Allan And I Continue Our Correspondence

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Sorry in my delay responding to your missive. The life of a Thirsty Thursday Ambassador is always intense, even during a pandemic. As that dude on the radio says, “It’s times like these you give and give again.” Thank your diligence regarding the Emeralds’ jersey I would like to purchase. I am not sure I would receive that sort of attention from Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], but that is why I have more Ems’ gear now the Pelicans’ gear. Organization can screech about their brand on social media until MilB is played in front of fans again, but quality customer service is the cornerstone to customer loyalty. 

I was interested in the green player worn batting practice jersey, Size 50 because I have broad shoulders used to carry the weight of the world. Thank you for offering to unstitch the Cubs’ logo yourself. I really like the pirate jersey, but you have none of those in my size. It is probably for the best as my wife would just that me as a sex object if I wore that jersey around the house.

Have you sold out of all your COVID t-shirts? I can on longer find them in your team store.They are a huge hit here in Southern California. I have worn them during Zoom meetings during distance learning, and my students tell me the shirts are GAS, which is the highest praise from a seventh grader these days. I even have friend in Canada that are interested in purchasing the shirts because Canadians love Sasquatch. This one guy, Sheer Tim Foli (STF), is making noise about becoming a real live Ems’ fan, so I am pushing your brand across international borders. STF is the type of guy that would establish a Toronto Eugene Emeralds Backers Association, which would be kind of a big deal for you guys. I am sure some Sasquatch videos on your social media outlets would seal the deal.

Speaking of Sasquatch, if you receive call from the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes about a guy leaving a bag of dogshit by the Quakes’ season ticket holder gate to remind everyone out there just how he feels about that organization and their fans that belong in a federal penitentiary, pay them no mind. The California League contains vicious tribalistic rituals. The Quakes’ fans know what they did. So do their security guards.

I see you are selling face coverings. I am not sure if they are CDC approved, but they look very sharp, plus they can be worn as a bandanas, which are always useful when one is fighting off San Francisco Giants’ fans on the mean streets of Scottsdale during the Cactus League. However, I am more interested in the bust of the glass mannequin used in the display of the face coverings. I could use one of those for, well, things you really should not know about. What do those go for? Obviously, you will not part with your because it is a treasure, but I would be forever grateful if you pointed me in the correct direction of obtaining one. BTW, do yo know at what temperature the bust melts, say in case the headdress adorning it melted?

Since you are obviously a man of refined tastes, perhaps you can answer a question for the Down East Wood Ducks Southern California Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter (bet you did not know I was the president). What album would you say marked the beginning of the classic rock era, and which album marks the end of it? Fierce debates over issues like this happen when there is no minor league baseball.

I have yet another good way to market your brand nationwide during the pandemic: distance learning. Send teachers across the land Ems’ gear to wear during their video sessions. Teachers love free stuff. Give them a ball cap, and you pretty much own their souls, which i very helpful with plans of world domination. But I digress. The teachers wear you march, and kids across the country see your brand. Maybe you should pilot this campaign with me since I look so good in your brand.

Your friend in baseball,


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