Dead Religions

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

Glassdoor is suggesting that you still have not filled the assistant general manager position. I can believe that because when I perused the job description, I quickly realized that the position was actually three different jobs rolled into one. I mean, amusement ride operations is one of the job requirements. I love firing midgets out of cannons, but real minor league baseball executives do not operate fair rides. It just is not safe after the four Wild Turkeys they have for lunch. 

Anyway, this missive is not about me coming to work for you, even though I could do most of those requirements remotely (may I ask why the local casinos are not partners with your organization?). I am writing to share some exciting news: I wore a River Bandits hat to the last Cactus League game this weekend, and the guy who sold me my $36.00 t-shirt was very impressed with the design. Of course, he did not know where Iowa is, but he liked the hat.

Also, Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston, NC to throw out the first pitch for a game between the Woodpeckers and the Wood Ducks. He is also shipping me some free Wood Ducks gear because we have bonded like true souls of the road do in the minors. It is a Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters’ Champion…

Are you old enough to get that movie reference? One of my buddies at the Cactus League was struggling the younger people on the trip not getting his references. It might have helped if he was quoting iconic films instead of “B” movies form the 80’s, but this guy is not wired like the rest of us. 

So Wade of the Wood Ducks and I are drumming up the natural rivalry between the Woodpeckers and his organization. Honestly, I do not care who comes out on top in this; I just want to see fans bases go to war. Who are the River Bandits’ rivals? I bet those clowns in Clinton are, right? There hasn’t been lumber in that town for over a century, but those guys keep beating their boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly to the past. Or maybe the LumberKings do not have enough fans to be anyone’s rivals. 

I know you are busy, so I will keep this short. Even though I am in high demand across the minors these days, I will always have a special place in my heart for the River Bandits because of Darren Pitra [Director of Merchandising; Quad City River Bandits]’s excellent customer service with my hat. If you were to offer a chance to throw out the first pitch at a River Bandits’ game, I would almost certainly accept.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: That beating the boats thing is from The Great Gatsby, not my original prose. I know it is probably hard to tell the difference. 

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I regret to inform you that the Cactus League crowds were not ready for the “Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!” chants. Security in most parks was downright hostile to any attempts by my crew of Nobody’s Darlings to start the chant, probably because they resented our beauty. I place the blame of the chant’s Cactus League rejection solely on your organization, who has been slow to cultivate the marketing of the slogan.

I do have some great news though: Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston to throw out a first pitch for a ‘Peckers/Woodies matchup this summer. He is also sending me a bunch of free Woodies’ bling because he recognizes the importance of me being an ally rather than a foe. He also wants to design a promotion around my appearance.

You should bring your crew done for the game, and we can sit in their beer gardens that have more than four taps and pound Irish Car Bombs like real minor league executives do. Maybe some of the outlaw spirit the Wood Ducks are known for will rub off on your staff. Wade is already negotiating with the Carolina SABR Chapter to come to a game. You should be all over that, especially of the baseball history in Fayetteville, plus you already know one of the members, our good buddy Nick!

You really should meet the chapter president, but I wonder if you are ready for such an encounter. Wade is though, well, as ready as anyone can be because Wade has a bit of outlaw in him. No one is really ready to meet this guy.

The Wood Ducks are taking this Woodies/’Peckers rivalry seriously – word on the street is they are going to call it the Battle for the Wood. I gave them that idea because as you know, I am a giver. Wade says you should also be a giver also and give Bads85 some ‘Pecker gear. Now you do not have to do that because my loyalties are not easily bought, but I certainly would not turn down anything you send my way. As your organization knows because they follow me on Twitter, I love to wear my ‘Pecker hat everywhere. In fact, I wore it to seven of the eight games I attended in the Cactus League. I did not wear it the last game because I had received no Likes from your organization. Instead, I wore my Quad City River Bandits hat, and instant Like!

But I digress. I hope you are contemplating marketing strategies to cultivate the rivalry, or at least have Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communication] on the case. Once upon a time, the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes and the Inland Empire 66ers used to milk the teat of the bitter rivalry between the two cities, but then tires started getting slashed, which led to people getting stabbed, which led to hiring off duty police with sidearms for security, which really harshed my mellow. Make sure Ben does not go overboard because some of those 1,700 Wood Ducks fans almost certainly have shotguns. Remember, a rivalry is all fun and games until someone takes bird shot to the face, then is just a game — the most dangerous game.

