I Introduce Myself to the Wood Ducks

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks]:

I have some comments about your logo and mascot, and I do not want to bother your crack staff of underlings who are busy making the imperative decisions for the start of the 2019 season. I know a legend like yourself normally does not field questions from strangers via email, but I am confident we will not be strangers for much longer.

Your logo is this bad ass duck carrying around this phallic weapon that would make a spinster blush, but your mascot looks like the Sleestack God from the old TV series, The Land of the Lost. I am not talking about the Will Ferrell nonsense; I am talking about the good stuff from our youth. Look, I know mascots are supposed to be cartoon like, but your DEWD fell into some Sherwin-Williams cans and came out vibrant and well, just wrong.

There is quite the disconnect between the logo and the mascot. The logo makes me feel that everything is alright in this world because the bad ass duck with the big stick is going to keep the bad men away, but the mascot makes me want to drive a fleet of Shriner cars through a House of Mirrors at the county fair just to watch the carnies scatter. Are you sure that mascot is worthy of the name “Woodies”?

“Woodies” is minor league genius by the way, a terrific innuendo that illicit winks from men and moistness from women while entertaining the children. I have been working (unofficially) with the Fayetteville Woodpeckers on a rebranding effort in which they drop the wood and go with the ‘Peckers. Nobody respects a woodpecker, but a ‘Pecker, well, that commands respect. We even created a ######## slogan, “Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker!” That would certainly sell truckloads of t-shirts, but the stuffy shirts at corporate seem slow to move on the idea.

I am not sure if the Fayetteville organization fully grasps the concept of minor league baseball. You guys Down East certainly get it though. $1.00 Natty Lights on Thirsty Thursday! Now there is a throwback to the good old days of minor league ball before corporate entities and craft brewers unwittingly conspired to drive the price of beers at the ballparks to unsustainable levels. No wonder minor league attendance has dropped to its lowest level in over a decade. I can remember $1.00 pitchers of Coors Light at Fiscalini Field back in a time when we thought Kurt Cobain would outlive Eddie Vedder.

Do you really think the good people of Kinston are going to want to throw down dollar Natty Lights with the orange and green Sleestack God? You guys only drew about 1,770 a game last year, which are sub Adelanto numbers, and I think you know about the bad #### that went down in that town. You need a mascot the fans can gravitate towards, not one that leaves scar tissue on retinas, which are the windows to the soul. You need a mascot that presents itself with virility.

Think about it – you have a mascot running around your stadium with “Woodies” on its chest, but it is this skinny, flaccid orange and green thing with a tuft of dyed neon pubic hair under its chin. You need to give DEWD some bulk (and manscape that growth under his chin). He looks like he could not even swing a limp celery stick. Speaking of celery, if you put some muscle on DEWD, you can take on the road to Wilmington, and he can throw a full body tackle on Mr. Celery. Feeble DEWD cannot pull that off.

By now, you are probably wondering just who the hell I am. I am what one would call a Minor League Old Soul. I am very well known in the California League because I am the unofficial assistant to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]. The “unofficial” status lingers because of ongoing contract negotiations that should be resolved soon. During these negotiations, I have reached out to other teams because I am a giver. For a brief time, I was an official candidate for the assistant GM position with the Quad City River Bandits, but those slave drivers actually wanted me to move to Iowa to do the job. Plus, they are a part of Main Street Baseball, the organization that walked right into that Adelanto massacre. Their hats are cool though – I just received mine today.

Well, I know you are probably checking out of the office soon for the weekend because than is what top dawgs do, so I will cut this short. I am sure we will be in contact soon.

Remember, life is too short for a flaccid Woodie.

Your friend in baseball,

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