Dear Andrew Starke [President/Owner;Palm Springs Power and Chill]:
Good day. I represent a newly founded consortium to bring California League baseball back to Palm Springs where it belongs. I recently toured Palm Springs Stadium during a California Winter League games this past week. I believe we met, but did not know who each other were. I was wearing a Fayetteville Woodpecker road cap and looked quite dashing in a red Miami University pullover. You took my credit card when I was making a purchase at your team store shed and were gone so long that I was beginning to believe that you were shopping with my card on Amazon.
I enjoyed the game and the stadium experience. Your staff was ever so courteous, and your beer prices very reasonable. The weather was about perfect, and the view from the aluminum bleachers was magnificent. I am planning to return very soon with some of my baseball associates, all grizzled veterans of baseball pilgrimages at all levels. None of them have journeyed to a Frontier League showcase though, but this letter is more about Palm Springs baseball rather than guys still kicking the dream down the road.
Once upon a time, Sonny Bono turned his back on baseball in Palm Springs, and not long after that Ken Stickney emulated his carpet bagging father and moved his team to Lake Elsinore to inhabit a stadium whose construction almost put the city in bankruptcy. My consortium is dedicated to righting these past wrongs by establishing a new California League team in Palm Springs. Since you are the current tenant of the stadium in town, we would like to keep you abreast of pertinent information going forwards, and perhaps bring you aboard as a consultant in the near future. I think you would get along smashingly with my associate Harold.
As you are aware, Palm Springs Stadium has a storied history, but in its current state, it just simply is not a California League quality stadium. First of all, it faces the wrong way. Secondly, it has no seats, just bleachers. Thirdly, it has a concession shed instead of concession stands. While the ladies who run that shed are two of the warmest people I have come across in my baseball travels, this current set up is inadequate for an Advanced A ball crowd. We plan on massive renovation of the stadium, but that is down the road with private funding that we can discuss at a later date.
In the upcoming months, we would like to showcase Palm Springs as a viable baseball community. We feel that if we work in conjunction with your endeavors, not only would we be making strides to our goals, but we would greatly assisting your draw at the gate. While we greatly respect your baseball operation acumen, we have more resources and brainpower you can draw from. We ask nothing in return except for the souls of your children (I kid! We already have enough souls, both old and young alike).
Allow me to suggest some immediate improvements that we can assist you with. For starters, bleach and lightbulbs. Your men’s restroom is a grungy, dim place that is in dire need of scouring. I know that resources are tight, but I am very confident that a cleaning crew and some fresh lightbulbs would be an excellent return on your investment. If Harold saw the current state of your restroom, he would shit – actually, no he would not. His feces would crawl back up into his colon and sit there whimpering for days. Harold is not squeamish by any means – just last December, we were at the Mexican Winter Leagues, slamming tequila shots in the bar at the stadium in Mexicali from PLASTIC CUPS!
Speaking of bars, your stadium needs one in a terrible way. I am pretty sure that when Jimmy Edmonds played there in the 90’s, there was a beer garden which is now long gone. I know a bar is a massive expense, but you can start small. You just need a stand with and umbrella and a sign. Hire someone attractive to bartend, and soon you will have people congregating by the umbrella, sharing oral tradition. You can invest the extra revenues into expansion, and maybe one day you will have a bar like I do in my backyard.
Anyway, I do not want to take too much of your time, even if the California Winter League is rained out today. This would be an excellent time to scour the restrooms, especially since the homeless camp in the park won’t be nestled so close to the stadium entrance in the deluge. Harold and I will probably be coming your way next weekend because we love our cucumber chili shots at Las Casuelas, followed by carousing at Shamrocks. My wife will be making the trip also because the resorts in Palm Springs are very accommodating in regards to midgets, cannons, and our love making. This weekend though we are kicking off the college baseball season in San Diego with our pal Spivey, who is known for his small hands.
Hope to see you then!
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Are you as excited as I am about the plans to make a new Dune movie?