Dead Religions

Dear Alexa Kay [Director of Marketing, Down East Wood Ducks]:

I recently went to your online team store to purchase a Wood Ducks’ polo shirt so I would have something to wear on Casual Fridays and at my nephew Liam’s upcoming shotgun wedding, and I was appalled by the presentation of your organization’s merchandise. I have seen better displays of sports gear on uniform distribution day for dysfunctional high school track teams

I am sure you are not in charge of this debacle, but it appears whoever is posting the merchandise pictures on like is just pulling the gear from the shipping box and dropping it on the astroturf GM Wade uses for a putting surface in his office, then snapping a picture on their iPhone. Take a look at the green DEWD t-shirt. Entire laundry baskets in a freshman dorm room at Chapel Hill have less wrinkles than that shirt.

When I saw the Wood Olive Wood Ducks shirt, I immediately wondered if the hobo gave up that shirt willingly. Was the RB Black DEWD shirt left out in the floods? Even the hoodies are wrinkled. The Lightweight WD Hoodie looks like it has trains of gerbils running through the sleeves.

I appeal to your sense of decency and fashion to rectify this matter. Purchase a half sized mannequin on Amazon for about fifty bucks. Some of the older gear was indeed on a mannequin, which makes me wonder if someone stole the team mannequin after an alcohol fueled night of celebrating the end of last season. Or maybe it washed away in Hurricane Florence. Or maybe some on your front office has gone too long without human companionship and took it home.

This not just about dampening merchandise sales with abhorrent presentation. It is just a matter of time before one of the Wood Ducks’ rivals posts the pictures on social media, and the Wood Ducks will be laughing stocks of the profession. Your organization is fortunate that Brittany Tschida [Director of Retail; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] has not seen these pics yet. The ‘Peckers’ stuff pops, and the word on the mean streets of Fayetteville is that Brittany is pretty ruthless.

You are probably wondering who the hell I am. Let’s just say I am a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade, an unofficial assistant to a GM in the California League (unofficial only because of lingering contract haggling). I am not looking to tell you how to run organization… yet, but I just cannot stand by and watch minor league gear be displayed like this. Please, please fix this.

I do have one other question. Do you resent Amazon for usurping your name for its virtual assistant? It would drive me nuts if they had chosen Bads85 to be their name. “Bads85! Turn off the alarm! Bads85! What is a vegetable I can put in a chicken pot pie?” Have you ever thought about bring a class action lawsuit against Amazon? I am sure they would settle. Think of all the mannequins you could buy!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: How much wood could a wood duck duck if a wood duck could duck wood? I bet a great deal.

Dear Brittany Tschida [Director of Retail; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I was looking to purchase a ‘Pecker polo shirt because sometimes it is important to look like you work at the counter at Auto Zone when you are traveling across this fine nation. I saw that your Nike polos were $60.00, which is being help up without a gun. Still, I do not trust the moisture-wicking features on the Columbia brand because of a Cactus League purchase of their brand in Goodyear, Arizona one year. Once bitter, twice shy, you know?

I would pay just pay the $60.00 because I really want the ‘Pecker logo just about my heart on a business casual shirt because sometimes I just like into wander into minor league front offices in a semi-official capacity. A crisp, well fitted polo affords me that opportunity. However, the Nike polos just have the bird logo on them without the “Woodpecker” underneath.

As you probably know by now, I am a ‘Pecker man, not really a Woodpecker guy, but I do not want to walk in to a front office in the Northwest League with just a bird on my polo. Those dudes are going to look at me like I am from the independent leagues, or worse, think I am a JUCO coach. Is there any way we can get the “Woodpecker” on the Nike? Or better, yet, ‘Pecker?

I must commend the presentation of your merchandise on your website. Your shirts fit snugly on the mannequins rather than hanging loosely or gripping the plastic torso in a python death squeeze. Yes, I realize this is basic marketing, but you would be surprised how many other minor league organizations screw the pooch in this regard. Just look at the Down East Wood Ducks nightmare presentations. You should call them out in Twitter and start a war – a war for decency. Retail obviously is not a priority in Kinston.

