Dear Brittany Tschida [Director of Retail; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
I was looking to purchase a ‘Pecker polo shirt because sometimes it is important to look like you work at the counter at Auto Zone when you are traveling across this fine nation. I saw that your Nike polos were $60.00, which is being help up without a gun. Still, I do not trust the moisture-wicking features on the Columbia brand because of a Cactus League purchase of their brand in Goodyear, Arizona one year. Once bitter, twice shy, you know?
I would pay just pay the $60.00 because I really want the ‘Pecker logo just about my heart on a business casual shirt because sometimes I just like into wander into minor league front offices in a semi-official capacity. A crisp, well fitted polo affords me that opportunity. However, the Nike polos just have the bird logo on them without the “Woodpecker” underneath.
As you probably know by now, I am a ‘Pecker man, not really a Woodpecker guy, but I do not want to walk in to a front office in the Northwest League with just a bird on my polo. Those dudes are going to look at me like I am from the independent leagues, or worse, think I am a JUCO coach. Is there any way we can get the “Woodpecker” on the Nike? Or better, yet, ‘Pecker?
I must commend the presentation of your merchandise on your website. Your shirts fit snugly on the mannequins rather than hanging loosely or gripping the plastic torso in a python death squeeze. Yes, I realize this is basic marketing, but you would be surprised how many other minor league organizations screw the pooch in this regard. Just look at the Down East Wood Ducks nightmare presentations. You should call them out in Twitter and start a war – a war for decency. Retail obviously is not a priority in Kinston.
I know your time is valuable, and my requests are almost certainly unreasonable, so I do not expect a reply, especially since I screwed up that large hat order in January. Oops. However, if you want to share any embarrassing information about Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing], my buddy Nick would be forever grateful.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Do you know why the caged bird sings? I do.