I know you must feel a little blindsided with my new affinity with the Wood Ducks, but relationships are two way streets, and nothing has been coming down your side of the road for a while. Besides, it is not as if I am going to run off with a minor league team that doesn’t even own a mannequin. I am about making all teams better, well except  for the Quakes. Those guys can go fuck themselves, just like Professional Sports Catering.

PSC had a chance to redeem themselves this past weekend in Peoria, but they shit the bed. I waited over fifteen minutes for a beer in their outfield bar, and they would only sell me one because they enjoy intercourse with pigs. To be fair my buddies say they did not have this problem, and that maybe my view was a bit prejudiced. One went as far to suggest that I had even hallucinated my run in with that roving human trafficking crew that lure people to empty business offices late in the night under the guise of ticket brokering, and that maybe I was not a reliable narrator, but that guy was wearing a Phillies’ Jamie Moyer jersey. Hey you know who else employs PSC? The Quakes, that is who.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I wear a Size 8 cap and a XXL shirt.

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Sorry for the delay in my response to your exciting news. I was in the savage throes of a Cactus League weekend, avoiding mobile sects of human trafficking and driving around town with in a Lyft with a certified lunatic and a bunch of Pabst Blue Ribbon tall boys. This is the land where Hunter S. Thompson refused to visit because of he knew he could not hang. You should have seen the look on our driver’s face when my friend asked her if she minded stopping for some zip ties and duct tape. I hope one day soon you get to meet my friend as he is from your area, but more on that in a bit.

I did notice that you had been assigned the Hickory organization, but I did not congratulate you because I was not sure if it was a promotion or punishment. I hope the Rangers are adequately compensating you for duties with the Crawdads. Have they released their promotion schedule yet? I see they are missing a mannequin also, but have the sense to take pictures of the merchandise on clothes hangers instead of just throwing them on the floor and shooting them with a cell phone.

I will let you choose what merchandise you would like to send me. I would humbly request a shot glass if possible. You see, I have a shot glass freezer on my bar, and I would love to be able to reach in there and pull out the Wood Ducks shot glass and fill it with Fireball or tequila. Those silly ‘Peckers do not have shot glasses because they are too bust completing their Death Star. I thank you again for your generosity.

The idea of me throwing out a first pitch is very intriguing. I would not be coming with my dogs though, but my wife and children named Sweet Tea and White Lightning. We are embarking on a cross country road trip in July. I was going to try to swing through North Carolina to see the ‘Peckers new park at one point in that trip. Perhaps I can arrange a detour to Kinston – or fly out there.

I do have a serious idea for a promotion/group night whether I make it or not. You know that lunatic referenced at the beginning of this missive? Well, he is on the Society of American Baseball Research’s board of directors. He has implored me to reach out to you on his behalf to create a SABR chapter night at your park. You might be thinking, “Do I really want those blue hairs in our park arguing whether or not Ted Williams was a an effective hitting instructor, or did pitchers eventually just starting busting his hitters with fastballs because they lacked the power to really hurt the defense by taking pitches?” This is a valid concern, especially since the lunatic can get very vocal, but your beer sales will triple for that game.

I believe my friend might be also interested in your organization sending a speaker to a chapter meeting. Perhaps you and Alexa can make an appearance and discuss a bit of the history in Kinston, including how it was the host to an outlaw league team in 1920-21. Better yet, get one of those guys to make the historical presentation; it is what they do! Or maybe you can talk about the Four Gospels of Minor League Baseball: Corporate Sponsorship, Promotions, Fan Retention, and Groups Sales. Whatever the case, bring lots of bourbon and Mountain Dew.

Let me solidify my summer travel schedule this week. Until then, let’s continue to think how we can promote this Woodies/’Peckers rivalry thing, or as I like to call it, “The Battle for The Wood.” I thought of that driving home from the Cactus League – you have to admit that is goddamn genius. I tried to think of clever slogans for the Wood Ducks, but did not get much more than “We Bring the Wood”, which would sell a great deal of shirts if you if had a proper mannequin, but I think we can do better. I have requested some outside assistance on this one – so far, the only thing they have produced is “We are Down To Duck”. We are working on things with “quack” and “quacker”, and a “Duck, duck, wood.” I will keep you updated.

I have to run for now – I need to tell Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] that you have offered me to throw out a first pitch.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Have you ever heard of Pack the Park Night?

