Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
Imagine my excitement when I saw your organization’s team shop is having a 40% off sale this weekend. I thought, “Hey, I can finally get that black Pirate hat and save it until winter while I wait for my pal Ryan to order some white ones.” Now imagine my disappointment when I saw the small print that said, “… excludes Pirate Logo.” In a year of disappointments, this was not really near the top, but it still stung a bit because what is Labor Day Weekend without an MiLB sale? It is like strawberry shortcake without whipped cream. I do have strong interest in purchasing a Home White Pelicans’ jersey because that is what Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement) wears most nights.
Speaking of Hunter, I was at Sam’s Club the other day stocking my new freezer with an assortment of meats, and I noticed management already had their Christmas displays on the shelves, which certainly would send our younger friend into apoplexy. If you recall, it was Hunter’s rather unsocial reaction to early holiday displays that brought us together. He @ed me about something I wrote in a letter to you, and things sort of spiraled. Let’s review the timeline:
- Bads85 pens a motivational letter to Ryan Moore [General Manager, Myrtle Beach Pelicans] about being resilient after being shut out in the Golden Bobblehead completion in El Paso. Bads85 notes someone in the Pelicans; organization is severely lacking the holiday spirit.
- Hunter Horenstein @s Bads85. Bads85 discovers BURGANDY PANTS.
- Major League Baseball’s contraction plan of MiLB is released.
- The final installment of Star Wars sucks.
- COVID reached American shores. No one can get a decent haircut.
- MiLB season is canceled, but that sweet, sweet PPV money kept franchise afloat…for now.
- MiLB Negotiation team falls into shambles; owners are bitterly divided enter enter talks with MLB with no leverage, squandering all the political clout they accrued in the offseason.
Now I cannot say for certain that Hunter tore the space time continuum when he @ed me because I dropped out of engineering school during my junior year of college because organic chemistry was harshing my mellow. However, I would strong suggest that as Hunter’s direct supervisor, you look into this rather than incur more wrath from the baseball gods. You might be saying, “What else can the baseball gods do to us?” Plenty, Ryan, plenty.
Vicious rumors are circulating from the current negotiation between MilB an MLB. There is talk of MLB forcing High A and Low A leagues to flip levels, meaning the Pelicans would be a Low A Team while the South Bend Cubs, much closer to Chicago, would be the High franchise. There is also talk of Salem, Down East, Fayetteville, and Zebulon retaining their High A status since they are owned by Major League clubs, and joining Columbia, Kannapolis, Greensboro, and Augusta in the new fangled Carolina League. This would mean Charleston would be the Pelicans’ new rival, or worse Savanah as Myrtle Beach is delegated to a college wood bat leagues. In normal times, your team owner Check Greenberg could keep the monsters at bay. After all, the man saved hockey in Pittsburgh; he can certainly slap around Manfred’s goons. However, we no longer live in normal times because Hunter tore the fabric of the universe.
As you well know, I am a problem solver, and I think I have come up with a solution that will appease the baseball gods. I think after your big Disc Golf Extravaganza in late September, your organization should decorate TicketReturn.com Field in full winter holiday gala —lights, inflatables, ornaments, wreath, garlands, menorahs, etc. Perhaps the staff can wear Santa hats also — hey, maybe you can put the Pirate logo on a Santa hat and make some serious bank. Oh, I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your disc golf thingy because I have prior commitments because I answer the wind and leave with the tide.
Please do not be too hard on Hunter for bringing 2020 on us.
Your friend in baseball,