Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] and Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:
By now you have surely seen how the Myrtle Beach caught lightning in a bottle this past weekend and essentially won the minor leagues with their Beer Bat promotion which just happened to fall on Dollar Beer Day. As the man on the radio says, “They are the new John Waynes of the Old Frontier.” We can only tip our hat to Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] and his merry gang of pirates. Every MiLB organization is going to scrambling to have their own Beer Bats now, and the Pelicans are going to ride high even though it was the Hartford Yard Goats who came up with this idea in 2018.
Not the Eugene Emeralds though because the Ems follow no one, plus I have a much better idea (not really a surprise since I am all about custom solutions). Instead of replicating Beer Bats like the lemmings, The Ems can sell Squatch Sticks. Any damn fool can drink out of a plastic flute, but true Ems fans and adventure seeking out of towners will want to drink the nectar of the gods from a Squatch Stick. I am a Beer Bat veteran from Fresno in 2019, and they just do not compare to the Squatch Stick your graphic design department will design.
Yes, the Squatch Stick will be a similar concept as the Beer Bat, but it will look bad ass — like a berserk marauder’s club, plus it will be versatile. It can hold three $1.00 Natty Lights, or a king’s ransom for for whatever upscale beer is trending in Eugene this summer. Charge $15.00 for the initial purchase, and whatever your financial advisor decrees for refills on select beers. The Ems need to launch the Squatch Stick with a cheap beer night designed to fill the seats. We will not catch the Pelicans in terms of impact with Squatch Sticks, but we can surpass them in profit, especially if we sell Lewis and Clark miniature powder horns with Fireball. “Grip a Squatch Stick!” will be a great slogan.
Careful scrutiny of Pelicans’ successful promotion reveals that this went viral because people mistakenly thought the beer in the bat was only a dollar because some kid from Ohio University tweeted a half truth. The real lesson to be learned here is people love the idea of cheap beer even if they are willing to vastly overpay for some local brewery’s Hazy IPA so they do not get laughed at in their social circles. Dollar Beer Nights are appearing on promotional schedules across the land (I am sure the Ems; promotion schedule will be out any day now) because fans are not just going to start walking through the turnstiles because other entertainment options that have been COVID curtailed are now coming back.
They will come back for a Squatch Stick and really cheap beer nights though. And PRIMAL SCREAMS — they always come back for those. The best thing is that a Squatch Stick sale almost guarantees a ticket purchased in the future, except for convicts who violate their parole, and college kids who flunk out of the University of Oregon and have to return in shame to Hillsboro or Livermore, CA. Quick, unrelated question: do Oregon liquor laws allow for keg stands at PK Park? Frolic Field?
The Squatch Stick will be good entertainment for the reality show also. People from all over North America will want one. It will be like Duck Dynasty, except for soothing cool instead of duck whistles. People in dive bars Missouri will walk up to stagers and say, “Is that a Squatch Stick in your hands, or are you just happy to see me?” Yo have not mentioned much about the reality show lately, which is making the Palm Springs’ money bit antsy. You should drop the premise of the reality show in casual conversation with your political buddies, and the local scribes. Alex should mention it on the air during the games. “I don’t know if you heard, Pasco, but there is big interest in an Emeralds’ reality show in Hollywood. I hear the Farm Network wants to do an expose of the manure spreading violations in the Tri-City area.”
Gotta run. Big day tomorrow. I finally made the Ems’ season ticket waiting list!
Your friend in baseball,