Dead Religions

The World Series is done, meaning I can end my post season blogging hiatus. Too much retardation gets spouted during small sample, exhibition series, so I duck and cover during that time. Powell is out for the weekend, meaning I might pass my liver today. He is still in bed, even though the morning game have started. The Browns have the late game, so I will let the old man rest — for now.

Percy Harvin with a rushing TD. Fantasy geeks go wild!

Kevin Kolb is going to have a long day — if he doesn’t get killed before halftime.

Could Reggie Bush be resurgent? Updates to follow. Dolphins take the lead. Do heads roll in New York if the Giants lose to the Dolphins?

Ray Lewis appears hurt. Hopefully, there is a great deal of internal bleeding involved.

Giants are emulating the Raiders in terms of dumb penalties. These morning games blow.

Joe Flacco isn’t looking to be an offensive savior. In fact, he looks very Colt Mccoyish.

Slight interruption as family returns home from camping in the mountains. The boy didn’t kill any bears, so the park rangers won’t be calling me this week. The gits has some suspicious spent shell casings though.

I feel for the Northeast’s pain with the weather. It might not break 80 out here today, and there is not a cloud in the sky, nor a breeze. How is man supposed to live like this? The sky, it is too blue! My retinas hurt.

10-0 Rams. Who knew? 17-0 now.

The poor, poor Indianpolis Colts. Manning should retroactively be given the MVP for every year he played. Andrew Luck is no Manning either, so the Curtis Painter loss parade won’t save the Colts’ future.

Cam Newton is no Tim Couch; Newton is good.

Joe Flacco is suddenly alive.

It is damn hot here, but not an Indian Summer because there has been no frost yet.

Matt Schaub needs to pull his head out of his ass to save my fantasy week.

The Browns fans are the only fans in the Bud Light Love commericial who don’t smile, showing only pain. Bud Light got that one right.

24-0 Rams. Final score will be 28-24 Saints.

Adrian Peterson awesome TD run. Joe Thomas will break his femur later today.

Here come the Ravens. The Cardinals’ hearts will be shattered. Flacco has already thrown 40 passes as the 3rd quarter ends. Ravens now lead.

That Dolphin lead is gone. Surprise, surprise.

Getting pumped for the Browns — when will I ever learn?

Marv Albert sounds drunk. Calling the Jags/Texans will cause a man to drink. At leas he won’t be calling the Browns game.

So much for the Saints comeback. Poor, poor Drew Brees.

Almost Browns’ time. New post for that.

Cleveland Indians’ first round draft picks Lonnie Chisnehall and Trevor Crowe have accrued 1.0 and 0.5 Wins Above Replacement (WAR). They are the only Indians’ first round position players that have positive WAR since Manny Ramirez, who was drafted in 1991. Second Round pick Jason Kipnis has 1.0 WAR, the only Indians’ second round position player to have positive WAR since Sean Casey (1995), and Casey accrued his WAR with another team so the legend of David Burba could be told.

Third round draft pick Ryan Garko (2003) put up 1.5 WAR. The last Indians’ third round pick that had positive WAR was the immortal Joe Nunnally (1993), who the Indians lost in the 1994 Rule 5 draft. Before that, we have to go back to 1969 (Alan Ashby) to find a third round position player who produced positive WAR. The Indians have never had a fourth round position player to produce positive WAR.

Ben Francisco (2002) is the only Indians’ position player drafted in the fifth round to have put up positive WAR, while Kevin Kouzmanoff (2003)is the only position player drafted in the six round by the Tribe to have put up positive WAR. The last seventh round position player of the Tribe to put up positive WAR was Russell Branyan (1994). Joe Inglett (2000) was the last 8th round position player to have put up positive WAR.

Luke Scott (2001) was the last ninth round position player taken by the Tribe to put up positive WAR. He never played in the majors for the Indians as he was traded in 2004 for Jeriome Robertson.

Last night, I spent precious time now forever lost watching the last four minutes of regulation in the 1987 Browns/Jets playoff game on You Tube. Twice. The second time I drowned out Bob Trumpy with the sound of the bastard child of Bruce Springsteen and the Replacements. I am truly incurable and still searching for stitches on the radio as I wait for the beating to end.

