Dear John Kantz [President; Columbia Fireflies]
I initially was writing to offer my condolences for being unceremoniously dumped on Twitter by the New York Mets, but then I saw you organization will soon be hosting a Rob Schneider Comedy Night, and perhaps the Mets are correct in their assessment. I know times are tough with COVID, but Deuce Bigalow was over twenty years ago. However, since I had such a wonderful time in your ballpark in 2019, I have decided to offer my services to you so organization can land a quality affiliation.
You might be wondering who I am, but for now all you need to know at this point is that I am a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade, and perhaps the greatest Thirsty Thursday ambassador in minor league history. Over the years, I have slammed shots with many of the finest MiLB front office executives in the land (and some of the no so finest also). I believe our paths crossed in 2015 at historic William L. Grayson Stadium in Savannah, Georgia, but you did not offer me a drink, and you moved the team to Columbia shortly after that, so I did pursue any sort of communication.
Let’s face it, John, these are dark days for Hardball Capital. The Chattanooga Lookouts are probably going to lose their affiliation because there is no way to expand the clubhouses, and your organization was dropped like pregnant prom date by one of the most laughable organizations in Major League Baseball. Sure, the Fort Wayne TinCaps are still respected, but their mascot wears a tin pot on his head, and when have that ever ended well? The San Diego Padres just might want their High A team in their own time zone. Right now, you are the Matt Harvey of MiLB. I can help fix that though and ensure your organization are no longer orphans of the storm.
I realize you were instrumental with the opening in Banner Island Ballpark in Stockton, the second best stadium in the California League, but Columbia is a long way from California. It is a long way from anywhere for that matter, except Congaree National Park, which is why there probably are not many suitors knocking on your door right now. You need to get Segra Park all dolled up and strut her in front of the Washington Nationals. Unfortunately, your corporate sponsor is hardly unique as Segra Stadium in Fayetteville opened in 2019, and while your stadium is much nicer, when people think Segra, they think of the stadium of the minor league affiliate of the cheating Astros. Plus, my research indicates that there is a Segra Field in Leesburg, Virginia — a soccer facility for the USL.
While you just cannot dump your corporate sponsor, you could add a distinguishing moniker to it, say like Segra Field of the Palmetto State, or Segra Field: We Were Here Before Anyone Else. Or Segra Field, the official home of the New Thirsty Thursday. Oh, the people in Asheville will be up in arms about the last one, but we are about to reinvent the greatest tradition in minor league baseball. Plus, Asheville is probably going to get dumped by the Rockies, so they have other pressing matters to worry about.
Perhaps the best suggestion is Segra Field: An Outlaw’s Paradise. You see, John, MiLB is now under the oppressive yolk of MLB. Those fuckers are killing the Pioneer League just because they can. Bobby Manfred appointed Peter Woodfork as the new sheriff in town, and now the guy whose nickname was “Dick Dick” in Little League is going to try to mandate how you conduct your business. You can stand there and take it from Dick Dick, or you can embrace the outlaw spirit that made this country great. The choice is simple: die on your knees or live free on your feet.
You need to send a message quickly. I would suggest a Peter Woodfork Bobbleheed giveway that is paired with Fecal Incontinence Awareness Night. The first 50 fans through the gate get Dick Dick’s bobblehead, plus a clear path to the shitter. No sense ordering any more bobbleheads because who the hell wants a Peter Woodfork bobblehead? This is all about sending a message, just like Boyd Crowder used to do. Plus, being an outlaw will help turn the Fireflies into a national brand, which will increase your merchandise sales tenfold.
Yes, John I can show you how to embrace the outlaw spirit while expanding your brand. That is just what I do, which is why I am kind of a big deal on the minor league circuits. In no time we will have the Fireflies robbing Wells Fargo stagecoaches (symbolically of course because armed robbery violates the Terms of Service on most social media outlets).
We can talk about my compensation in my next missive. Do not worry as I am spiritually wealthy, so financial compensation does not really trip my trigger. Well, it does a little bit, but I am sure we can work things out.
Your friend in baseball,