Category Archives: Uncategorized

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

By now you should have accepted the inevitability that I am coming to town on July 6th, and this is no drill. You are probably thinking, “That damn Bads85 is coming to town at the start of a home stand and will take my staff out drinking at the Jackalope Lounge after the game, and they will be worthless all week.” Not if they properly hydrate, my good friend. Plus, it looks like I might be arriving in Eugene Monday night as there has been a slight change in plans will afford me to attend a Stockton Ports game Banner Island Ballpark, the gemstone of the Low A West. Things might get a bit crazy Monday night, bit I am sure your staff are the type of consummate professionals who can handle a late night at the start of the week.

Congratulations on finally releasing the July Promotion Schedule. I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am to be able to attend Re-Re-Opening Night. I believe this will be my third Re-Opening Night of the rapidly passing season. The only thing that would be more exciting is Touch Yourself Night. Or Tots and Pears Night. I see you will be playing Rihanna tunes all night long, which is great, but do not be surprised if you hear loud voices calling for SKYNYRD!

Even though Spring Break Night is the following night, I will might wear my signature wiener swim trunks courtesy of Baseballism. I am sure I will stand out in a sea olive drab cargo shorts, but I am a slave to fashion. Perhaps we should have an impromptu Hot Tub Night. Nothing says re-re-opening like getting in a spa with a bunch of strangers. You might be thinking, “Bads85, PK Park does not have a hot tub, therefore we cannot have a Hot Tub Night.” True, bit we live in exciting times. A little research has reveals there is a place just down the street from PK Park that rents inflatable hot tubs for just $65 a day— a place called the Universal Ruckify Store. For the bargain price of $165, you could rent the inflatable hot tub for a week. Hell, rent four. Some of your fans have skin that has not seen the sun in eighteen months. It is time to let loose.

Hey, what you do if a paying customer showed up at your gate with an inflatable hot tub? Sure, your stadium guidelines expressly forbid xylophones not being used for the National Anthem, but the guidelines contain nothing about inflatable hot tubs. I suppose you could deny the customer electricity and a hose, but that would probably turn the other fans in attendance against management, which would be a dangerous move at this point in the season. More importantly, we could create a viral video that would put the Ems on the national map. I am pretty sure we would have no problem taking it to the local watering hole of our choice after the  game for the big post game bash. The bar would probably pay the rental. I wish I would have thought of this in Myrtle Beach.

You are going to have the market this like a madman. Go old school, and send Bowers and the young lady who went to Ohio University on a flyer mission, just like the hair metal bands did in West Hollywood back in the day. Plaster every pole in the Eugene/Springfield area with a neon Ems’ Portable Hot Tub Night flyer. Then send another flyer crew out to post different flyers over your flyers to create a flyer was like Poison and GnR back when we were young. The local media will freak out, giving you the maximum free press. Remember, carpet bombing is just not an unsuccessful military strategy that helped lose the Vietnam War. It is also an effective and cheap marketing strategy, especially if you are close to a family member who owns a printing shop.

I went to the Ems’ website to look for tickets just in case you weren’t giving me complimentary seats, and I did not see anything that told the customer if they were close to a beer stand. I would suggest your get your IT guys on that immediately. And perhaps they can put an updated food menu online. Do you still sell Chicago Dogs now that you are no longer affiliated with the Cubs? Because here is a HOT TAKE: Chicago Dogs are inferior dogs compared to better offerings like a Sonoran Dog or a quality Pretzel Dog. Do you know the key elements to a quality hoy dog, Allan? Sunshine, fresh air, and cold beer, preferably cheap. Good chili helps also. Hot dog chowder should be served at every ballpark. 

Does Eugene have any good, late night hot dog stands? Because one can work up a ferocious hunger when executing PRIMAL SCREAMS.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

There are a couple of vicious rumors floating around the MiLB circuits right now about home games at PK Park. We should address these immediately before doubt sets in the minds of the fans. The first horrible bit of tittle-tattle is that there are no beer specials on Tuesday nights at PK Park. I find this very hard to believe, especially since I am arriving for a Tuesday game next week. However, it is true, we can quickly rectify this grave error by creating a beer special in my name.

Let’s go with Bads85’s Two For Tuesdays. Ems’ fans can purchase draft beers for two dollars off as long as they buy two at a time. That is right, Double Fisting gets rewarded. I am sure your elite marketing team can work magic with “double fisting”, but my primary concern is the beer prices for the hard working Emeralds fans. Since that Tuesday is the first game at 100% capacity, it is imperative that PK Park is indeed at 100% capacity. Bads85’s Two Dollar Tickets for the July 6th game I will be attending will go a long way to reaching that goal. At some point, I can wave to the cheering masses from the VIP suite your organization is providing.

