I Talk To Hunter about Disc Golf and Cornhole

Dear Hunter Horenstein {Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

The word on the street is that you were in my neck of the woods very recently. Sorry the Song of Vengeance Chapter of the Southern California Carolina League Backers did not invite you to one of our meetings, but we were busy putting the final pieces of our fantasy football teams together. Plus, the rumor is that you were here to interview with local minor league clubs, maybe even lobby David Elmore [Owner; Elmore Sports Mafia] to go all in to bring a AA league to California with teams in Fresno, Bakersfield, Escondido, Monterey, Fremont, San Jose, and your hometown of Long Beach. If Ryan Moore {General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] were shrewd, he would increase your salary significantly before he loses you forever.

Hey, I havre a few questions about the upcoming disc golf event at the Pelicans’ stadium.

  1. Your website says no cleats, which is understandable since the course appears to include much concrete. However, is your staff well trained in the difference between lugs and cleats? Disc golfers can be very unpleasant when they feel THE MAN is suppressing them. And it is alright if participants go barefoot on the field to see how spongy the turf is?
  2. Your website says alcohol will be “be available”. That is rather broad, Hunter. Available for purchase? Available as a prize in a wrestling match with a filthy hobo? Available in a keg stand? And just what type of alcohol is available? Well booze or top shelf?
  3. Will the protective nets be up? Otherwise you will be looking at slow play on Holes 2 and 4, which will agitate the players. No one wants to pay twenty bucks to have to wait. I ask because the netting on Hole 4 on your website looks like it is about ready to fall down. You might want to have an engineer look at that.
  4. Will the Team Shop be open during the disc golf competition? Do you sell shot glasses in your Team shop other than those KAPAN-KENT SKYLINE things? Those look suspiciously like the cheap shot glasses found in European tourist traps that cannot hold up to a freezer.
  5. What is the Pelicans’ heckling policy during this event? Do you know what the heckling policy is at the Minor League Baseball Innovator’s Summit? I have a pretty good idea. From the rules concerning Prohibited Conduct: “Disruptive Conduct. You acknowledge and agree that Promo Corp. reserves the right to remove you from the Virtual Event if Promo Corp., in its sole discretion, determines that your participation or behavior create a disruption or hinder the Virtual Event or the enjoyment of the Virtual Event content by other Participants.” That is one crazy seminar that has an entire section of prohibited conduct.

I see you have been invited to speak there this year. Congratulations, that is well deserved feather in your cap. Feel free to name drop ol’ Bads85 as an appeal to authority.

Anyway, I doubt I will be making to your disc golf party since flights from the Inland Empire to Myrtle Beach are outrageous right now. However, I am tentatively planning on attending the Down East Wood Ducks’ Kinston Cornhole Classic presented by Poole Realty on November 7th. I was wondering if you would be interested in being my partner since my normal cornhole partners are either in prison or not allowed back into the United States because of visa issues. It is probably best as Kinston is not really ready for Bongwater or Fast Eddie. These are the type of guys who think it is funny to order the usual at restaurants they have never been to before. 

I am thinking you and I can clean up in cornhole even if you are not any good. Right now, I just need a pulse, a drinking partner, and a good companion for part of the ride because I am that good at cornhole because I have been cornholing all my life, long before it was called cornholing. I figured we can take boatloads of money from those rubes in Kinston with with a flurry of side bets, then get rip-roaring drunk with Wade Howell [General Manager] and send text messages to Mayor Don Hardy, making fun of the scoreboard at Historic Grainger Stadium. Once we are done playing with the mayor, we can get down to the serious business of saving minor league baseball from Robert Manfred.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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