Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager’ Eugene Emeralds]:
It has been a couple of days since we have talked. I apologize as I have been very busy on this Inland Empire 66ers’ homestand. Tonight I witnessed an honorary first pitch from a fan before the game, which sends shivers down my spine. I also witnessed the 66ers new Promotions’ Assistant, Little Bads85, lead a horde of children across the outfield in a chase of a red mascot. Little Bads was just two years old when security first chased him at San Manuel Stadium after he snuck into the bullpen to liberate a ball from a ball bag. Oh, how he has grown since then, but the outlaw spirit remains.
But I digress. I write to you to discuss the Emeralds’ next homestand which starts in five days. Do you feel the butterflies? Every wizened veteran knows they never really leave, although about four shots of Fireball makes them drowsy. I assume you have planned well.
Will Emeralds’ shot glasses be sold in the team store soon? If you look at the fine print of my contract with your organization, you note that shot glasses with the official logo are to be sold. The Tri-City Dust Devils sell better glassware than the Ems now because drinking wine straight from the box is apparently frowned upon in Pasco. Squatch shot glasses would be a huge seller — I would buy forty myself for my shot freezer — another twenty to give to friends.
Did Alex Stimson [Media Relations] tell you I am stepping up to order some stylish Ems’ golf shirts? I figure with the new stadium on the horizon, we will be invited to play in many charity golf tournaments, and we don’t want to look slovenly. I know people in that industry, so I will get your organization a splendid deal. The Ems really need to start wooing the country club crowd because the luxury boxes in the new stadium are not going to fill themselves, plus I need access to quality courses when I visit Eugene.
Hey, is the the new stadium going to have natural grass? Please say yes. I am not fully convinced that synthetic turf does not cause cancer. It certainly leads to an influx of ground rule doubles when not properly maintained. Just ask those clowns in Hillsboro who think that is good thing. Plus, groundskeeping crews usually make for good drinking buddies and have your back when irate fans from others teams want to start trouble.
I have been working on blueprints for the new stadium since stadium architecture is yet another thing in which I have expertise. While the plans are not quite ready to share, I can share some features:
- An open concourse so no one misses any action while standing in line for concessions.
- A walkway around the outfield so fans can stroll and are not shackled to their seats.
- An ample size bar/social gathering area in one of the outfield areas. This will include a stage for bands to play. I think we should book a Ronnie James Did tribute band for Opening Night.
- High speed rail that runs the entirety of the west coast so out of town fans have easy access to the game.
- A second deck chipping green for our new golfing contingent in our expanding fan base.
- A very large team store so we can move BLING.
- Natty Light on tap.
- A ferris wheel. All the trending cities have them these days.
- Hot dog and beer express lane concessions.
- Condiment stands from the gods.
Anyway, it is 50 Cent Friday at San Manuel Stadium tonight, and I do not know what to wear, so I must run.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Do you know the residency requirements to run for mayor in the city of Eugene? I am giving strong consideration to throwing my hat into the ring.