I know your time is valuable, and my requests are almost certainly unreasonable, so I do not expect a reply, especially since I screwed up that large hat order in January. Oops. However, if you want to share any embarrassing information about Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing], my buddy Nick would be forever grateful.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Do you know why the caged bird sings? I do.

Dear Darren Pitra [Director of Marketing; Quad City River Bandits]:

I am not sure my River Bandits’ hat fits properly. What is your organization’s return policy?

I kid. I kid. While the River Bandits’ hat does not fit as well as my ‘Pecker hat, it feels pretty good, especially since I took the cardboard out. It is a little snug, and at first I thought you sent me a youth hat because it is much smaller than my ‘Pecker hat. I have a big head though.

I will not be returning the hat, but probably will be looking to buy a better fitting one when I pass through town this summer – and a shirt in my size. I hope you sell polo shirts because they look official, almost as if I work for the team. When I wear my 66ers polo on the road, quite often the front office of the teams I am visiting think I am an official employee of the 66ers and are much more open to baseball discussions.

Once in Billings, Montana, some dude who was large and in charge pulled me into an office and procured a bottle of Wild Turkey from a desk drawer. We had a couple of shots and shared tales of the road. Normally, I am a bourbon snob, but at 10:30 in the morning as a guest in Pioneer League ballpark, you take what is offered and like it. He was wearing a polo shirt too.

Now sometimes wearing a polo shirt can give someone an inflated sense of worth that can lead to trouble, like the security guard at Southwest University Park in El Paso, Texas. I will admit I was uncharacteristically short with this person. Perhaps it was the two shots of tequila I had with breakfast. Perhaps it was the fact that this baseball stadium’s corporate sponsor doesn’t even have an athletic program. Perhaps it was the memories of the incredible amount of flies in the bathroom of the University of Alabama’s student center a couple of days before. Perhaps it was the inflated beer prices of the California League weighing heavily on my mind. Most likely though, it was the fact that the little pissant security guard was a dick, drunk on his imaginary power, and his polo was and frumpy.

Little Bads85 and I had been hanging out in the team store before the gates opened, sharing some ORAL TRADITION with the employees when he had a bathroom emergency. One of the employees let us into the concourse to use the restroom, holding our desired merchandise. Above the urinals, there was a large sign that said, “Those with short bats please stand closer to home plate.” “If you are worried about bat size, you got no game at all,” was my response. We had not purchased tickets yet, but we were going to when the wife and daughter met us.

In the meantime, all we wanted was a picture of the inside of the stadium. In the digital age, that is not an outlandish request. We thought a picture of the beautiful park, sent via text, would speed up the women folk in our party. As we went to snap one, some young twenty something wearing a wrinkled polo shirt that was way too large for his scrawny body began yelling at us.

Security Guard: You don’t belong in here! You need to leave immediately!

Me: Calm down, Killer. We just went to the bathroom and are going to take a picture –—

SG—Bathroom? Who let you in? I will have their ass!

Me: Just calm down. We are buying tickets —.

SG: So what? The park isn’t open yet. You are trespassing.

Me: Arrest me then.

SG: What?

Me: Arrest me, Law Dawg. Pull your piece and be done with it.

SG: I don’t have a weapon, but I will call the cops.

Me (very irritated at this point): That is right call, the REAL COPS. Have them come down here to arrest me so we can all laugh at your exuberance.

SG: I don’t like your tone.

Me: I don’t care, Law Dawg. Make the call. Let’s have at it.

SG: I just need you to leave and for you to tell me who let you in.

Me: Water board us.

SG: What?

Me: Torture us. We have secrets. We are enemies of the state. (pointing to LB) Do you know how many overdue library books this kid has?