I came across this rather disturbing piece of information when researching the liquor laws that shackle PK Park: “City code does not allow the consumption of alcohol on non-football game days in the Autzen parking lots.” Mother of Theotokos, this information would have been useful when I was investing my soul into Frolic Field. That code says nothing about under the parking lots —we could have built an elaborate tunnel network underneath the parking lot to get around that nonsense. Whatever the case, this is yet another reason the Emeralds need their own independent stadium. 

The other wicked gossip making its rounds in certain social circles is that the Emeralds really do not have a July Promotion schedule, and are just marching forward into the cloud of war known as the REST OF THE SEASON. Just in case this is true, I have created my own upcoming promotions:

Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash Night — pretty self explanatory, although I am not sure if rum can be served in PK Park. Everyone can still dress as privates or British sailors thou.

Bartender, What is Wrong With Me Night? — Ems’ fans having a stressful day can unload on honorary bartender Chris Bowers [Corporate America; Eugene Emeralds] at a special stand on the visitor’s side of the stadium.

Understanding the Effects of Decompaction Maintenance on the Infill State and Play Performance of Third Generation Artificial Grass Pitches Night — for when the Hillbsoro Hops are in town. You know that team that plays on Tonka Truck Field with the deteriorating turf. Nothing will really happen in regards to this promotion because who really cares about the physics of synthetic turf, but this a perfect barb to be sent to K/L Wombaucher [President & General Manger; Hillsboro Hops].

Proxima Centauri b Night — since Star Wars Nights have been deemed off limits this season, this can be the magnet to get the space nerds to the park night. Fans can wear all their cosplay costumes as the Ems honor a panel that orbits the closest star to our sun. If we are very fortunate, the Star Trek and Star Wars factions will engage in mortal combat.

Perhaps the most hurtful rumor is that Eugene Emeralds fans have not been practicing their PRIMAL SCREAMS because of the lack of instruction from the Ems’s staff. Well, that all changes on July 6th.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, Sir. Normally, I do not write Assistant General Managers of minor league teams because most of them feel threatened that I will be eventually given their position, but you are also the home voice of the Ems, so you probably feel more confident with your job status than most in your position. Lately, I have been broadcasting Ems games on my phone at San Manuel Stadium for the reprobates in Section 102 who truly miss High A baseball. Initially, they were quite disappointed that Alex Stimson [Media Relations] has not been calling the games because he is rapidly making a name for himself on the circuit, but this crew is used to quickly moving beyond heartbreaks.

As you probably know, Sec 102 at San Manuel Stadium is the greatest seating section in all of minor league baseball – well, on nights I am here at least. When I am not here, these savages turn on themselves in an embarrassing display of drunken, rudderless behavior.  When I am here though, we shine. It was not always thus, but the story of how I molded a group of characters named Bacon Hag, Shackles, Bong Water, Peacock, Sneaky Boom, Whiskey Jack, Ball Hawk, and One Hitter Harry into America’s sweethearts is a story for another time.

We have been watching your Ems’ broadcast between the parade of nightly errors in Low A Ball, and we are in rare, unanimous agreement about one thing: your organization is desperate need of a new stadium. Sure, PK Park is a fine college stadium, but the Ems are in High A now, and a better stadium is required.

The first problem with PK Park is the trick of lighting that makes your fans appear as empty seats on your broadcasts. Secondly, I do not see ample room for a full service bar and a social gathering area. Thirdly, there seems to be a lack of Ems’ gear being worn by your fans at the game, which indicates a small team store with limited merchandise. Most importantly, the place does not seem conducive to PRIMAL SCREAMS. I would suggest you mention these shortcomings on the air to begin to influence public sentiment for a new stadium – and do not forget to mention that PK Park has aluminum bleachers.

Of course, there is also the possibility that the Ems’ fan base needs a little education on how full season fans behave at the ballpark. Luckily for them, not only are the patrons of Sec 102 spiritually wealthy, we are givers. This Thirsty Thursday, we will broadcast a live PRIMAL SCREAM on social from our section for Ems’ fans to emulate. High A fans need to be willing to aggressively suck the marrow of the bones life throws their way, not sit passively in the stands as the game unfolds. Under our tutelage, your fans can become some of the greatest bone slobberers in the Pacific Northwest.

Hey, it is true that Hillsboro Hops fans actively root for the Beer Batter to get a hit so they can pay more for their beer? Word down here is they think the more they pay for a beer, the more they can talk about its body, aroma, its brewers; lineage, or anything else so they do not have to actually drink the beer. I would weep for these people if I did not have such a jovial nature. Instead, I just wave at them upon my return to the beer line. It takes all kinds to fill a village.

At some point, we will have to have a serious discussion about the Ems’ fans dance moves that are being broadcast on your streams. Rome was not built in a day though, and there are more pressing issues such as the new stadium, the progress of the reality television show, the whereabouts of my Emeralds’ jersey, and the perfect balance of beer prices on weekend games.