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

This morning, Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] offered a fitted Wood Ducks hat and a t-shirt if I were to join the Wood Ducks side in the ‘Peckers/Woodies rivalry. Your organization might not be taking the minor ball thing too seriously, but other organizations certainly are. Being a chap of utmost integrity, I informed Mr. Howell that my loyalties were not for sale, although I did send him my hat and t-shirt size because FREE GEAR, plus I am starting to take a real shine to that Wood Duck logo. Their mascot scares the bejeezus out of me, but that logo is sharp.

While I know you are a busy man opening a stadium that has a bar with only four taps, I think you should recognize that other teams behave in very predatory manners because it is so, so much fun. I fell the ‘Peckers are spending too much time trying to be perfect rather than enjoying the moment. Remember it is best to worship at the altar of baseball than to perform acts of fellatio on corporate sponsors.

This is not to downplay the importance of making money. However, the milk of the corporate teat often curdles while the cash of the working man remains forever sweet. You might want tattoo that bit of wisdom to a part of your body you see in the mirror every morning.

Speaking of tattoos, I am departing for the Cactus League very shortly and will be wearing the ‘Pecker hat proudly. I will send your organization pictures via Twitter. My buddies and I might even consume enough liquor that we get a ‘Pecker tattoo out by that place at the airport. Well, we really will not do that because we have not been lobotomized, but we will raise our glasses to the ‘Peckers and loudly sing the ‘Pecker chant I created – go ahead and say it with me now, “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!”

I really need to finish my packing, but I wanted you to realize that the Wood Ducks are taking this rivalry thing very seriously. I hope you remain vigilant in your preparations.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Wade is smooth. Be careful!

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Thank you for your response and kind gesture. I wear a Size 8 hat because I have a big head. I wear a XXL shirt because I have broad shoulders that I use to carry the weight of the world.

You caught me at a very busy time as I am heading out to the Cactus League in a couple of hours to participate in one of the holiest of baseball pilgrimages. My buddies from across the country and I will convene in the Greater Phoenix area to witness eight spring training games in the next four days. Baseball is just a backdrop though as oral tradition is what fuels our quest. And alcohol. So much alcohol.

Enough about that – you are a busy man who was kind enough to reach out to me on my second request (my first was on February 23rd, 2019 inquiring about your rather alarming mascot). I will gladly accept your merchandise as a foundation our future professional relationship, but I implore you to understand that my loyalties cannot be bought. They certainly can be swayed though, and your shrewd, but your kind gesture is a wonderful step in that direction. I even trust there will not be a bomb or insects in the shipping containers.

You see, I really want to believe in you guys. Those ‘Peckers are approaching soulless automaton status with their shiny new ballpark with its corporate bars and seating. Can you believe those guys built a snooty bar not available to the public and only included four beer taps? And nine hundred bucks for season tickets, not including parking?

You guys represent the old spirit of the minor leagues, plus you have “Woodies” on your jerseys. Those corporate stiffs in Fayetteville have been slow to even embrace my ‘Pecker suggestions, even though they are licenses to print money. They worship that little bird of theirs, and you know what the baseball gods say about false idols.

I have a good feeling about the Wood Ducks, Wade – and I felt that way even before you offered to send me merchandise. I understand your online merchandise presentation problem – actually, I do not. We need to fix that. I say “we” because I can offer my services – remotely of course. No, I am not looking to be added to payroll; I am just a giver. If you would like, I can get your organization a mannequin on Amazon.com.

Anyway, I need to finish deciding what to wear to the Cactus League and finish making my playlists for the trip. I am a little bit glum that I will not be able to wear Wood Ducks gear on this journey, but there will be many more baseball roadtrips in the future. On this trip, I will have to settle for my Aguilas de Mexicali jersey instead of my Woodies.

Your friend in baseball
Bads85

PS: In the ‘Pecker/Woodies rivalry, I am Switzerland… for now.

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks]:

I was going to purchase a Woodies jersey to wear to the Cactus League in regal splendor, but repeated looks at your online merchandise presentation has made me ponder if the jersey would arrive with a family of horny cockroaches. This would be a massive faux pas in the Cactus League where looking good is just as important as the story you tell.

Does your organization just not care about selling merchandise, or has it adopted a wake and bake lifestyle where presentation is something The Man expects, so you guys are going to stick it to The Man? I am all for that, but river rafting outfitters have crisper clotheslines hanging in their campgrounds.