SG: Are you being a smart ass?

Me: (to LB) Let’s go.

SG: YOU CAN”T WALK AWAY FROM ME!

Me: We already have.

The Security Guard followed us back to the team shop, making all sorts of ridiculous threats, which we ignored. When we arrived, he began yelling at the employees in the team shop.

SG (to employees): I am going to have all of you fired!

Me: No, you aren’t. Shut your mouth.

Head Cashier: Don’t mind him. He is like this all the time.

Me: Really? Call your supervisor and get him her here.

Supervisor (with incredibly large breasts): I am already here.

Me: Look, my family would have probably dropped at least two hundred bucks here today. We will never come back because of that dickhead. Pass that along to the appropriate people.

Head Cashier (handing me a bag with our merchandise): Don’t forget your stuff.

Me: Are we square?

Head Cashier: Most definitely.

And out the door we went.

LB: I saw what you did there.

Me: What are you talking about?

LB: We never paid for our shirts. You stuck it to THE MAN!

Me: They let us have them because that guy was such a jerk.

LB: Sure thing, Dad.

Me: We need to get going. We have a game in San Bernardino and miles to go before we sleep.

Anyway, if one wears the polo, one should respect the polo. I am sure you understand that, Darren.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Can you believe all the silly outrage over Bohemian Rhapsody and the Oscars, mostly from chucklefucks who grew up on The Offspring?

Dear Stephen [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:

Hey, it is me, your new pal, Bads85. We haven’t exchanged missives for a while, so I thought I would check in so you would not think all you are to me is a chance at the Battle of the Barrel shot glass. Oh, speaking of that shot glass, has the shipment come in yet? Probably not since the game is not until May 4th. I sure hope nothing happens to that shipment, like the Fed Ex flunky dropping a box, spilling carefully wrapped shot glasses all across the floor of your office, and one somehow making it into your desk drawer.

I have been following your organization’s Twitter feed, and I have noticed that whoever is in charge of that thing is chummy with certain Midwest League teams, but completely ignore the other teams, say like the Quad City River Bandits. Are there cliques in the Midwest League?Does your organization have a beef with the River Bandits? Do they think the bridges of the Quad Cities are better than the ones in Peoria?

I ask because their new GM keeps pestering me about sending her a resume so I can be her new assistant general manager. I have told her nicely that I am not moving to Davenport, and have even offered to be her special assistant on remote assignment, but she wants me on the premises. Just between you and me, I would rather work for the Chiefs because you guys have much better promotions. Those people’s promotion schedule seems to peak with Weed and Feed Night.

I just realized today the River Bandits are part of the Main Street Baseball sports village, which aspires to be a sports mafia, but does not quite have to clout to run with the frisky poodles. Their owner had his ass handed to him in Adelanto, California and lost that part of the Main Street portfolio (I am referring to the High Desert Mavericks, a now defunct team). Losing to the city of Adelanto is like losing to the Washington Generals or the Italian navy.

Plus, the River Bandits are beholden to Professional Sports Catering for their your concessions. Have you the the tale of the Beer Line Fiasco in the Arizona Fall League last year? Maybe I will tell it to you sometime, but this missive is about the Midwestern League. I am not sure if you have your finger on the pulse of the league yet, being an intern and all last year, but you strike me as a quick learner, so please answer me this: which organization are the biggest prigs in the MWL?

Hey, I saw you boss, Jason Mott, modeling this Distillers’ uniforms. Man, those are sharp. Are they going top be for sale to the general public? Since the Distillers eventually won the war on Prohibition, I truly covet one. I have a growing collection of minor league promotional jerseys too — not as big as my shot glass collection, but a respectable size. Jason seems like he would be a cool boss if I were your age. I am sure it does not bother you a bit that you attended a much better institution of higher learning that he did because you are wise enough to realize that experience is often the best teacher, and Jason has a face that screams experience. Has he ever displayed signs of being a cocaine user?