There is some disturbing talk coming from the Cleveland Indians’ front office these days, talk about how the Indians were competitive this past season. That type of mythology needs to stop immediately. The Indians finished fifteen games out of first place in their division; that isn’t competing, no matter what place a team is in during August. The team finished two games under .500, which isn’t competitive, and had an Expected Record of 75-87 based on run differential. While the difference in Expected Record and Actual Record falls under statistical noise, it clearly indicates that the Indians weren’t a contending team.

Chris Antonetti thought he was a phoenix with his Ubalbo Jimenez trade, but it turns out he had to settle for Icarus. He might as well have traded his soul to try to revive rock ‘n roll. Remember that defunct religion? Once upon a time, it threatened The Establishment, but then those fat cats grew wise and realized that rock would just grow old and unsightly if they just let it be since the next generation of rock had no staying power. After all, what type of a threat was Rob Thomas? Meanwhile, the 2011 Indians’ season ended up resembling Jacob Dylan’s career.

Browns’ late game means morning chores for me. The dust bunnies under my computer work space were as large as wildebeests, but as meek as the St. Louis Rams.

Marv Albert again? Man, he pissed someone off to get stuck calling the Browns consistently.

Mark Adams thought about being stupid on the opening kickoff, but gets a 30 yard return. The Browns wasted no time executing what should be their biggest gain of the day.

Browns’ opening drive results in double digits negative yards. Maybe I should acid wash the tiles in my pool this afternoon.

Raiders timeout, probably because their weren’t prepared for how quickly they are moving through the Browns’ defense. The Southwest change fees commercials are about as annoying as the McDonalds’ commercials. The Commish should implement strict guidelines on commercials so every break isn’t like chewing tin foil. I am glad that J-Lo drives a toy car through the ghetto to stay sharp though. Her real car would be stripped at a stop light.

TD McFadden — at least I have him on my fantasy team.

McCoy ends the second offensive drive by throwing into a gaggle of players’ backs. I bet they practiced that over the bye week.

Fight in the Lions/49ers after the game. Bad weekend for Detroit. Take your loss like men, Lions. Wow — the Lions coach started the fight. Somewhere, the NFL charities are smiling.

TD Browns — acid washing the pool just was put on hold.

Raiders run back the kickoff the TD, which means we get to see the McCoy gunslinging show just that much quicker.

Browns’ illegal shift penalty puts some water on McCoy’s salt peter. Massaquoi trips over the Raiders’ emblem, which now seems to have inspired the Raiders’ pass rush.

Campbell breaks most of the bones in his chest. The Browns’ old friend Kyle Boller is in.

Hardesty drops another pass. McCoy tries to punish him by throwing the next pass at two Raiders’ defenders. Hard discipline like that is what once made this country great. Where is Hillis?

Shots! Just because it is too sunny and mild in Southern California this afternoon. This gentle breeze is cloying.

Christ, more Al Davis on TV tributes at halftime. He’s dead, people. This is time we could be using to watch the Indy Car crash again.

Harbaugh getting crucified at halftime. Fuck you, Old Boy Network. Harbaugh won. Don’t like getting your ass slapped? Win then.

Stil no Hillis. That must be one hell of a sore throat. Nice personal foul by the Browns after getting a first down so McCoy can pad his stats. Hardesty drops another pass. Bobby just reminded me that Hardesty has William Green’s number. No wonder.

Raiders FG. Time to end the Hardesty experiment and let Hillis play.

The Geico Caveman commericials have jumped the shark with this cheerleader outfit ad.

Hardesty fumble. Bench his ass.

The Browns have the fewest +20 yard plays this season. Bobby says remember to adjust for the bye week. Moneyball has influenced Bobby.

Fake FG results in Raiders TD. I should have acid washed the pool. Did the Browns not watch the Raiders’ game films from last week?

This just in: Colt McCoy is not an NFL QB. Free Seneca Wallace and sign Garrard.

Hillis comes in at the 12:40 mark as a decoy. It doesn’t work.

