I Respond to Kennedy

Dear Kennedy Schull [Director of Tickets; Eugene Emeralds]:

Thank you for your quick and coherent response. I would have responded sooner, but last night was $5.00 Margaritas at San Manuel Stadium, and the caboose got a little loose. In your response, you mentioned how Person 313 on the season ticket waiting list is probably devastated, but I am willing to bet 313 is just on the list so he/she can drop that tidbit in casual conversation around town. Whatever the case, 247-313 do not really matter because they are behind me. Good luck, Losers (I am sure they are not really losers; just casualties of Governor Brown’s COVID restrictions — except that one guy. He is truly a loser).

As for your ten person luxury suite, that sounds perfect for an office for myself when I am in town. Does it have a couch? I could just sleep there so I could be at the ballpark early to work the phones to secure investment money for the reality show. Does it have cable TV? Maybe we could construct a loft, and the private server could put a mint on the pillow every night. Unfortunately, June is a very bad month for me to travel to Eugene because of prior professional commitments on the Ems’ homestands. Still, if I can make it happen, I will. Also, I am pretty sure Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] will waive the cost of the suite so I do not camp on his lawn. 

Like you, I am out of the loop with the reality show also, which makes me wonder if anyone is even working on this at all. I have been pitching reality shows to various organizations for years, and receive responses like, “Be happy we have shot glasses with [redacted] logos in the team store” to “You know, it really is not that difficult to obtain a restraining order.” The Ems are a unique situation as not only there are transitioning to full season, but they (we) are looking for a new stadium. However, certain people in upper management seem to be hesitant to create a buzz. We need a demo — a video snippet of a humorous interaction in the front office. Maybe you need to be the point person on this while I work the PR angle with Mayor Lucy Vinis to get her talking for us. Netflix contracts just do not happen; we have to RING THE BELL.

You said, “Deaths on the waiting list seem unlikely”, but suppose I am really wrong about #313, and people on your list start dying under mysterious circumstances? Suppose you have inadvertently triggered a “Murder on the Orient Express”, MiLB style? Your organization used to have two Ted Kaczynski types ”modeling” on your team store. Anybody know their whereabouts these days? I am glad I live 900 miles away and have an airtight alibi.

I will take your word on the VSCO girl origin. All this time I thought it came from my daughter’s room. Do the Ems sell hydro flasks? We are full season, High A now. A radical rehab of the merchandise is desperately needed, starting with some shot glasses that SING (not literally as that would be silly). 

As for Bernie frolicking with sea creatures, well, Bernie is a different type of mascot that represents a much different type of city than Eugene. Bernie rides a Harley, and is the opposite of the standard cuddly mascot that inspires kids want to read books for free game tickets. In fact, rumor has it that Bernie was evicted from Sesame Street for not playing nice. Bernie has the ‘tude and wisdom of the road, plus he is a cold stone killer. Back in the 90’s, he raised a rifle atop the first base dugout and shot the beloved Baseball Bug, the primary mascot of the San Bernardino team at the time. When the Baseball Bug’s funeral in centerfield was over, Bernie had ascended the roost. Bernie would not really frolic with seas creatures; he would be looking for dinner.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Hey, when are those cutouts in the stands at PK Parks being removed? They are so 2020. Hopefully, once the Ducks are done with their home schedule this weekend, those things can be hauled off to new homes.  

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