A Little Housecleaning

Dear Alexa Kay [Director of Marketing, Down East Wood Ducks]:

I recently went to your online team store to purchase a Wood Ducks’ polo shirt so I would have something to wear on Casual Fridays and at my nephew Liam’s upcoming shotgun wedding, and I was appalled by the presentation of your organization’s merchandise. I have seen better displays of sports gear on uniform distribution day for dysfunctional high school track teams

I am sure you are not in charge of this debacle, but it appears whoever is posting the merchandise pictures on like is just pulling the gear from the shipping box and dropping it on the astroturf GM Wade uses for a putting surface in his office, then snapping a picture on their iPhone. Take a look at the green DEWD t-shirt. Entire laundry baskets in a freshman dorm room at Chapel Hill have less wrinkles than that shirt.

When I saw the Wood Olive Wood Ducks shirt, I immediately wondered if the hobo gave up that shirt willingly. Was the RB Black DEWD shirt left out in the floods? Even the hoodies are wrinkled. The Lightweight WD Hoodie looks like it has trains of gerbils running through the sleeves.

I appeal to your sense of decency and fashion to rectify this matter. Purchase a half sized mannequin on Amazon for about fifty bucks. Some of the older gear was indeed on a mannequin, which makes me wonder if someone stole the team mannequin after an alcohol fueled night of celebrating the end of last season. Or maybe it washed away in Hurricane Florence. Or maybe some on your front office has gone too long without human companionship and took it home.

This not just about dampening merchandise sales with abhorrent presentation. It is just a matter of time before one of the Wood Ducks’ rivals posts the pictures on social media, and the Wood Ducks will be laughing stocks of the profession. Your organization is fortunate that Brittany Tschida [Director of Retail; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] has not seen these pics yet. The ‘Peckers’ stuff pops, and the word on the mean streets of Fayetteville is that Brittany is pretty ruthless.

You are probably wondering who the hell I am. Let’s just say I am a smoke jumper in the devil’s arcade, an unofficial assistant to a GM in the California League (unofficial only because of lingering contract haggling). I am not looking to tell you how to run organization… yet, but I just cannot stand by and watch minor league gear be displayed like this. Please, please fix this.

I do have one other question. Do you resent Amazon for usurping your name for its virtual assistant? It would drive me nuts if they had chosen Bads85 to be their name. “Bads85! Turn off the alarm! Bads85! What is a vegetable I can put in a chicken pot pie?” Have you ever thought about bring a class action lawsuit against Amazon? I am sure they would settle. Think of all the mannequins you could buy!

Your friend in baseball,


PS: How much wood could a wood duck duck if a wood duck could duck wood? I bet a great deal.

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