Dawson nails a 47 yd FG. Euclid and Parma go wild.

Report on the screen that Hillis had hamstring problems. I call bullshit. He is banging Shurmur’s wife.

I am not feeling any late 4th quarter heroics today. The good news is the game will be over soon, so we can watch real football.

The Browns have no ability to throw the ball down the field. None. Powell was right. To accent that, McCoy throws an INT. Play under review though — more false hope.

No sense of urgency with the clock ticking. Doesn’t McCoy realize that hopes and dreams are on the line?

TB Browns. More false hope. Onside kick recovered. Still more false hope. Failure to convert on fourth down ends that.

Poor poor Cowboys. Shots to the fallen!

The Brian Wilson backlash seems to be in full swing across the interwebs and tweet alleys. Perhaps the Black Ops Taco Bell ad was the tipping point, but I really am amused with the level of vitriol that gets tossed his way by the internet hipsters. Even social cornerstone and Astro’s pitcher Bud Norris chimed in, although someone should tell Bud that Madison Avenue is not in Hollywood. The main complaint about Wilson seems to be that he is not authentic, as if there should be a natural bearded eccentric running out of the bullpen to close games. Would it be better if Wilson were a true sociopath?

It looks like Theo Eptstein is about to take the Cubs’ job, which means I fully expect him to call me to offer me a job in the next week or two. Even if I were interested, I’d have to decline due to the upcoming reality tv show, which should be a done deal any day now.

Moneyball is being released in Mexico with the title El Juego de la Fortuna. That sounds much sexier.

Tim Tebow has been slated as the Bronco’s starting quarterback, meaning that the Brady Quinn comeback could be one crushing hit away.

Alas, Ducksnorts is no more. This was one of my favorite baseball blogs — I have absolutely no interest in the Padres, but Geoff Young’s writing kept me coming back. All blogs go dormant at some point; hopefully Geoff will strike up the band again one day.

Jhonny Peralta and Victor Martinez have gone yard in Game Three of the ALCS, two more black eyes for Cleveland.

Brian Stow was released from the hospital today. He won’t be going to Taco Bell anytime soon as he is headed for rehab, but this is great news.

Browns Bye week means I shouldn’t have to watch a shitty morning game. However, Raul is here, so we have to watch the Chiefs/Colts game. It should be a real barn burner.

Week Five of the season — I set a record for earliest admonishment from the wife for drinking too much while watching football. She will be disappointed; however, as I am in the grips of a wicked three day bender.

Bud Light’s new packaging of their 18 packs sucks. I don’t need my beer childproofed. When is Al Davis going to be buried so he can start spinning in his grave?

Jimmy Graham is bad ass.

Garcon with his second TD against the Chiefs. Glad I dropped him in Fantasy. It is going to be a long day for Raul’s Chiefs.

Flies are bad at the bar today — I wonder if someone put Al Davis’s corpse somewhere in my backyard last night.

Chiefs are coming back. Raul is showing no emotion — he is a beaten man because Bowe is going against him in Fantasy.

The Bengals’ Dalton an McCoy looks better than Colt McCoy. Of course, Al Davis looks better than McCoy these days.

The Curtis Painter era has begun in Indy. Peyton who?

I am tired of those BW3 commericials. Who wants to stay at that place? Go home, Losers, or go to a better bar.

The Raiders don’t have a first down yet. Insert obligatory Al Davis joke.

Raul already has switched the Chiefs game. So much for the comeback.

Big Ben with the Big Mistake just before halftime. How did that Neanderthal ever fet accepted to Miami (OH)?

Chiefs TD. Shit — Raul will change the game back now.

Strange clock management by the Panthers — very Browns like. They called a timeout with two seconds to allow the Saints set up their FG unit.

Halftime shots!

My Russian senior citizen neighbor is walking around his front yard almost naked. No wonder the Soviets lost the Cold War.

Hines Ward keeps catching TD passes, but he is still just as ugly.

Buffalo is hurting Philadelphia. Fire Andy Reed! Fire Charlie Manuel! Loot Freedom Hall! Sell the Liberty Bell for scrap! Annex New Jersey!