I know you are busy, but I just wanted to check in because sometimes I just sit by the window, waiting for spring while daydreaming about the special shoot glass.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Six weeks for Opening Night! Can you feel the butterflies?

Dear Darren Pitra [Director of Merchandising; Quad City River Bandits]:

I received notification that my River Bandits’ hat has shipped. Great work! I am hoping it arrives for my golf match this weekend because nothing gets in your opponent’s head like a raccoon wearing a bandana across his mouth, especially one with a black cowboy hat. It is good that your organization has embraced the image of the outlaw in these times of conformity. Kids today need proper role models more than ever.

I can tell you are a busy man because your inventory does not match the sizes offered on your online store, so I will not take much of your time. I really want a River Bandits t-shirt, but I did not see one online that truly tripped my trigger (other than the Yoda one, which is no longer available in my size). I mean, you are offering some good looking shirts, but I want one that captures the spirit of the Quad Cities area, and all of yours seem to be about your thieving raccoon.

May I offer a humble suggestion? Create some options with the Rock Island Centennial Bridge on the front of the shirt. Draw on that civic pride to increase sales.  The Centennial Bridge is what people think of when they think of the Davenport/Bettendorf/Rock Island/Moline area. Embrace your resources, and throw your ferris wheel on there to personalize it. Maybe put your little Rascal the Raccoon on a big rig crossing the bridge. Or in an F-16 with nuclear strike capability. People would buy so many of those shirts. Shot glasses too.

Hey, do you guys in the Quad City area rank your bridges? Are there people partial to Arsenal Bridge who hang out in bars and make fun of the people who like the Rock Island Centennial Bridge more? Are there people waiting for the new I-74 bridge to rise in glory so they can be part of something bigger than they are now? Do these groups have jackets announcing their allegiance to a particular bridge? You guys should have a Bridge Appreciation Night. All the bridge gangs could sit in certain sections with their jackets – unless these people pack heat. We don’t want that type of trouble at the ballpark.

BTW, I put in a good word for you with your boss, Ms. Jacqueline Holm. I told her how courteous you were yesterday when you had to break the tough news that you did not have the Yoda shirt in my size. She told me a couple of weeks ago to send her a resume for the assistant general manager position you guys cannot seem to fill. I had to decline of course because I just am not going to move to the Quad Cities area, especially since I found out today that there really are five cities in the area. I did offer her my services as her special assistant on remote assignment, but I think she is a little hurt that I do not want to come work with her.

I do have to ask you this while she is out of ear shot: do you guys ever call Modern Woodmen’s Park, “The Wood”? Imagine how many t-shirts you could sell with that innuendo! Something as simple as “Got Wood?” would be a smash. I know what I am talking about here – I helped the Fayetteville Woodpeckers unofficially rebrand to “The ‘Peckers.” We created “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirts that are certain to be a smashing success once we get them from the printer.

I really need to let you go. I am pretty confident my travels will take me to The Wood this summer, so perhaps we can slam some Slippery Nipples like real baseball executives in the Midwest League do.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Who was the greatest super group?

Dear Jaqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

I feel we are growing distant as the days pass. This is undoubtedly my fault as I am incapable of giving which you desire, and that is a full time on site, assistant general manager. I understand completely, especially since I have not shared my first name or resume with you. That is just the way minor league vagabonds live —- somewhere between believing we are timeless and faking our own death. One day, you will understand.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, you may address me as El Conquistador, although that seems a little clunky. Still, I will soldier on with our communications because I am I have made a commitment to the Quad City River Bandits for the 2019 season. I even bought a hat! I tried to buy a t-shirt, but you were sold out in my size (something that would have been nice to know when I ordered the damn thing).

Darren Pitra, [Director of Merchandise; Quad City River Bandits] was very courteous in explaining why the bad ass Yoda shirt was not available. I suggested he order some shot glasses with the River Bandits logo, so if he presents that to you, just smile and tell him, “Great idea!” knowing from where that suggestion really came. Darren deduced my first name by looking at my credit card, that clever rascal.