I thought the Woodies were going to be this rebel organization in Kinston, NC that played by a different set of rules than those fascists overlords in Fayetteville who goosestep all around town. They play in Segra Deathstar Field while you guys play in Grangier Stadium, which could be a cool place like Yavin 4 or Hoth, but the way your merchandise appears, your organization calls Dagobah home. Seriously, that Olive Wood Ducks Tee looks like Luke peeled it off right before he jumped in his X-Wing to head off to Cloud city to get his hand chopped off by Daddy Vader.

The Woodies and the ‘Peckers should be the great rivalry of the Carolina League, but instead of the Rebels versus the Imperials, you are giving us the preppies versus the stoner. Instead of Han Solo, we have Jeff Spicoli, except there is no surf in Kinston.

The ‘Peckers are coming into your house at the end of April. You must decide, Dagobah or Yavin 4? Luke and Leia, or Jay and Silent Bob? I mean, that weekend is one of the holiest of minor league giveaways, Pet Bandanna on Pet Picture Jersey Auction Night. Will you be ready?

There is a rumor on the street that the Texas Rangers set up your organization to run at a loss for tax purposes. They are not really interested in your organization succeeding, which is why they stuck you in a backwater place the Cleveland Indians abandoned. Perhaps you are complicit in the matter; it is not for me to pass judgment in the matter. However, you could at least have some fun while on this assignment, and the Woodies/’Peckers are a great way to do this. The baseball gods have handed you gift. Ignore it at your own peril.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I would have orders a shot glass also, but was not sure what type of resin would have been at the bottom.

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Social media informed me that Victoria Huggins [Manager, Community & Relations; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] was out and about reading to children at local elementary schools. While this is very commendable, does Victoria realize that over half of these children will probably not like to read by time they are in seventh grade thanks to a failing public school system that makes reading a chore instead of a pleasure?

And while Victoria certainly was not torturing children today by reading to them, I strongly object to her choice of reading material, The Owl and the Woodpecker, by Brian Wildsmith. This is a take about two natural enemies that cannot get along because of each other’s selfishness, and then one day the Woodpecker saves the owl because it suddenly decides to disobey the laws of nature to save its natural enemy. What is this feel good propaganda that Victoria is passing off to these unsuspecting children?

When your enemy is down, you don’t save it because not might come back and eat you. That is the way nature works, man — survival the fittest, not some kumbaya stuff about coming together to work as a team, village, or trade union. Don’t lecture me about the author using personification to paint some greater metaphor that developing cognition can grasp. The laws of nature do not recognize chivalry; they acknowledge survival.

I bet you guys did not know Wildsmith wrote a book called The Little Wood Duck, which is some fucked up Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer bullshit where deformities are the targets of derision until the deformity saves the say. The Little Wood Duck’s own mother is cruel to him because he has one webbed foot larger than the other. If Victoria wants to motivate children to read, she should choose more relevant authors than dead British guys who can paint. Whatever the case, she should not have chosen some ridiculous tale of natural enemies bonding. What is next? Wolves making love to sheep?

If Victoria had wanted to tell a tale of different creatures overcoming their differences to solve a problem for the greater good, perhaps she should have used a story about sport rivals overcoming ingrained prejudices built upon the color of laundry. Why she could have even used the fierce rivals the Woodies and the ‘Peckers as an example.

Do ‘Pecker parents really want their children to be helping strange Woodies? Of course not. Those Woodies might be diseased. When you see a Woodie on the road, you let it wither, lest it come back and try to knock on your back door. The Woodie parents think the same way — who knows if that ‘Pecker is not bent the wrong way? Sometimes a Woodie and a ‘Pecker might have a beer together, fall into a forbidden love, and have children out of wedlock, and nothing good comes from this because of societal taboos.

Victoria could have told a tale of the Woodies and the ‘Peckers working together in a time of need – perhaps Mr. Celery could have been leading a marauding band of invaders from Delaware, and the Woodies and the ‘Peckers had to defeat a common foe to save themselves, and while doing that, both parties learned that the two groups were not really different – except for the Wood Ducks being incredible slobs.

Austin, I bet you are thinking, “How could have Victoria read a story like that? It has not been written yet.” Well, you are correct because kiddie lit is not really my bag. However, Victoria could have had the students write their own stories and draw their own illustrations, creating their own story about the Woodies and the ‘Peckers coming together. Victoria could have still done her reading gig when she modeled stories so those little cherubs had a FOUNDATION TO CREATE, and could have been climbing the ladder of Bloom’s Taxonomy to synthesis. Or they just could have eaten paste like those little boogers are known to do.