The NFL Red Zone is out of synch today. Where is the Quality Control? This wouldn’t be happening if Al Davis were still alive.

Amazing TD catch by Bowe. The Colts are going all Ohio State and blowing that lead.

Saftey on a running play from the five in the Giants game.

Raul is refusing to watch the Chiefs, thinking he will jinx his team. Raul has more than a bit of Browns’ fan in him.

Houston seems content to sit on their lead over the Raiders. Suddenly they no longer have the lead. Funny how that happens.

Raiders waste a time out. Bet Al Davis wishes he would have held onto a few of those. Big TD for the Raiders after the timeout. Better wake up, Houston.

Bills are blowing a huge lead, just like last week. Winter is coming quick to that town.

Bengals convert a gutsy fourth down. Colt Mccoy would have taken a sack.

Chiefs storm back and take the lead. Raul is still subdued because he knows the Chiefs scored too quickly.

Crazy fake punt by Oakland for huge yards. Anoouncer says Al Davis, wherever he is, must be loving it. No, he isn’t. He’s dead — off the grid.

Absoulutely moronic early snap by Jacksonville that will cost them the game. Idiocy in the NFL apparantly isn’t limited to the Browns.

This Drew Brees guy is pretty good. There are three starting QBs from Purdue in the NFL this week. Looks like Painter is going to lose though because the Chiefs are back.

Eagles just blew their comeback. Eat snot, Philly.

Wow, the Giants defense just quit on a play, and it cost them a TD. That play was a bad as the Browns’ defense still being in their huddle against the Bengals. That type of incompetence calls for… Shots!

Eli Manning follows up with a Pick 6 in the Red Zone. That is a wrap for the morning games.

Second rain delay in Texas causes Bobby and I to breakout the laptop. Ohio State just gave up a big lead. John Cooper is alive and well, and the collpase appears to be complete. Did Nebraska score too quickly? Upon further review: nope.

UCLA vs Washington State on the other TV. This might be the worst game of the day. Aren’t paintball championships still televised? WSU QB delay of game. The Browns should draft that kid — he’d fit right in the Browns’ system.

I just heard that the IRS is the largest and most powerful collection agency in the world. I had no idea.

I wonder what the appropriate waiting time should be before society should start making Al Davis jokes. I have no iintention of wating for that time to pass. The NlFL should contract the Raiders tonight — pull the plug on the franchise tonight, just like someone finally did with Al.

One on One with Robbie Benson is on. Those socks! Those Shorts! Those teeth!

Long UCLA touchdown. The Apocalypse is upon us. Wait, we are saved by instant replay. Shots! To staving off the Apocalypse!

Eric Karros should be exiled someplace far, far away, preferrably along with Ray Romano. Stand up for Al, Ray! Then drive an Audi to a far, far away place with Eric — preferably the Yukon.

Brian Wilson just scared the fuck out of me in a Black Ops Taco Bell commercial. I will not be able to sleep tonite, which means a lot more drinking.

Bobby just went down for the count. It isn’t even nine o’ clock. That is a new record.

Career WAR — Jhonny Peralta — 21.7. Brandon Phillips — 9.5.

I hope Terry Francons becomes the Wally Pipp of broadcasting. I hope Joe Buck takes a ride with Eric and Ray.

Legends aren’t born in October, but the seeds of Ed Sprague type contracts are sown. That Brian Wilson Taco Bell commercial is on again. I might let that guy do shots with me. Or I might just beat his ass.

I have a Droid phone, and it doesn’t do any of these things in these weird commericals, which is a good thing. I am not up for that Terminator shit. I just want to call, text, and check scores. I use my grenade launcher to fight bad guys.

Shots! Just in time for a boner pill commercial.

Rangers win. Bed time.

Bobby and I are watching the Phils/Cards. Bobby is carbo loading for his triatholon tomorrow. That is right — Bobby the triathlete. This isn’t your normal triatholon though– it is 18 holes of golf at the local cow pasture, horshoes at the local park, then bowling at the local bowling alley with twenty-seven guys he went to high school with. These guys start pounding beers on the first tee at seven in the morning. I respect that type of dedication to participation sports.

