Allan Had a Birthday

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Social media has informed me that you have turned another year older, so allow me to raise a toast to the brains and muscle of the Northwest League. I hope your birthday was as happy as my big day when the Eugene Emeralds’ COVID apparel arrived in the mail. Those three shirts I ordered took so long to get here I thought the Postman had died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, but finally they arrived, so I have outer wear worthy of my Captain Napalm Boxers. If your birthday contained half of the euphoria I felt when my shirts arrived, well, then it was certainly one for the ages.

Once the birthday hangover recedes, I hope you will diligently begin preparing for the new landscape that is headed MiLB’s way now that Robert Manfred’s jackals are closing in as Pat O’Connor [MiLB President] seems to determined to not only drive the bus over the cliff, but wreck the ambulance also. Firing the MiLB bargaining committee on the eve of the next round of negotiations the MLB Goons wreaks of desperate self preservation. As you well know, nobody puts David Elmore in a corner.

Hey, I was thinking of buying one of those Ems’ player game worn jerseys so I can get a free mystery bobblehead, but I have a question. Can I get one without the Cubs’ patch on the sleeve? The red and the blue on the patch really clash with the green of the jersey, and the logo is so 1908. I do root for the Cubs when Tyler Chatwood pitches because he lives three doors down from me now, and it would be really cool if the 2020 NL CY Young winner was from my hood. I fell like I took him under my wing this winter in my Saturday golf group, and I am sure he perceives me as mentor figure much like the way Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] views me. Still, I cannot be seen is something with a Cubs’ logo, so maybe Pat Zajac [Director of Partnerships and Promotions] can carefully unstitch the patch so I do not look ridiculous when I wear my Ems’ jersey to city council meetings. Make sure Pat is wearing his boxing headgear when he completes this task to avoid any serious injury.

Have you ever had days where just look at your staff, and wish you could hire me? I mean, I am sure they are all excellent employees and all (THIS AIN’T THE PELICANS FRONT OFFICE!) , but I bet there are days that you think, “Things would be so much easier if Bads85 were here. He would fix this mess, then we could head to the O Bar for a few tall ones, then head off to the Jackalope Lounge where ol’ Bads can regale the regulars with Cactus League stories of the real Jackalopes, and the women who love them.” Yeah, I do not see myself moving to Eugene anytime soon, so please do not get too excited of the idea of us working together, although I might consider taking a remote position once the hiring freeze is lifted. One never really knows what the future has in store though. 

I have a few questions about your operations, being a possible future employee.

  1. How tight is the security for that elevator? Could a bunch of rowdies easily gain access to the suites. Asking for some friends.
  2. Do your concessions accept Discover cards? Blockbuster Video Cards?
  3. What the hell is up with your child ticket policy? You let three your olds in for free? Those little plate breakers should be working in the mines at that age.
  4. I see you have a Lost and Found. Has anyone turned in a Bushnell range finder? I left it at Arizona National Golf Club in Tucson, AZ.
  5. Do you have many people who try to bring xylophones into the stadium who are not performing the National Anthem? Is this something that keeps your staff awake at night? I have never really thought of this before, but now I am scared shitless of a marching band swarming the gate. The first task once I come work for you would be to install sniper towers.

Anyway, I should head to bed even though there will be no sleep tonight because of the sound of xylophones in the distance of my imagination. I hope your birthday was terrific. Maybe you can come down for mine next year. I am sure Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] has proper bedding for you.

Your friend in baseball,


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