Dear Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
I have a neighbor down the street that has already put up and turned on his holiday lights. Can you personally do something about that? Maybe send him a cease and desist letter with a Myrtle Beach Pelicans’ letterhead to give it a fake sense of authority? I would handle the matter myself, but my professional calendar is rather full these days with all the impending affiliation shifts. I am in high demand these days because as you know, my advice is golden.
Yes, it was about this time last year that I was introduced to you, although you would not @ me for a few more weeks — December 9th, 2019. Have you ever thought how your life would have been different if you had not done that? Every day, I bet. I know I do, except on days I do not.
Has your front office come to grips with the fact that you will almost certainly no longer be a Cubs’ affiliate going forward unless the Pelicans move to Low A Ball? Whatever the outcome, this should allow you immense personal growth, and the ability to nurture your outlaw spirit. Yes, Hunter, you are an outlaw, and MiLB will need outlaws under the reign of terror Major League Baseball is about to drop on the business we love. We are kindred spirits. You touched the devil and could not let go while I wrote a book with the movie in mind.
Peter Woodfork, Bobby Manfred’s new head minor league goon, will be coming for our freedoms very soon. Word on the street is the dude hates Knocker Ball due to a humiliating experience at an umpires’ symposium in Lowell back in 2012. How evil is is man? The Astros considered hiring him was their general manager in 2020. He reports to a character named Morgan Sword. MLB is not even trying to disguise the fact they are marching from Mordor.
I have noticed your new Pelicans skull and crossbones gear. As an expert in minor league fashion, I would strongly suggest your organization make this your official brand, and drop the other family friendly stuff. Nobody wants to cuddle with a pelican. Give your mascot Splash a makeover and make him look like a Raiders’ fan, complete with chains, brass knuckles, and a large bastard sword. Don’t forget the bandana at a jaunty angle to complete that air of authenticity. You could have the baddest mascot on all the minor league circuits. More importantly, you could dress like a pirate for every game. Respectable women secretly crave pirates, Hunter, especially pirates with flowing hair.
It will be nice when MiLB finally has a a schedule, and you and get busy ordering those magnetic schedules that everyone loves. I would like to make it to Myrtle Beach this summer to throw out a first pitch. I am supposed to be heading to Hilton Head for a little golfing expedition, and I am slowly working my entourage to jaunt up to your neck of the woods for more golf and a game. It would be rather nice if your organization provided ground transportation with a fully stocked bar from the airport. The crew I am traveling with tips rather well. I cannot finalize our travel plans until the magnets schedules come out though.
Remember, it is never too early to start planning the promotional schedule. Fecal Incontinence Night just does not happen by accident, and those Freddie Freeman Bobbleheads are not going to order themselves, especially since Freddie plays for the Braves. Once upon a time though, he was a Pelican, and I am told that never really leaves you.
I need to go because my phone is being blown up by minor league staff who are wondering just who the hell they are going to be affiliated with going forward. The specter of the independent leagues looms large in Robert Manfred’s America.
Your friend in baseball,