I Give Alex Advice To Survive The Mean Streets of Pasco

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I hope you slept well in Pasco, Washington last night as the Ems travel to the Tri-Cities this week to gird their loins to face the Dust Devils. As you stroll to a diner this morning for a hearty breakfast, savor the smell of herbicides and industrial fertilizer in the air as it is the smell of victory, not rural desperation. What type of lodging do MiLB players receive in the NEW WORLD of MiLB? Courtyard Marriot? Hampton Inn? Cletus’s Flea Circus?

I am sorry I was not able to attend the Emeralds’ first homestead of the season last week. I have ran some numbers because data analysis is one of my fortes, and the good news is that PK Park was at 96.7% available capacity for the homestead. The bad news is that the maximum capacity was 678 people because of Governor Brown’s COVID restrictions. The Hartford Yardgoats just announced that they get to go full capacity tomorrow, so perhaps the fine state of Oregon in not far behind.

I watched the last half of the Sunday game on MiLB.tv. I was initially a bit disappointed that the Matt Dompe [Assistant General; Manager] fellow was calling the game, but he does a good job. I did get to see some shots of the limited fans in the stands, and I must say, the transition to full season ball might be more difficult than I first imagined. I know COVID has wreaked havoc on the way society presents itself, but dress for success, people. If one is compelled to wear a tank top, armpit maintenance is essential.

I do have a serious suggestion for your most outstanding game recaps. Include pictures of the fans and promotions. Excellent sports writing only goes so far in terms of reader retention. Back in the golden age of newspapers, ads for strip clubs were always by the game recaps to keep eyes on the page. Over a 120 game season in the minors, fans eventually tire of a steady diet of player pictures. They will never tire of pictures of themselves though because narcissism is a powerful thing. Continue with the excellent photos of players, but include the fans as their experiences at the stadium drive future attendance probably more than the action on the field. If Grandma Hattie is getting funky with the Cold Medina, post it. It also does not hurt to include pictures of Allan since he is your direct supervisor.

I am still in dire need of details of the Great Inflatable Mascot War of 2018. Inflatables are kind of my thing as every Christmas season is an epic battle of good versus evil on my front lawn. Santa is the Outhouse routinely gets attacked by the AT AT while Snoopy in the Sopwith Camel tries to save the day. Last year, I added R2-D2 in a X-Wing for additional air support. NASA uses my yard as a guide marker. I have been advocating MiLB teams for years to produce Christmas inflatables of their mascots. I am sure they would be steady sellers in local markets. Do you think Allan would let me borrow that huge Sluggo inflatable over the holidays this year. It could fight my enormous Christmas dragon.

As you have probably heard because word about my visits to MiLB parks gets around fast these days, I attended a Lake Elsinore Storm game this weekend. The highlight of the game was the Baby Todd Promotion, in which somebody tosses what appears to be a swaddled baby from luxury suites to the lower bowl where the parents must catch their “baby” to win glory and awesome prizes. Of course the baby is just a doll, but since this is Lake Elsinore, the question of whether local tweakers would risk their child’s safely for a dozen stale donuts adds suspense to the promotion, and illicit PRIMAL SCREAMS from the crowd. Maybe the Ems could throw a Li’l Squatch from a suite to open arms below. To mix things up, perhaps random bundles could be water balloons t entertain the crown since Governor Brown will not let us release hungry lions into the concourse.

I will be venturing to San Manuel Stadium (home of the Inland Empire 66ers) tonight with my sidekick Whiskey Jack for Five Dollar Margaritas and Two Dollar Tacos. There is a Michelada special also, but the lady who runs that stand is mad with power so I avoid it. I will be listening to the Ems’ broadcast through headphones, so please share the drink specials in Pasco.

Your friend in baseball,

PS: At some point we must discuss our golf road trip.

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