is severely lacking the holiday spirit.
2. Hunter Horenstein @s Bads85. Bads85 discovers BURGANDY PANTS.
3. Major League Baseball’s contraction plan of MiLB is released.
4. The final installment of Star Wars sucks.
5. COVID reached American shores. No one can get a decent haircut.
6. MiLB season is canceled, but that sweet, sweet PPV money kept franchise afloat…for now.
7. MiLB Negotiation team falls into shambles; owners are bitterly divided enter enter talks with MLB with no leverage, squandering all the political clout they accrued in the offseason.

Now I cannot say for certain that Hunter tore the space time continuum when he @ed me because I dropped out of engineering school during my junior year of college because organic chemistry was harshing my mellow. However, I would strong suggest that as Hunter’s direct supervisor, you look into this rather than incur more wrath from the baseball gods. You might be saying, “What else can the baseball gods do to us?” Plenty, Ryan, plenty.

Vicious rumors are circulating from the current negotiation between MilB an MLB. There is talk of MLB forcing High A and Low A leagues to flip levels, meaning the Pelicans would be a Low A Team while the South Bend Cubs, much closer to Chicago, would be the High franchise. There is also talk of Salem, Down East, Fayetteville, and Zebulon retaining their High A status since they are owned by Major League clubs, and joining Columbia, Kannapolis, Greensboro, and Augusta in the new fangled Carolina League. This would mean Charleston would be the Pelicans’ new rival, or worse Savanah as Myrtle Beach is delegated to a college wood bat leagues. In normal times, your team owner Check Greenberg could keep the monsters at bay. After all, the man saved hockey in Pittsburgh; he can certainly slap around Manfred’s goons. However, we no longer live in normal times because Hunter tore the fabric of the universe. 

As you well know, I am a problem solver, and I think I have come up with a solution that will appease the baseball gods. I think after your big Disc Golf Extravaganza in late September,  your organization should decorate TicketReturn.com Field in full winter holiday gala —lights, inflatables, ornaments, wreath, garlands, menorahs, etc. Perhaps the staff can wear Santa hats also — hey, maybe you can put the Pirate logo on a Santa hat and make some serious bank. Oh, I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your disc golf thingy because I have prior commitments because I answer the wind and leave with the tide.

Please do not be too hard on Hunter for bringing 2020 on us.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Sorry in my delay responding to your missive. The life of a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador is always intense, even during a pandemic. As that dude on the radio says, “It’s times like these you give and give again.” Thank your diligence regarding the Emeralds’ jersey I would like to purchase. I am not sure I would receive that sort of attention from Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], but that is why I have more Ems’ gear now the Pelicans’ gear. Organization can screech about their brand on social media until MilB is played in front of fans again, but quality customer service is the cornerstone to customer loyalty. 

I was interested in the green player worn batting practice jersey, Size 50 because I have broad shoulders used to carry the weight of the world. Thank you for offering to unstitch the Cubs’ logo yourself. I really like the pirate jersey, but you have none of those in my size. It is probably for the best as my wife would just that me as a sex object if I wore that jersey around the house.

Have you sold out of all your COVID t-shirts? I can on longer find them in your team store.They are a huge hit here in Southern California. I have worn them during Zoom meetings during distance learning, and my students tell me the shirts are GAS, which is the highest praise from a seventh grader these days. I even have friend in Canada that are interested in purchasing the shirts because Canadians love Sasquatch. This one guy, Sheer Tim Foli (STF), is making noise about becoming a real live Ems’ fan, so I am pushing your brand across international borders. STF is the type of guy that would establish a Toronto Eugene Emeralds Backers Association, which would be kind of a big deal for you guys. I am sure some Sasquatch videos on your social media outlets would seal the deal.

Speaking of Sasquatch, if you receive call from the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes about a guy leaving a bag of dogshit by the Quakes’ season ticket holder gate to remind everyone out there just how he feels about that organization and their fans that belong in a federal penitentiary, pay them no mind. The California League contains vicious tribalistic rituals. The Quakes’ fans know what they did. So do their security guards.

I see you are selling face coverings. I am not sure if they are CDC approved, but they look very sharp, plus they can be worn as a bandanas, which are always useful when one is fighting off San Francisco Giants’ fans on the mean streets of Scottsdale during the Cactus League. However, I am more interested in the bust of the glass mannequin used in the display of the face coverings. I could use one of those for, well, things you really should not know about. What do those go for? Obviously, you will not part with your because it is a treasure, but I would be forever grateful if you pointed me in the correct direction of obtaining one. BTW, do yo know at what temperature the bust melts, say in case the headdress adorning it melted?