A whole lot of puckering going in Philly, which breaks my heart because those fans are so warm and personable. They boo with such love.

Why can’t the terrorists shoot down Conan’s Blimp. Or why can’t the military do it and blame the terrorists?

Fresno State should petition for Division Two status at half time. 37-0 at half.

Phillies fuck up fielding a bunt. Bobby is hot that no one ran for Carpenter, saying Carpenter will be fatigued. He might have a point. After all, Bobby is a triathlete who knows a thing or two about stamina.

LaRussa just took the bat out of Pujols’ hands by bunting. Doofus. Brad Pitt should kick his ass. Meanwhile Uncle Jesse is sticking with Halladay. Halladay responds by pitching out of the jam. Uncle Jesse is a genius; LaRussa not so much.

Huge play by Furcal — didn’t see any of that in the five years he was with the Dodgers. Ruiz answers with a gem in the top of the ninth. I kind of like this sport called baseball.

Bobby is searching the guide for high school football. He scares me.

Desperation Time in Philly. Where is the spirit of Valley Forge? Fact — the winter of Valley Forge was one of the warmest on record. Most of the Americans that perished that winter did so because they slept too close to their feces.

Cards win; Howard hurts himself on the last play. Guess he won’t be playing golf tomorrow. Suddenly LaRussa doesn’t look so dumb. What an upset. I guess the best rotation in history just wasn’t good enough. Don’t celebrate too much, St. Louis; the Brewers are going to sweep your ass. I am buying my son a squirrel gun tomorrow.

But let’s return to the Philly suffering. Big money goes down. Chew on that, you Johnny Come Latelys. Uncle Jesse is on the screen now — bet you wish you didn’t beat the Braves now, do you?

Nick Punto’s fetish for ripping off his teammates’ jerseys is disturbing.

Fresno State is coming back — only down 50-7.

Nyger Morgan is one crazy nut. I can’t help but be fascinated by him because he is out there. The sane part of me knows he is an ass. I don’t follow the sane part of me too often.

Bobby and I are arguing about the AL team that will advance to the World Series. He says the Tigers; I say the Rangers. After a 30 minute blow by blow; my final argument is “Fucking Peralta will never play in a World Series.” Bobby concedes the argument. Shots!

Hey Philly Fan; do you know why your team lost? Because you painted your face like a baseball.

The AL East is dead for 2011. Let the gnashing of the teeth begin in New York. Occupy Wall Street will be drowned out by the screeching of irate Yankees fans who feel they have been denied their natural entitlement. Taxi cab drivers will ride armed with shotguns, hoping for a chance to take a pot shot at Alex Rodriguez or the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, whomever they see first.

Joe Girardi demonstrated that when the chips are down, he is fully capable of reaching for the inane. Making a guy remove a bandage covering a festering sore on his face defines chicken shit. The baseball gods certainly didn’t approve. Fat Hank is going to fire his ass, perhaps Cashman’s also — a purge not seen since David Lee Roth was kicked out of Van Halen is looming.

The stat geeks scored when Brad Pitt was cast to play Billy Beane in Moneyball, and now the scouts are going to get Dirty Harry to portray one of them. Clint Eastwood is set to star in Trouble With the Curve, a story about an old scout on his last legs. At first, I thought this was some sort of joke — “Get your spreadsheets off my infield and put them back in your mother’s basement whee they belong!” There is a strong likelihood that this could be an excellent movie, but the comic possibilities of a Dirty Harry type playing a scout wanting to seek vengeance on the stat heads are almost limitless.

Scout: “Here is your five tool suppository, nerd.” (drops scouting report on desk)
Stat Geek: “What?”
Scout: “I said stick in your ass. This kid can hit, throw, run, field, and has pop in his in bat. I don’t care what your W/K totals say.”

In other news, the White Sox named Robin Ventura as their manager. I guess Vanilla Ice wasn’t available. “How To Get Your Ass Beat When You Charge The Mound” will be one of the first lessons Ventura teaches his team in Spring Training. “Nolan Ryan” chants will haunt the White Sox on all road trips this season.