Dear Stephen [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:
Hey, it is me, your new pal, Bads85. We haven’t exchanged missives for a while, so I thought I would check in so you would not think all you are to me is a chance at the Battle of the Barrel shot glass. Oh, speaking of that shot glass, has the shipment come in yet? Probably not since the game is not until May 4th. I sure hope nothing happens to that shipment, like the Fed Ex flunky dropping a box, spilling carefully wrapped shot glasses all across the floor of your office, and one somehow making it into your desk drawer.
I have been following your organization’s Twitter feed, and I have noticed that whoever is in charge of that thing is chummy with certain Midwest League teams, but completely ignore the other teams, say like the Quad City River Bandits. Are there cliques in the Midwest League?Does your organization have a beef with the River Bandits? Do they think the bridges of the Quad Cities are better than the ones in Peoria?
I ask because their new GM keeps pestering me about sending her a resume so I can be her new assistant general manager. I have told her nicely that I am not moving to Davenport, and have even offered to be her special assistant on remote assignment, but she wants me on the premises. Just between you and me, I would rather work for the Chiefs because you guys have much better promotions. Those people’s promotion schedule seems to peak with Weed and Feed Night.
I just realized today the River Bandits are part of the Main Street Baseball sports village, which aspires to be a sports mafia, but does not quite have to clout to run with the frisky poodles. Their owner had his ass handed to him in Adelanto, California and lost that part of the Main Street portfolio (I am referring to the High Desert Mavericks, a now defunct team). Losing to the city of Adelanto is like losing to the Washington Generals or the Italian navy.
Plus, the River Bandits are beholden to Professional Sports Catering for their your concessions. Have you the the tale of the Beer Line Fiasco in the Arizona Fall League last year? Maybe I will tell it to you sometime, but this missive is about the Midwestern League. I am not sure if you have your finger on the pulse of the league yet, being an intern and all last year, but you strike me as a quick learner, so please answer me this: which organization are the biggest prigs in the MWL?
Hey, I saw you boss, Jason Mott, modeling this Distillers’ uniforms. Man, those are sharp. Are they going top be for sale to the general public? Since the Distillers eventually won the war on Prohibition, I truly covet one. I have a growing collection of minor league promotional jerseys too — not as big as my shot glass collection, but a respectable size. Jason seems like he would be a cool boss if I were your age. I am sure it does not bother you a bit that you attended a much better institution of higher learning that he did because you are wise enough to realize that experience is often the best teacher, and Jason has a face that screams experience. Has he ever displayed signs of being a cocaine user?
I know you are busy, but I just wanted to check in because sometimes I just sit by the window, waiting for spring while daydreaming about the special shoot glass.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Six weeks for Opening Night! Can you feel the butterflies?