I saw your organization released its promotion schedule (finally). I am really digging Safety Night and those clear plastic bag giveaways, not because I have a need for either as danger is my business, but because July 19^th is my birthday. I wish I could be at Modern Woodmen’s Park (or as I like to call it, The Wood) that evening, but I will be in Cooperstown for the Hall of Fame induction weekend.

Weed and Feed Night looks rather exciting as well, although not as much now that I realize you guys are talking about lawn care rather than ripping some bong hits and rushing the concession lines. Professional Sports Catering could not handle that rush anyway as evidence by their inability to properly run beer lines in the Arizona Fall League. Hey, I know the weather is different in Iowa than here, but weeding and feeding your lawn after May 30th seems rather late.

I just received an email telling me my River Bandits’ hat has shipped. I must say you guys are thorough, although I cannot compare to other teams because I usually just shoplift hats from team shops (I do not really shoplift). Darren Pitra must really be on top of things. Normally guys his age not in upper management in the minors hit the bottle too hard as they realize their life has slipped away from them, and someone younger will always have an office while they are expected to grateful for having a desk that has a lock.

I expect today to be a busy day. Let’s get at it early because tomorrow games start in the Cactus League.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: How did the Valentine’s Dinner go at Modern Woodsmen Park?

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

I hope I did not taint your search for an assistant general manager. I fear that after having made my acquaintance, the bar in your mind will be too high for any recent applicant, especially since spring training has started, and the cream of your talent pool will be grads from Duquesne and Marist University. You are probably going to have to settle for someone who was recently left another organization under dubious circumstances, say for fraud or felony theft. Remember though, I am just an electronic missive away.

I see your promotion schedule still has not been released to the public. Since only the Corpus Christie Hooks are the only Astros’ affiliate who have released their promotion schedule, I suppose you only have to worry about derision from your immediate peers in the Midwest League. Those clowns in Clinton have not released their either. Or Beloit. Or Burlington. Do you know what those teams have in common? All were in the bottom three in attendance in the Midwest League in 2018. Guess who has released their 2019 Promotional Schedule? The Dragons, Tin Caps, and White Caps, all in the top three in attendance last year. As we all know by now, there are no coincidences in minor league baseball.

I understand your plight. Perhaps the reason your organization’s front office page has yet to be updated is a massive turnover because certain people were not awarded positions they thought they were in line for. This just happened with the Inland Empire 66ers, and you know what, screw those whiners. Maybe if they had worked harder, more would have been accomplished. They can shuffle off to another front office and sit on their ass playing Toy Blast on their cell phones. The rest of us, well, we have real work to do. I hope their cover letters are in order.

Speaking of those, I bet you have had to read a great many of those in your quest to fill your staff, which is one of the reasons why I have not bothered writing one. You have too much on your plate as is, plus a candidate like me really doesn’t need one, being all larger than life and all. Hey, do you ever get camp counselors who apply? Not as like a teenage job, but as there last job? I would be like, “Get back in the woods, Sparky!” as I lit their resume on fire.

Did you know college baseball kicks off tonight? I am headed down to San Diego to watch the Toreros play tonight with my buddy Harold. The last baseball we attended together was in December in Mexicali. That crazy guy ordered a bucket of beer in the bar in left field, and they brought us ten Tecates and so, so much Tequila. Our tab was forty US dollars. I do not think they serve tequila at Fowler Park. Do they at Modern Woodmen’s Park? Do you guys ever just call your stadium The Wood since Modern Woodmen’s Park is so cumbersome? And is a pioneer a non-modern woodman? I would rather have a pioneer in my foxhole than a modern woodman.