Since you are obviously a man of refined tastes, perhaps you can answer a question for the Down East Wood Ducks Southern California Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter (bet you did not know I was the president). What album would you say marked the beginning of the classic rock era, and which album marks the end of it? Fierce debates over issues like this happen when there is no minor league baseball.

I have yet another good way to market your brand nationwide during the pandemic: distance learning. Send teachers across the land Ems’ gear to wear during their video sessions. Teachers love free stuff. Give them a ball cap, and you pretty much own their souls, which i very helpful with plans of world domination. But I digress. The teachers wear you march, and kids across the country see your brand. Maybe you should pilot this campaign with me since I look so good in your brand.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

The last time we spoke, I offered you the idea of the “2020: The Longest Tarp Pull EVER!” t-shirt. Like most brilliant ideas I share with the Pelicans, your organizations seemed to ignore it. However, after the tarp pull debacle at the Washington Nationals’ game, I am sure you realize the opportunity missed (unless you act very quickly). There is nothing quite as savage as a tarp pull gone bad during nature’s fury, except maybe when a speed freak on a five day bender destroys the relish dispensers at the condiment stand because the green was just too much. Over the years, I have learned to just lean into my fears of trap pulls and laugh heartily when an intern gets stuck under the tarp and finally emerges like a survivor of the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Hey, did you know that Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] recently had birthday? I sent him a missive to help him celebrate his big day, and he seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, which made me feel good because I am a giver. I am pretty sure he fantasizes of me coming to work for him. Most high level minor league execs do when they look around at their staff. “If only Bads85 were here to fix things, we could make the bar before last call”, they think. Not you though, since you already have a tight front office that almost runs itself when you are not around. Almost.

I bet you do think, “If Bads85 were here, I would not have to worry about Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] running off to Dagobah to complete his training with Yoda, who is probably the worst teacher ever. Teach by failure is all he knows. Put Bads85 with Hunter, it would be like Crash and Nuke. Gandalf and Frodo. Doc and Marty. Morpheus and Neo. Turner and Hooch. He and I could be Butch and Sundance!” Speaking of Hunter, Labor Day is quickly approaching, meaning Christmas displays will be in stores soon. Have you thought of any precautions to keep him out of the deep end this year?

I was perusing the Pelicans’ Ballpark A to Z Guide, and I have a few questions:

1. Why do you have so many missing letters? I am sure your office staff could come up with creative items for letters like “q” and “z”. While it might seem like wasted manpower, getting the creative juices flowing should create dividends when brainstorming promotions. If the short season and short staffed Eugene Emeralds can pull it off, I am bet you guys can. You also have some items out of alphabetical order, which defeats the purpose of an A-Z Guide. No one looks for “Game Broadcasts” in the “P” section.
2. I see you accept fan mail. If any arrives for me, could you kindly pass it along?
3. How strictly is that alcohol policy enforced? Let’s say one were to have a flask of fine bourbon in his pocket (for medicinal purposes only). Would there be a “wink wink” attitude if this person were caught sipping from it, or would this person be turned over to the Myrtle Beach Police Department? Asking for a colleague.
4. This foul ball policy of yours where you have to get your hand stamped to get back in if you are chasing a foul ball into the parking lot. You do realize that if one takes the time to get the hand stamped, someone else is going to snag the ball? I understand you do not want patrons going to their cars to sniff glue or huff paint, but are you sure you want minor league bureaucracy to deny someone a foul ball?
5. I see that intoxicated fans are turned over to the Myrtle Beach PD. Perhaps you can save the police a bit of trouble and construct a drunk tank beyond the outfield wall. If a home run hits it, the batter gets a steak from Thoroughbreds’ Chop House, which seems to be a popular place in town. Around here, we do not use horse meat for steak, so I am a bit confused by the name, but I am sure they will be eager sponsors. Maybe appetizers and cocktails could be served in the drunk tanks, along with some vitamin water so people can rehydrate.

I was about to purchase the badass MB Pirate’s Logo hat, but then I remembered it was going to be 107 degrees out here later this week, and I need a black hat like I need a hole in my liver. Any chance you can reverse the colors of that logo? A white hat with the black pelican pirates’ logo? I would purchase one of each if you that — hey maybe, you could make a color for each season!

Gotta run. The KBO is online the line, asking about merchandise tips.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Minor League Baseball League Owners:

The reckoning I have warned you about for over two years arrived this summer with the finality of an ex-wife bringing her new fiancé to divorce court. There already is no minor league baseball season because the baseball gods are angry at how MiLB has abandoned its outlaw spirit to embrace the Family Fun model that slowly bleeds the fans’ wallets. Now MiLB as we know it could disappear because the Republic is fracturing as you bicker amongst yourselves. Fortunately, I am around to clean up you mess, but the my price will not be cheap this time. Get in the car, losers, we are going to save minor league baseball. The check better not bounce this time.

