Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
The last time we spoke, I offered you the idea of the “2020: The Longest Tarp Pull EVER!” t-shirt. Like most brilliant ideas I share with the Pelicans, your organizations seemed to ignore it. However, after the tarp pull debacle at the Washington Nationals’ game, I am sure you realize the opportunity missed (unless you act very quickly). There is nothing quite as savage as a tarp pull gone bad during nature’s fury, except maybe when a speed freak on a five day bender destroys the relish dispensers at the condiment stand because the green was just too much. Over the years, I have learned to just lean into my fears of trap pulls and laugh heartily when an intern gets stuck under the tarp and finally emerges like a survivor of the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
Hey, did you know that Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] recently had birthday? I sent him a missive to help him celebrate his big day, and he seemed to thoroughly enjoy it, which made me feel good because I am a giver. I am pretty sure he fantasizes of me coming to work for him. Most high level minor league execs do when they look around at their staff. “If only Bads85 were here to fix things, we could make the bar before last call”, they think. Not you though, since you already have a tight front office that almost runs itself when you are not around. Almost.
I bet you do think, “If Bads85 were here, I would not have to worry about Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] running off to Dagobah to complete his training with Yoda, who is probably the worst teacher ever. Teach by failure is all he knows. Put Bads85 with Hunter, it would be like Crash and Nuke. Gandalf and Frodo. Doc and Marty. Morpheus and Neo. Turner and Hooch. He and I could be Butch and Sundance!” Speaking of Hunter, Labor Day is quickly approaching, meaning Christmas displays will be in stores soon. Have you thought of any precautions to keep him out of the deep end this year?
I was perusing the Pelicans’ Ballpark A to Z Guide, and I have a few questions:
- Why do you have so many missing letters? I am sure your office staff could come up with creative items for letters like “q” and “z”. While it might seem like wasted manpower, getting the creative juices flowing should create dividends when brainstorming promotions. If the short season and short staffed Eugene Emeralds can pull it off, I am bet you guys can. You also have some items out of alphabetical order, which defeats the purpose of an A-Z Guide. No one looks for “Game Broadcasts” in the “P” section.
- I see you accept fan mail. If any arrives for me, could you kindly pass it along?
- How strictly is that alcohol policy enforced? Let’s say one were to have a flask of fine bourbon in his pocket (for medicinal purposes only). Would there be a “wink wink” attitude if this person were caught sipping from it, or would this person be turned over to the Myrtle Beach Police Department? Asking for a colleague.
- This foul ball policy of yours where you have to get your hand stamped to get back in if you are chasing a foul ball into the parking lot. You do realize that if one takes the time to get the hand stamped, someone else is going to snag the ball? I understand you do not want patrons going to their cars to sniff glue or huff paint, but are you sure you want minor league bureaucracy to deny someone a foul ball?
- I see that intoxicated fans are turned over to the Myrtle Beach PD. Perhaps you can save the police a bit of trouble and construct a drunk tank beyond the outfield wall. If a home run hits it, the batter gets a steak from Thoroughbreds’ Chop House, which seems to be a popular place in town. Around here, we do not use horse meat for steak, so I am a bit confused by the name, but I am sure they will be eager sponsors. Maybe appetizers and cocktails could be served in the drunk tanks, along with some vitamin water so people can rehydrate.
I was about to purchase the badass MB Pirate’s Logo hat, but then I remembered it was going to be 107 degrees out here later this week, and I need a black hat like I need a hole in my liver. Any chance you can reverse the colors of that logo? A white hat with the black pelican pirates’ logo? I would purchase one of each if you that — hey maybe, you could make a color for each season!
Gotta run. The KBO is online the line, asking about merchandise tips.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
Dead Religions 