‘Peckers March on San Diego

Dear Austin [Vice President; Sales& Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

The ‘Pecker soared this past weekend in Southern California, my good friend, and it was truly a sight to see. The crowd at the beautiful Fowler Park at the University of San Diego on Friday fully embraced the ‘Pecker, temporarily forgetting their beloved Toreros as once side of the infield stands chanted, “Fear the Wood!” while the other side responded with “Respect the Pecker!” Leading this display was a fine ambassador of the ‘Peckers, someone who should be on their payroll because he has done more to promote your organization that you entire social media department. 

Well, this all would have happened if the game had started at the scheduled time, but first pitch was moved up two hours to beat the rain, so the valiant “Pecker ambassador was still weaving through Friday traffic and never made it to the game. Instead, he took the ‘Pecker Hat straight to Little Italy, introducing your organization to an entire new demographic. Oh, the compliments I received from total strangers while wearing that hat on our pub crawl.

The next morning, the ‘Pecker Hat emulated Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo and marched upon Point Loma. I wanted to wear my El Conquistador helmet, but my buddy Harold said the dude was Portuguese, so he pressured me out of wearing it, but not after an intense debate about whether one must be historically accurate while committing acts of cultural appropriation. Imagine Harold’s embarrassment when at the National Monument, we discovered that Cabrillo was really a Spaniard, and that the last four hundred fifty years of oral tradition in San Diego was incorrect. I was too busy photobombing the “Pecker hat into unsuspecting tourists’ shots to be upset about not getting to wear my helmet, plus there was a a guy there already wearing one, and my, did he look ridiculous.

Hey, speaking of photobombing, I came up with a plan for GM Joe and the 66ers — he should buy his staff season passes to Disneyland so they can photobomb their logo into people’s memories. Since Disneyland is an international destination, the 66ers’ logo could rapidly spread across the globe. There is no Disneyland in Fayetteville (except for those adult clubs on Bragg Boulevard), but you have Fort Bragg at your disposal. Get those ‘Pecker hats on those soldiers and into foreign lands. Imagine how much smoother George W. Bush’s occupation of Iraq would have been if US troops had taught the Iraqis to respect the ‘Pecker before trying to win their hearts and minds. 

Hey, there is a vicious rumor circulation that your organization is not planning on having any special promotions because that not in the spirit of baseball. Look, you guys are having a mascot, so you already crossed that line. Baseball purism has no place i nthe minors, so do not be those guys. I was like that once, but I was struck by lightning on the way to Damascus, and the scales fell away. Well, it was more like Bacon Hag threw her phone at me because I was being an asshole, but the metaphor is the same.

Another grave mistake your people have made is not including the price of your mini-season ticket plans on the internet. Instead, you are requiring prospective buyers to call your ticket agents so they can put a high pressure sales job on these unsuspecting folk and get them to upgrade. That is a chickenshit maneuver that will backfire in epic fashion when a master negotiator like myself makes an inquiry. Do you really think your sales reps can handle the likes of me? 

Can you believe spring training has started already? I must admit, I was still suffering from a baseball pilgrimage hangover from 2018, but I have been revitalized, thanks in large part to the ‘Pecker hat — that and the thought of the monetary compensation your bosses will be sending me to reward my excellent work. 

Need to go for now. I sent your organization pics fro this weekend on Twitter. I am sure they were quite the hit around the office.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Whatever happened to Jakob Dylan’s creative juices?

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