Allan and I Begin Finalizing My Travel Plans

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

By now you should have accepted the inevitability that I am coming to town on July 6th, and this is no drill. You are probably thinking, “That damn Bads85 is coming to town at the start of a home stand and will take my staff out drinking at the Jackalope Lounge after the game, and they will be worthless all week.” Not if they properly hydrate, my good friend. Plus, it looks like I might be arriving in Eugene Monday night as there has been a slight change in plans will afford me to attend a Stockton Ports game Banner Island Ballpark, the gemstone of the Low A West. Things might get a bit crazy Monday night, bit I am sure your staff are the type of consummate professionals who can handle a late night at the start of the week.

Congratulations on finally releasing the July Promotion Schedule. I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am to be able to attend Re-Re-Opening Night. I believe this will be my third Re-Opening Night of the rapidly passing season. The only thing that would be more exciting is Touch Yourself Night. Or Tots and Pears Night. I see you will be playing Rihanna tunes all night long, which is great, but do not be surprised if you hear loud voices calling for SKYNYRD!

Even though Spring Break Night is the following night, I will might wear my signature wiener swim trunks courtesy of Baseballism. I am sure I will stand out in a sea olive drab cargo shorts, but I am a slave to fashion. Perhaps we should have an impromptu Hot Tub Night. Nothing says re-re-opening like getting in a spa with a bunch of strangers. You might be thinking, “Bads85, PK Park does not have a hot tub, therefore we cannot have a Hot Tub Night.” True, bit we live in exciting times. A little research has reveals there is a place just down the street from PK Park that rents inflatable hot tubs for just $65 a day— a place called the Universal Ruckify Store. For the bargain price of $165, you could rent the inflatable hot tub for a week. Hell, rent four. Some of your fans have skin that has not seen the sun in eighteen months. It is time to let loose.

Hey, what you do if a paying customer showed up at your gate with an inflatable hot tub? Sure, your stadium guidelines expressly forbid xylophones not being used for the National Anthem, but the guidelines contain nothing about inflatable hot tubs. I suppose you could deny the customer electricity and a hose, but that would probably turn the other fans in attendance against management, which would be a dangerous move at this point in the season. More importantly, we could create a viral video that would put the Ems on the national map. I am pretty sure we would have no problem taking it to the local watering hole of our choice after the  game for the big post game bash. The bar would probably pay the rental. I wish I would have thought of this in Myrtle Beach.

You are going to have the market this like a madman. Go old school, and send Bowers and the young lady who went to Ohio University on a flyer mission, just like the hair metal bands did in West Hollywood back in the day. Plaster every pole in the Eugene/Springfield area with a neon Ems’ Portable Hot Tub Night flyer. Then send another flyer crew out to post different flyers over your flyers to create a flyer was like Poison and GnR back when we were young. The local media will freak out, giving you the maximum free press. Remember, carpet bombing is just not an unsuccessful military strategy that helped lose the Vietnam War. It is also an effective and cheap marketing strategy, especially if you are close to a family member who owns a printing shop.

I went to the Ems’ website to look for tickets just in case you weren’t giving me complimentary seats, and I did not see anything that told the customer if they were close to a beer stand. I would suggest your get your IT guys on that immediately. And perhaps they can put an updated food menu online. Do you still sell Chicago Dogs now that you are no longer affiliated with the Cubs? Because here is a HOT TAKE: Chicago Dogs are inferior dogs compared to better offerings like a Sonoran Dog or a quality Pretzel Dog. Do you know the key elements to a quality hoy dog, Allan? Sunshine, fresh air, and cold beer, preferably cheap. Good chili helps also. Hot dog chowder should be served at every ballpark. 

Does Eugene have any good, late night hot dog stands? Because one can work up a ferocious hunger when executing PRIMAL SCREAMS.

Your friend in baseball,


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