I must run. I still have to figure out what to wear to tonight’s game.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

I am sorry we did not get to meet face to face when I visited your fine stadium last week, but the life of a minor league road warrior is not always smooth. We made the classic mistake of renting a VRBO in a really bad neighborhood of downtown Myrtle Beach and decided to hasten our departure from TicketReturn.com Field to fly to the safety of suburban Ohio rather than risked getting mugged or worse. We did immensely enjoy our time at the stadium, which exceeded even my expectations. It is definitely near the top of my RETURN VISIT list. 

Your staff is amazing, man. Every person I met (and I met many) was fantastic — from the sweet lady who helped us with our glitchy tickets to the hilarious elderly gentleman on elevator duty to the young gentlemen working the cash register in the team store, to our suite attendant, they were all great. Even my associates commented on the friendliness and competence of your staff. I did not even have the heart to take one of your really cool golf carts for a spin through the concourse as not to disrupt the flow of your operation.

Hey, I never spent my Splash Bucks. Can you please give them to a family for me? I am not going to make it back to Myrtle Beach this summer, so give them to someone who can use them. I did get my Pelicans’ jersey, and I do look smashing in it. More importantly, I received my Pelicans’ jersey before my Eugene Emeralds’ jersey, so you have that over Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]. That is almost as good as a Golden Bobblehead.

I did see you and Hunter Horenstein walking side by side on the field concourse. looking like two minor deities. I was going to call out from the suite, but someone in my group snuck in a flask, and it was my turn to take a nip of bourbon, then someone asked me a question, and by time I answered it, you guys were gone. Had I known we were not going to meet, I would have taken a deeper pull on the flask. 

My highlights of our visit:

1. The fan engagement — Pelicans’ fans have fun. Earnest, engaging fun, not phony cruise ship, shuffleboard fun. 
2. Hunter’s Knocker Ball call. You guys should put all those on your website.
3. Your amazing team store. I spent a small fortune in there. 
4. My brick. Looks good. Sexy even.

Honestly, I cannot get over how dialed in everything was that night. Most organizations are scrambling to get back to normalcy this summer, and you guys were knocking everything out of the park. From here on out, I am using you guys as the gold standard for MiLB — every organization should aspire to be like you guys. “Toe the Pelican Line”, I will tell them.

There was one snafu that you might want to fix immediately — your link on the 50/50 raffle goes to a dead page. Imagine the disappointment of my crew trying to check our numbers over tequila sunrises in Columbus, Ohio the next morning. Someone might write you guys a letter. There are a lot of kooks on the internet these days.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I hope you slept well in Pasco, Washington last night as the Ems travel to the Tri-Cities this week to gird their loins to face the Dust Devils. As you stroll to a diner this morning for a hearty breakfast, savor the smell of herbicides and industrial fertilizer in the air as it is the smell of victory, not rural desperation. What type of lodging do MiLB players receive in the NEW WORLD of MiLB? Courtyard Marriot? Hampton Inn? Cletus’s Flea Circus?

I am sorry I was not able to attend the Emeralds’ first homestead of the season last week. I have ran some numbers because data analysis is one of my fortes, and the good news is that PK Park was at 96.7% available capacity for the homestead. The bad news is that the maximum capacity was 678 people because of Governor Brown’s COVID restrictions. The Hartford Yardgoats just announced that they get to go full capacity tomorrow, so perhaps the fine state of Oregon in not far behind.

I watched the last half of the Sunday game on MiLB.tv. I was initially a bit disappointed that the Matt Dompe [Assistant General; Manager] fellow was calling the game, but he does a good job. I did get to see some shots of the limited fans in the stands, and I must say, the transition to full season ball might be more difficult than I first imagined. I know COVID has wreaked havoc on the way society presents itself, but dress for success, people. If one is compelled to wear a tank top, armpit maintenance is essential.

I do have a serious suggestion for your most outstanding game recaps. Include pictures of the fans and promotions. Excellent sports writing only goes so far in terms of reader retention. Back in the golden age of newspapers, ads for strip clubs were always by the game recaps to keep eyes on the page. Over a 120 game season in the minors, fans eventually tire of a steady diet of player pictures. They will never tire of pictures of themselves though because narcissism is a powerful thing. Continue with the excellent photos of players, but include the fans as their experiences at the stadium drive future attendance probably more than the action on the field. If Grandma Hattie is getting funky with the Cold Medina, post it. It also does not hurt to include pictures of Allan since he is your direct supervisor.

