Mascot Wars and Nefarious Plots

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I am growing a bit anxious about the progress of the reality show that the Eugene Emeralds are supposed to be producing. I have not heard anything from your front office in over a week about the show, and have no idea if video is being complied, or if the cast has even been practicing their facial expressions. Opening Night is tomorrow, and we will never get another chance to shoot live footage from that game.

Allan Benavides [General Manager] has seemed content to hobnob with at Hillsboro mayor rather than seriously searching for some quality video equipment on eBay. Sure, it is good to have a politician on our side, but Mayor Larry is not the mayor of Eugene. Mayor Lucy Vinis is, and the capital investors are starting to pressure me about when she will be brought into the loop. Sure, Mayor Larry is a good foil and can be a recurring character on the show, but unless he is writing us checks, he can stay in Ron Tonkin Toy Truck Field until we have some incoming revenue streams.

Speaking of video, do we have any from Game Two of the 2018 playoff series with the Hillsboro Hops? Erecting a massive inflatable Sluggo behind their outfield wall was very impressive, especially since they have a see through fence because construction costs ran a bit over budget. Brave acts like validated why the pioneers kept coming in waves across the Oregon Trail, despite dysentery and other hardships.

When I first saw photos of this heroism, I thought, “Well, so much for killing Sluggo. He is a permanent icon.” However, I soon had a vision like I am known to do. What we need is a false flag operation that will not only fix the Sluggo problem, but will create the intense rivalry the High A West is sorely lacking. The old Northwest League has a reputation of being just a friendly bunch of bros in white cotton taking long walks on the beach wit ha weave pack of Dutch beer. The High A West is a full season league, and a full season league is all about the QUICK and the DEAD. When the Quakes come to town down here in the Inland Empire, security has to put live ammo in their sidearms. The last place I had a full anal cavity search is the gate at LoanMart Field in Rancho Cucamonga in 2019. I think that old woman with the metal detector wand just liked me though, and did not really think I was a threat. It is sometimes tough walking this world as a sex object.

But I digress. We need to strap some explosives underneath that inflatable Sluggo, run the cameras, and send him to the moon. When our fans are well into Stage Two of the grief process, we release evidence that K.L. Wombacher [President; General Manager; Hillsboro Hops] was behind all this. Boom! Suddenly we have the most important ingredient in a bitter rivalry: a reason to hate that will last for multiple generations. You might be thinking, “Bads85! That is extremely insane, even for you! We cannot manipulate our fan base like that!” Sure, we can, Alex. Full season ball is intense.

I suppose we could compromise a bit, and not really strap explosives on the inflatable Sluggo, but announce that we discovered a plan conceived by that K.L. Wombacher character. We can even let Chris Bowers {Director of Corporate Sales] be the guy who foiled the plot. This way Sluggo does not really get hurt, and the our fans’ innocence is not stolen from them. Maybe we can still blow some stuff up for shits and giggles for the reality show, plus it will help from office bonding. The important thing is we pin this on Wombacher through an investigative journalism piece so the rivalry intensifies. Sluggo has to go into hiding for a but for his safety, and Squatch picks up the slack, becoming the king he deserves to be.

If we cannot blame it on Wombacher, we can blame it on the Canadian team playing in Hillsboro this year. Oh, be sure Allan gets a haircut before the gates open tomorrow.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: What time is the first PRIMAL SCREAM on Opening Night?

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