An Appeal to Ms. Holm’s Distance

Dear Jaqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

I feel we are growing distant as the days pass. This is undoubtedly my fault as I am incapable of giving which you desire, and that is a full time on site, assistant general manager. I understand completely, especially since I have not shared my first name or resume with you. That is just the way minor league vagabonds live —- somewhere between believing we are timeless and faking our own death. One day, you will understand.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, you may address me as El Conquistador, although that seems a little clunky. Still, I will soldier on with our communications because I am I have made a commitment to the Quad City River Bandits for the 2019 season. I even bought a hat! I tried to buy a t-shirt, but you were sold out in my size (something that would have been nice to know when I ordered the damn thing).

Darren Pitra, [Director of Merchandise; Quad City River Bandits] was very courteous in explaining why the bad ass Yoda shirt was not available. I suggested he order some shot glasses with the River Bandits logo, so if he presents that to you, just smile and tell him, “Great idea!” knowing from where that suggestion really came. Darren deduced my first name by looking at my credit card, that clever rascal.

I saw your organization released its promotion schedule (finally). I am really digging Safety Night and those clear plastic bag giveaways, not because I have a need for either as danger is my business, but because July 19th is my birthday. I wish I could be at Modern Woodmen’s Park (or as I like to call it, The Wood) that evening, but I will be in Cooperstown for the Hall of Fame induction weekend.

Weed and Feed Night looks rather exciting as well, although not as much now that I realize you guys are talking about lawn care rather than ripping some bong hits and rushing the concession lines. Professional Sports Catering could not handle that rush anyway as evidence by their inability to properly run beer lines in the Arizona Fall League. Hey, I know the weather is different in Iowa than here, but weeding and feeding your lawn after May 30th seems rather late.

I just received an email telling me my River Bandits’ hat has shipped. I must say you guys are thorough, although I cannot compare to other teams because I usually just shoplift hats from team shops (I do not really shoplift). Darren Pitra must really be on top of things. Normally guys his age not in upper management in the minors hit the bottle too hard as they realize their life has slipped away from them, and someone younger will always have an office while they are expected to grateful for having a desk that has a lock.

I expect today to be a busy day. Let’s get at it early because tomorrow games start in the Cactus League.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: How did the Valentine’s Dinner go at Modern Woodsmen Park?

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