I am still in dire need of details of the Great Inflatable Mascot War of 2018. Inflatables are kind of my thing as every Christmas season is an epic battle of good versus evil on my front lawn. Santa is the Outhouse routinely gets attacked by the AT AT while Snoopy in the Sopwith Camel tries to save the day. Last year, I added R2-D2 in a X-Wing for additional air support. NASA uses my yard as a guide marker. I have been advocating MiLB teams for years to produce Christmas inflatables of their mascots. I am sure they would be steady sellers in local markets. Do you think Allan would let me borrow that huge Sluggo inflatable over the holidays this year. It could fight my enormous Christmas dragon.

As you have probably heard because word about my visits to MiLB parks gets around fast these days, I attended a Lake Elsinore Storm game this weekend. The highlight of the game was the Baby Todd Promotion, in which somebody tosses what appears to be a swaddled baby from luxury suites to the lower bowl where the parents must catch their “baby” to win glory and awesome prizes. Of course the baby is just a doll, but since this is Lake Elsinore, the question of whether local tweakers would risk their child’s safely for a dozen stale donuts adds suspense to the promotion, and illicit PRIMAL SCREAMS from the crowd. Maybe the Ems could throw a Li’l Squatch from a suite to open arms below. To mix things up, perhaps random bundles could be water balloons t entertain the crown since Governor Brown will not let us release hungry lions into the concourse.

I will be venturing to San Manuel Stadium (home of the Inland Empire 66ers) tonight with my sidekick Whiskey Jack for Five Dollar Margaritas and Two Dollar Tacos. There is a Michelada special also, but the lady who runs that stand is mad with power so I avoid it. I will be listening to the Ems’ broadcast through headphones, so please share the drink specials in Pasco.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: At some point we must discuss our golf road trip.

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I am growing a bit anxious about the progress of the reality show that the Eugene Emeralds are supposed to be producing. I have not heard anything from your front office in over a week about the show, and have no idea if video is being complied, or if the cast has even been practicing their facial expressions. Opening Night is tomorrow, and we will never get another chance to shoot live footage from that game.

Allan Benavides [General Manager] has seemed content to hobnob with at Hillsboro mayor rather than seriously searching for some quality video equipment on eBay. Sure, it is good to have a politician on our side, but Mayor Larry is not the mayor of Eugene. Mayor Lucy Vinis is, and the capital investors are starting to pressure me about when she will be brought into the loop. Sure, Mayor Larry is a good foil and can be a recurring character on the show, but unless he is writing us checks, he can stay in Ron Tonkin Toy Truck Field until we have some incoming revenue streams.

Speaking of video, do we have any from Game Two of the 2018 playoff series with the Hillsboro Hops? Erecting a massive inflatable Sluggo behind their outfield wall was very impressive, especially since they have a see through fence because construction costs ran a bit over budget. Brave acts like validated why the pioneers kept coming in waves across the Oregon Trail, despite dysentery and other hardships.

When I first saw photos of this heroism, I thought, “Well, so much for killing Sluggo. He is a permanent icon.” However, I soon had a vision like I am known to do. What we need is a false flag operation that will not only fix the Sluggo problem, but will create the intense rivalry the High A West is sorely lacking. The old Northwest League has a reputation of being just a friendly bunch of bros in white cotton taking long walks on the beach wit ha weave pack of Dutch beer. The High A West is a full season league, and a full season league is all about the QUICK and the DEAD. When the Quakes come to town down here in the Inland Empire, security has to put live ammo in their sidearms. The last place I had a full anal cavity search is the gate at LoanMart Field in Rancho Cucamonga in 2019. I think that old woman with the metal detector wand just liked me though, and did not really think I was a threat. It is sometimes tough walking this world as a sex object.

But I digress. We need to strap some explosives underneath that inflatable Sluggo, run the cameras, and send him to the moon. When our fans are well into Stage Two of the grief process, we release evidence that K.L. Wombacher [President; General Manager; Hillsboro Hops] was behind all this. Boom! Suddenly we have the most important ingredient in a bitter rivalry: a reason to hate that will last for multiple generations. You might be thinking, “Bads85! That is extremely insane, even for you! We cannot manipulate our fan base like that!” Sure, we can, Alex. Full season ball is intense.

I suppose we could compromise a bit, and not really strap explosives on the inflatable Sluggo, but announce that we discovered a plan conceived by that K.L. Wombacher character. We can even let Chris Bowers {Director of Corporate Sales] be the guy who foiled the plot. This way Sluggo does not really get hurt, and the our fans’ innocence is not stolen from them. Maybe we can still blow some stuff up for shits and giggles for the reality show, plus it will help from office bonding. The important thing is we pin this on Wombacher through an investigative journalism piece so the rivalry intensifies. Sluggo has to go into hiding for a but for his safety, and Squatch picks up the slack, becoming the king he deserves to be.

If we cannot blame it on Wombacher, we can blame it on the Canadian team playing in Hillsboro this year. Oh, be sure Allan gets a haircut before the gates open tomorrow.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: What time is the first PRIMAL SCREAM on Opening Night?