I Try to Get Ryan to Take My Money

Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I tried to purchase $250.00 with of Splash Bucks on your organization’s website so I could be a Tier Three Back the Birds dude, but your site is not allowing me to do so because it appears to be connected to your game schedule. Perhaps you have discontinued this promotion because you no longer like to make money, and I will be denied my brick in Robert Grissom Plaza and my placard on the outfield wall. 

Do you still have an outfield wall after the tornado that touched down? I saw some ominous pictures on social media, and I am pretty sure that Peter Woodfork, the new Dark Sith of MiLB will not approve if your wall is not upright again soon. The Lancaster JetHawks used to light their outfield wall on fire during fireworks displays, and now they might not have an affiliation soon. 

If the Back the Birds promotion is still a thing, can Pelicans merchandise be purchased online, or must in be purchased in person in the team shop? You see, I must really have some of the Pelicans’ pirate gear. I do not want any of 2020 Unflocking-Believable stuff because that is a failed promotion from 2014 which drew enough fan complaints that Andy Milovich [former minor league executive and all around legend] had to eat thousands of calendar magnets. No wonder he had to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” during a prostate exam. I believe that was your first year with the Pelicans. How time flies. Remember, there are two type of MilB executives: lifers and quitters.

Did Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] tell you I was planning a trip to your region with an enclave of companion. All I am waiting on is the the information that goes on those calendar magnets. Well, that and the COVID body count around the time of travel. The way this group consumes alcohol, well, you might get a big chunk of lost 2020 revenues back in one night. 

So once you process my credit card, how long before my brick gets engraved? Could I get a picture of it? I mean there is no rush, but it might look good on my family Christmas card. It would be kind of cool if both you and Hunter were standing by it, all smiles. I would have to crop you guys out of the Christmas card though because that we be a bit weird. Maybe Hunter can wear his burgundy pants.

I really like the black Vansport Pro Highline Polo with the Pirate logo. I like it so much that I think my Saturday Team Play squad should use this design for our uniforms this year to strike fear into our opponents’ hearts while looking smashingly handsome. Not only our my teammates winners, but we are slaves to fashion. I bet you get this question all the time, but are group discounts available? We were thinking about making Hunter an honorary captain, but we are not sure if he is captain material, so he might have to settle for a mascot.

I see that Rochester went to the Nats. I must go offer them congratulations.

Your friend in baseball,


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