Continued Correspondence with Ms. Holm

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

I hope I did not taint your search for an assistant general manager. I fear that after having made my acquaintance, the bar in your mind will be too high for any recent applicant, especially since spring training has started, and the cream of your talent pool will be grads from Duquesne and Marist University. You are probably going to have to settle for someone who was recently left another organization under dubious circumstances, say for fraud or felony theft. Remember though, I am just an electronic missive away.

I see your promotion schedule still has not been released to the public. Since only the Corpus Christie Hooks are the only Astros’ affiliate who have released their promotion schedule, I suppose you only have to worry about derision from your immediate peers in the Midwest League. Those clowns in Clinton have not released their either. Or Beloit. Or Burlington. Do you know what those teams have in common? All were in the bottom three in attendance in the Midwest League in 2018. Guess who has released their 2019 Promotional Schedule? The Dragons, Tin Caps, and White Caps, all in the top three in attendance last year. As we all know by now, there are no coincidences in minor league baseball.

I understand your plight. Perhaps the reason your organization’s front office page has yet to be updated is a massive turnover because certain people were not awarded positions they thought they were in line for. This just happened with the Inland Empire 66ers, and you know what, screw those whiners. Maybe if they had worked harder, more would have been accomplished. They can shuffle off to another front office and sit on their ass playing Toy Blast on their cell phones. The rest of us, well, we have real work to do. I hope their cover letters are in order.

Speaking of those, I bet you have had to read a great many of those in your quest to fill your staff, which is one of the reasons why I have not bothered writing one. You have too much on your plate as is, plus a candidate like me really doesn’t need one, being all larger than life and all. Hey, do you ever get camp counselors who apply? Not as like a teenage job, but as there last job? I would be like, “Get back in the woods, Sparky!” as I lit their resume on fire.

Did you know college baseball kicks off tonight? I am headed down to San Diego to watch the Toreros play tonight with my buddy Harold. The last baseball we attended together was in December in Mexicali. That crazy guy ordered a bucket of beer in the bar in left field, and they brought us ten Tecates and so, so much Tequila. Our tab was forty US dollars. I do not think they serve tequila at Fowler Park. Do they at Modern Woodmen’s Park? Do you guys ever just call your stadium The Wood since Modern Woodmen’s Park is so cumbersome? And is a pioneer a non-modern woodman? I would rather have a pioneer in my foxhole than a modern woodman.

Did I tell you I ordered a River Bandits hat? Well, I haven’t yet, but it is in my cart. Think of all that free advertising you are going to get when I wear it to California League games, Disneyland, and various golf courses through Southern California — when I am not wearing my Fayetteville ‘Peckers hat because Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing] and I are tight. I am also going to get that badass Yoda shirt you guys sell even though you only offer it in black, which makes it hard to wear California summers. I am going to look really good in that shirt when the new Star Wars Land opens this summer though, good enough that complete strangers are going to ask me about it. I will drop your name and say kind words because that is what special assistants on assignment do.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: I don’t have a pop reference question today, but let us pretend I do!

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