Did I tell you I ordered a River Bandits hat? Well, I haven’t yet, but it is in my cart. Think of all that free advertising you are going to get when I wear it to California League games, Disneyland, and various golf courses through Southern California — when I am not wearing my Fayetteville ‘Peckers hat because Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing] and I are tight. I am also going to get that badass Yoda shirt you guys sell even though you only offer it in black, which makes it hard to wear California summers. I am going to look really good in that shirt when the new Star Wars Land opens this summer though, good enough that complete strangers are going to ask me about it. I will drop your name and say kind words because that is what special assistants on assignment do.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I don’t have a pop reference question today, but let us pretend I do!

Dear Austin [Vice President; Sales& Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

The ‘Pecker soared this past weekend in Southern California, my good friend, and it was truly a sight to see. The crowd at the beautiful Fowler Park at the University of San Diego on Friday fully embraced the ‘Pecker, temporarily forgetting their beloved Toreros as once side of the infield stands chanted, “Fear the Wood!” while the other side responded with “Respect the Pecker!” Leading this display was a fine ambassador of the ‘Peckers, someone who should be on their payroll because he has done more to promote your organization that you entire social media department. 

Well, this all would have happened if the game had started at the scheduled time, but first pitch was moved up two hours to beat the rain, so the valiant “Pecker ambassador was still weaving through Friday traffic and never made it to the game. Instead, he took the ‘Pecker Hat straight to Little Italy, introducing your organization to an entire new demographic. Oh, the compliments I received from total strangers while wearing that hat on our pub crawl.

The next morning, the ‘Pecker Hat emulated Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo and marched upon Point Loma. I wanted to wear my El Conquistador helmet, but my buddy Harold said the dude was Portuguese, so he pressured me out of wearing it, but not after an intense debate about whether one must be historically accurate while committing acts of cultural appropriation. Imagine Harold’s embarrassment when at the National Monument, we discovered that Cabrillo was really a Spaniard, and that the last four hundred fifty years of oral tradition in San Diego was incorrect. I was too busy photobombing the “Pecker hat into unsuspecting tourists’ shots to be upset about not getting to wear my helmet, plus there was a a guy there already wearing one, and my, did he look ridiculous.

Hey, speaking of photobombing, I came up with a plan for GM Joe and the 66ers — he should buy his staff season passes to Disneyland so they can photobomb their logo into people’s memories. Since Disneyland is an international destination, the 66ers’ logo could rapidly spread across the globe. There is no Disneyland in Fayetteville (except for those adult clubs on Bragg Boulevard), but you have Fort Bragg at your disposal. Get those ‘Pecker hats on those soldiers and into foreign lands. Imagine how much smoother George W. Bush’s occupation of Iraq would have been if US troops had taught the Iraqis to respect the ‘Pecker before trying to win their hearts and minds. 

Hey, there is a vicious rumor circulation that your organization is not planning on having any special promotions because that not in the spirit of baseball. Look, you guys are having a mascot, so you already crossed that line. Baseball purism has no place i nthe minors, so do not be those guys. I was like that once, but I was struck by lightning on the way to Damascus, and the scales fell away. Well, it was more like Bacon Hag threw her phone at me because I was being an asshole, but the metaphor is the same.

Another grave mistake your people have made is not including the price of your mini-season ticket plans on the internet. Instead, you are requiring prospective buyers to call your ticket agents so they can put a high pressure sales job on these unsuspecting folk and get them to upgrade. That is a chickenshit maneuver that will backfire in epic fashion when a master negotiator like myself makes an inquiry. Do you really think your sales reps can handle the likes of me? 

Can you believe spring training has started already? I must admit, I was still suffering from a baseball pilgrimage hangover from 2018, but I have been revitalized, thanks in large part to the ‘Pecker hat — that and the thought of the monetary compensation your bosses will be sending me to reward my excellent work. 

Need to go for now. I sent your organization pics fro this weekend on Twitter. I am sure they were quite the hit around the office.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Whatever happened to Jakob Dylan’s creative juices?

