Dear Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Good day, Sir. Normally, I do not write Assistant General Managers of minor league teams because most of them feel threatened that I will be eventually given their position, but you are also the home voice of the Ems, so you probably feel more confident with your job status than most in your position. Lately, I have been broadcasting Ems games on my phone at San Manuel Stadium for the reprobates in Section 102 who truly miss High A baseball. Initially, they were quite disappointed that Alex Stimson [Media Relations] has not been calling the games because he is rapidly making a name for himself on the circuit, but this crew is used to quickly moving beyond heartbreaks.
As you probably know, Sec 102 at San Manuel Stadium is the greatest seating section in all of minor league baseball – well, on nights I am here at least. When I am not here, these savages turn on themselves in an embarrassing display of drunken, rudderless behavior. When I am here though, we shine. It was not always thus, but the story of how I molded a group of characters named Bacon Hag, Shackles, Bong Water, Peacock, Sneaky Boom, Whiskey Jack, Ball Hawk, and One Hitter Harry into America’s sweethearts is a story for another time.
We have been watching your Ems’ broadcast between the parade of nightly errors in Low A Ball, and we are in rare, unanimous agreement about one thing: your organization is desperate need of a new stadium. Sure, PK Park is a fine college stadium, but the Ems are in High A now, and a better stadium is required.
The first problem with PK Park is the trick of lighting that makes your fans appear as empty seats on your broadcasts. Secondly, I do not see ample room for a full service bar and a social gathering area. Thirdly, there seems to be a lack of Ems’ gear being worn by your fans at the game, which indicates a small team store with limited merchandise. Most importantly, the place does not seem conducive to PRIMAL SCREAMS. I would suggest you mention these shortcomings on the air to begin to influence public sentiment for a new stadium – and do not forget to mention that PK Park has aluminum bleachers.
Of course, there is also the possibility that the Ems’ fan base needs a little education on how full season fans behave at the ballpark. Luckily for them, not only are the patrons of Sec 102 spiritually wealthy, we are givers. This Thirsty Thursday, we will broadcast a live PRIMAL SCREAM on social from our section for Ems’ fans to emulate. High A fans need to be willing to aggressively suck the marrow of the bones life throws their way, not sit passively in the stands as the game unfolds. Under our tutelage, your fans can become some of the greatest bone slobberers in the Pacific Northwest.
Hey, it is true that Hillsboro Hops fans actively root for the Beer Batter to get a hit so they can pay more for their beer? Word down here is they think the more they pay for a beer, the more they can talk about its body, aroma, its brewers; lineage, or anything else so they do not have to actually drink the beer. I would weep for these people if I did not have such a jovial nature. Instead, I just wave at them upon my return to the beer line. It takes all kinds to fill a village.
At some point, we will have to have a serious discussion about the Ems’ fans dance moves that are being broadcast on your streams. Rome was not built in a day though, and there are more pressing issues such as the new stadium, the progress of the reality television show, the whereabouts of my Emeralds’ jersey, and the perfect balance of beer prices on weekend games.
I must run. I still have to figure out what to wear to tonight’s game.
Your friend in baseball,