Your first step is to make a sacrifice to the baseball gods. Since you guys have crashed the ambulance so badly, a symbolic gesture just will not do. Blood is going to have to flow — human blood from one of your own. I would nominate David Heller [President; Main Street Baseball Inc.] because of the of way he shit the bed in Adelanto, California a few years ago. Let’s face it; that is where the caboose began to get loose in the mountain pass as two teams not only fled the California League, but they left the MiLB family when they were purchased by Texas Rangers and the Houston Astros.. Launch him from his ferris wheel into the Iowa night so he can see what it is like to die like an aviator. Symbolically speaking of course.

Your second step is to start paying your front office employees a respectable wage. Wage suppression is not a cool thing in this changing world. The days of pittance salaries are done. You had a serious retention problem before the baseball gods released COVID. It was easy to replace good minds who left the industry with cheap labor with sports management degrees fresh out of college who are easily brainwashed with “the love of baseball” bullshit. Parents are going to be much more hesitant to send their children off to Numb Nut State to earn a degree to work in an industry that cannot keep its doors open.

If you choose to ignore this direction, please now that Jiggs Casey is out there, looking to unionize your front office staffs. Rumor has it he is using Fast Eddie for muscle, and Fast Eddie has some scores to settle with MiLB since he was tossed from San Manuel Stadium on Faith and Family Night a few years back. Bongwater is out there lurking somewhere also. You don’t want him showing up at your granddaughter’s Sweet Sixteen party.

As for negotiating with Robert Manfred’s stormtroopers, the new strategy is simple: Tell them you do want their affiliations, and you re going it alone the independent league and college wood bat route. Tell them they have been suppressing your profits with their inefficient talent pool for decades. Tell them their product is tarnished with cheats, and their One Baseball Initiative borrows heavily from doctrines of the Falange and the monarchist liberals of the Spanish Civil War. Tell them you are walking away from their corrupt game, and they are free to runs their minor leagues from their spring training stadiums because real baseball that is a swinging metaphor for FREEDOM will be played in your ballparks.

You will be bluffing of course, but it will work because they will think you are quite mad. They might huff, puff, and threaten to blow the whole house down, but they really do not have the sense to handle a curve ball like this, especially when you inform them that you have own the intellectual property of the seven inning double header. I am sure you are thinking, “Bads85, this is insanity! We could lose everything!” However, I ask you is it any crazier than your current negotiating strategy, which was firing most of your bargaining team?

Once you make Manfred’s puppets blink, demand that MLB pay to have every soft serve ice cream machine in MiLB stadium replaced to show your are not fucking around.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Social media has informed me that you have turned another year older, so allow me to raise a toast to the brains and muscle of the Northwest League. I hope your birthday was as happy as my big day when the Eugene Emeralds’ COVID apparel arrived in the mail. Those three shirts I ordered took so long to get here I thought the Postman had died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, but finally they arrived, so I have outer wear worthy of my Captain Napalm Boxers. If your birthday contained half of the euphoria I felt when my shirts arrived, well, then it was certainly one for the ages.

Once the birthday hangover recedes, I hope you will diligently begin preparing for the new landscape that is headed MiLB’s way now that Robert Manfred’s jackals are closing in as Pat O’Connor [MiLB President] seems to determined to not only drive the bus over the cliff, but wreck the ambulance also. Firing the MiLB bargaining committee on the eve of the next round of negotiations the MLB Goons wreaks of desperate self preservation. As you well know, nobody puts David Elmore in a corner.

Hey, I was thinking of buying one of those Ems’ player game worn jerseys so I can get a free mystery bobblehead, but I have a question. Can I get one without the Cubs’ patch on the sleeve? The red and the blue on the patch really clash with the green of the jersey, and the logo is so 1908. I do root for the Cubs when Tyler Chatwood pitches because he lives three doors down from me now, and it would be really cool if the 2020 NL CY Young winner was from my hood. I fell like I took him under my wing this winter in my Saturday golf group, and I am sure he perceives me as mentor figure much like the way Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] views me. Still, I cannot be seen is something with a Cubs’ logo, so maybe Pat Zajac [Director of Partnerships and Promotions] can carefully unstitch the patch so I do not look ridiculous when I wear my Ems’ jersey to city council meetings. Make sure Pat is wearing his boxing headgear when he completes this task to avoid any serious injury.