Dear Andrew Starke [President/Owner;Palm Springs Power and Chill]:

Good day. I represent a newly founded consortium to bring California League baseball back to Palm Springs where it belongs. I recently toured Palm Springs Stadium during a California Winter League games this past week. I believe we met, but did not know who each other were. I was wearing a Fayetteville Woodpecker road cap and looked quite dashing in a red Miami University pullover. You took my credit card when I was making a purchase at your team store shed and were gone so long that I was beginning to believe that you were shopping with my card on Amazon.

I enjoyed the game and the stadium experience. Your staff was ever so courteous, and your beer prices very reasonable. The weather was about perfect, and the view from the aluminum bleachers was magnificent. I am planning to return very soon with some of my baseball associates, all grizzled veterans of baseball pilgrimages at all levels. None of them have journeyed to a Frontier League showcase though, but this letter is more about Palm Springs baseball rather than guys still kicking the dream down the road.

Once upon a time, Sonny Bono turned his back on baseball in Palm Springs, and not long after that Ken Stickney emulated his carpet bagging father and moved his team to Lake Elsinore to inhabit a stadium whose construction almost put the city in bankruptcy. My consortium is dedicated to righting these past wrongs by establishing a new California League team in Palm Springs. Since you are the current tenant of the stadium in town, we would like to keep you abreast of pertinent information going forwards, and perhaps bring you aboard as a consultant in the near future. I think you would get along smashingly with my associate Harold.

As you are aware, Palm Springs Stadium has a storied history, but in its current state, it just simply is not a California League quality stadium. First of all, it faces the wrong way. Secondly, it has no seats, just bleachers. Thirdly, it has a concession shed instead of concession stands. While the ladies who run that shed are two of the warmest people I have come across in my baseball travels, this current set up is inadequate for an Advanced A ball crowd. We plan on massive renovation of the stadium, but that is down the road with private funding that we can discuss at a later date.

In the upcoming months, we would like to showcase Palm Springs as a viable baseball community. We feel that if we work in conjunction with your endeavors, not only would we be making strides to our goals, but we would greatly assisting your draw at the gate. While we greatly respect your baseball operation acumen, we have more resources and brainpower you can draw from. We ask nothing in return except for the souls of your children (I kid! We already have enough souls, both old and young alike).

Allow me to suggest some immediate improvements that we can assist you with. For starters, bleach and lightbulbs. Your men’s restroom is a grungy, dim place that is in dire need of scouring. I know that resources are tight, but I am very confident that a cleaning crew and some fresh lightbulbs would be an excellent return on your investment. If Harold saw the current state of your restroom, he would shit – actually, no he would not. His feces would crawl back up into his colon and sit there whimpering for days. Harold is not squeamish by any means – just last December, we were at the Mexican Winter Leagues, slamming tequila shots in the bar at the stadium in Mexicali from PLASTIC CUPS!

Speaking of bars, your stadium needs one in a terrible way. I am pretty sure that when Jimmy Edmonds played there in the 90’s, there was a beer garden which is now long gone. I know a bar is a massive expense, but you can start small. You just need a stand with and umbrella and a sign. Hire someone attractive to bartend, and soon you will have people congregating by the umbrella, sharing oral tradition. You can invest the extra revenues into expansion, and maybe one day you will have a bar like I do in my backyard.

Anyway, I do not want to take too much of your time, even if the California Winter League is rained out today. This would be an excellent time to scour the restrooms, especially since the homeless camp in the park won’t be nestled so close to the stadium entrance in the deluge. Harold and I will probably be coming your way next weekend because we love our cucumber chili shots at Las Casuelas, followed by carousing at Shamrocks. My wife will be making the trip also because the resorts in Palm Springs are very accommodating in regards to midgets, cannons, and our love making. This weekend though we are kicking off the college baseball season in San Diego with our pal Spivey, who is known for his small hands.

Hope to see you then!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Are you as excited as I am about the plans to make a new Dune movie?