The Ports Beckon

Dear Luke Johnson {Assistant General Manager; Stockton Ports]:

Good evening Sir! Fortune has smiled upon me once again, and I will be able attend a game on July 4th at the beautiful Banner Island Ballpark. I apologize for the tardiness of this announcement, but my travel schedule was recently radically altered, so I will be passing through the fair city of the Ports earlier than expected. 

You might remember me as a very close acquaintance of your former fearless leader, Taylor McCarthy [former General Manager; Stockton Ports]. We had been working closely on making the 2020 California League All Star Game the greatest event in MiLB history, but then he left the industry, and the world stopped. It was my idea to offer Zamboni rides outside the stadium during the regatta I was organizing. He might have mentioned all this to you. He had promised me a All Star Game Commemorative polo.

Anyway, the past is the past, and wizened minor league road warriors know there is no sense looking back. I went to purchase tickets for the Ports’ game online, and imagine my disappointment when I discovered that I can only purchase seats in the Jackson Rancheria Back Porch if I am in a group. Well, Luke, my plans are not allowing me to travel in a group, plus a few of my companions from Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium are prohibited from crossing county lines because of provisions of their probation. Judging by the Ports’ recent attendance figures, I would surmise you have not been receiving many groups, so perhaps your organization should revise the seating policy for that section.

I understand that you want to keep the riff riff out of the nice seats, and the baseball gods know I do not want to get stuck sitting next to some peasants, so maybe you can just make an exception for me this time. Hey, do you guys still have that homeless encampment just beyond right field in the bushes by the riverwalk? Those guys know how to party. I hope the fireworks do not spook them.

I was perusing the list of prohibited items at Banner Island Park, and I did not see anything about portable hot tubs. What would your organization do if someone showed up to the gate with a portable hot tub? I ask this because I will be attending a Eugene Emeralds’ game later i the week, and for $65 dollars, I can rent a portable hot tub for the nightj from a place just down the street from PK Park. I want to surprise my good buddy Allan Benavides [General Manager]. If someone arrived at your ticket gate, with a portable hot tub, would you let them borrow a hose to fill it up? Electricity?

Did you guys ever get your new scoreboard? That old one was tiny, and quite frankly, and embarrassment to the old California League. Did you know the Myrtle Beach Pelicans have a mascot named Splash also? Theirs is much cooler than yours. Prove me wrong. I hung out with their mascot in June when my crew rolled into Myrtle Beach in an Lyft convoy. The love me in that town — they even placed an engraved brick with my name on it in their pavilion. Something about I possessed the hands that built America. It was Dollar Beer Night — things are a bit hazy.

The last time I tried to see a Ports’ game, the weekend was washed out. We might have met in the parking lot; you coming to work with a bag of McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches. You did not share, but that is okay. If you start giving breakfast sandwiches to every stranger in the parking lot, the hobos grow more bold.

Anyway, I have to pack for my big trip. If you want to upgrade my seats or buy me a shot while I am at the game, just shoot me an email.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: I have a simple request. Could you ensure your PA Dude plays The Hold Steady’s “Killer Parties” as I leave the stadium? This has become a tradition throughout MiLB.

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