Have you ever had days where just look at your staff, and wish you could hire me? I mean, I am sure they are all excellent employees and all (THIS AIN’T THE PELICANS FRONT OFFICE!) , but I bet there are days that you think, “Things would be so much easier if Bads85 were here. He would fix this mess, then we could head to the O Bar for a few tall ones, then head off to the Jackalope Lounge where ol’ Bads can regale the regulars with Cactus League stories of the real Jackalopes, and the women who love them.” Yeah, I do not see myself moving to Eugene anytime soon, so please do not get too excited of the idea of us working together, although I might consider taking a remote position once the hiring freeze is lifted. One never really knows what the future has in store though. 

I have a few questions about your operations, being a possible future employee.

1. How tight is the security for that elevator? Could a bunch of rowdies easily gain access to the suites. Asking for some friends.
2. Do your concessions accept Discover cards? Blockbuster Video Cards?
3. What the hell is up with your child ticket policy? You let three your olds in for free? Those little plate breakers should be working in the mines at that age.
4. I see you have a Lost and Found. Has anyone turned in a Bushnell range finder? I left it at Arizona National Golf Club in Tucson, AZ.
5. Do you have many people who try to bring xylophones into the stadium who are not performing the National Anthem? Is this something that keeps your staff awake at night? I have never really thought of this before, but now I am scared shitless of a marching band swarming the gate. The first task once I come work for you would be to install sniper towers.

Anyway, I should head to bed even though there will be no sleep tonight because of the sound of xylophones in the distance of my imagination. I hope your birthday was terrific. Maybe you can come down for mine next year. I am sure Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] has proper bedding for you.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hey Rock, how are you doing? It has been awhile as I have been out saving the world from itself in these troubled times. I hope you have not been furloughed by the Elmore Sports Mafia since the MiLB season was canceled. I did finally receive my IE Cherubs hat in the mail, so someone is still working in the 66ers front offices. I must say, I look quite dashing in the hat, although nobody just what the Cherubs represent. It is quite time consuming to explain to every inquisitive soul at the grocery store about the alternative identity based upon a rejected re-brand from years ago, but the responsibilities of the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador are not always drinking beer and heckling the opposition.

Even though there has been no minor league baseball this summer, I have still been thinking of ways to improve the atmosphere at San Manuel Stadium. I am sure you have seen the fan cutouts in Major League stadiums. I have suggested to certain organizations to open up their own sales of cutouts, but you and I both know that will not work in The Dino because poverty sucks. However, I think it would be a swell idea to print of few of me and place them strategically around the stadium, say by the bar, various beer lines, and the left field concessions. You probably should put one outside the office of Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]. You guys should probably print a few of yourselves so I do not look like a narcissist.

Another thing we can do is print cutouts of mascots from other minor league teams and put them in a holding area on the outfield berm. We can plaster this all over social media and make other teams send us tribute to get their mascot out of the pen. If the teams do not comply, we can put their mascot in compromising positions. Imagine the expressions of the faces of Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] and his sidekick Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] if their precious pecan named Splash is passed out with amongst empty bottles of Fireball while KaBoom of the Lancaster JetHawks whispers sweet, sweet nothings in his ear. We can put Tremor of the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes on the outside of the gates, forever denied entry to San Manuel Stadium. Maybe a hobo will ravage him.

I know you are thinking, “Bads85, once again you are a genius, but this idea costs money, and we are in the middle of a pandemic.” This is very true, but I have a plan to generate money. We are going to sell engraved bricks inside the stadium, far away from the hobo squatting. That second round of stimulus checks will be coming down the pipe very soon, and people are going to be loaded. Jimbo Longfellow from Grand Terrace is going to want his name on a brick down by the Hangar 24 Beer Garden. Plus, I have many friends in the printing business who are sure to give us major discounts on costs.

Hey, how do think carnies are faring during this pandemic? It has to be tough to own a ferris wheel or power slide, and just have it sitting on the street in front of their house, just laughing at them. Perhaps GM Joe might want to let some local carnies set up their craft in the outfield. Maybe the 66ers should get into the fair business. I know Dominick Guerrero [Head Groundskeeper; Inland Empire 66ers] might get upset, but you can always threaten him with parking lot landscaping projects. Those azaleas are going to plant themselves, Dominick.

Maybe you should approach GM Joe with the idea of a VIP Thirty Thursday Night i which only a select few cool people get invited to the park to drink beer on the field while we watch MLB.tv. on the scoreboardLet’s face it, in normal times much of the 66ers fan base is a disease ridden scourge, so it is best to keep the masses home. Let’s just start with my crew, and some of the front office staff I like (not that one guy). I will even be the celebrity bartender. If your organization does not have MLB.tv, we can use my login. Hopefully. somebody can make some wings. Firing up the soft serve ice cream machine could be a good idea also.

I need to run for now. Perhaps I will come down to the Top Gun showing at San Manuel Stadium tonight. I assume the event is BYOB.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85