Your friend in baseball,

Bad85

PS: The Winston Salem Dash are laughing at your promotion schedule. LAUGHING.

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

It has been so long since we have exchanged missives that I fear that you are forgetting my name, which is about the worst thing that can happen in the minors (it was also the crux of John Hughes’ The Breakfast Club). I have tried to purchase a season ticket mini-pack through your organization’s sales office, but they do not appear to believe that I am a serious customer. Or perhaps they are afraid I will give the leftover tickets to the hobos of Fayetteville. 

Whatever the case, I am heading to the Cactus League in a couple days and do not have my ‘Pecker tickets yet. Can you tell ol’ Liz that Nick and I are seriously looking to spend our money on tickets? If our money is no good, I bet it will spend well down in Kinston where your natural rivals, the Woodies play. Thanks to my word of mouth, numerous minor league fanatics in Southern California are anxiously awaiting the Woodies versus the ‘Peckers this season. 

I almost purchased a “Woodies” jersey to wear to the Cactus League last week, but their presentation of their merchandise made me fear cockroaches would come in the shipping, and one cannot take cockroaches to the Cactus League without being mocked mercilessly by the vicious cliques of various stadiums. Thankfully I did not because you guys released your uniforms last week, and I must say they are sharp. Do I get an employee discount since I am basically your right hand man?

Do you ever worry that since your organization is such a well oiled machine that the ‘Peckers will be considered Darth Vader by the Carolina League fans while the ragtag Woodies who do not even have a mannequin will be considered the Rebels as they fight a valiant fight against corporate oppression? You guys even employ Professional Sports Catering, who are the Grand Moff Tarkin of concessions. Do you guys even plan on having a Star Wars Night, or is it going to be Data Analysis Night every night?

I see you are coupling your Thirsty Thursday with Pepsi products. You do know that Pepsi products do not quench a thirst because of the massive amounts of sugar in their products? Have you ever heard someone order a Jack Daniels and Pepsi? Of course not. You know who does drink Pepsi though? That’s right, Darth Vader. Right before he fired upon Alderaan, he and Grand Moff Tarkin were shooting Pepsi at each other through straws. Lucas left that scene on the cutting room floor because he was already daydreaming about how he was going to fuck up Boba Fett’s legacy.

I see you guys do not have a homestead against the Woodies until the first weekend of May. I hope you have the foresight to use that additional time to promote the Woodies/‘Peckers’ rivalry. I will leave the creativity to your crack team, but might I suggest using napalm with whatever you decide? Nothing makes a crowd roar like a well executed napalm strike. You had Darth Vader ever laid down some napalm, maybe the Rebellion would not have kept slipping through his fingertips. Dumbass.

Anyway, I have to decide what to wear to the Cactus League this weekend. I will be taking the the ‘Pecker hat to promote your organization. Remember to tell Liz I am serious about the mini-pack. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Han shot first!

Dear Elizabeth Adams: [Account Executive, Ticketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I yearn to be a season ticket holder for your organization during the inaugural season at Segra Field to enjoy all the perks that come with that, but alas, I live in Southern California, so spending nine hundred dollars on a full season ticket plan that does not include parking makes my financial adviser cringe. However, I have noticed that you have twelve game plans, which should keep Slick Petey in accounting quiet. 

Unfortunately, unlike most businesses in the twenty-first century, your pricing for those plans are not online, but there is an instruction to contact you. A person doesn’t get to my station in life without understanding the efficient use on man hours, and I can assure you your talents are being wasted for you to field requests that a machine could do much quicker. Please understand that this is not a reflection of you because you are obviously a dutiful employee doing the tasks your bosses tell you to complete. I salute you for that, plus I really need some information about your twelve game plans.

First, how much are they? I am talking the good seats. Are there tiered pricing plans for different promotions? Do you guys even have promotions? Do prices vary by night of the week? Is there a discount for being gorgeous? Because I am. So is my buddy Nick who lives somewhere in that Triangle Area. He and I are very tight, veterans of the minor league road. He wants season tickets also, but he does not want to commit to twelve games because he owns season tickets for the Durham Bulls, plus is he is not sure if your organization is clown shoes or not. 

Here is the deal: I am coming to town sometime in July. I do not know the exact dates yet because I have these college bound children with their own agenda. I can remember when they were cute and innocent, but now they are almost all grown up and driven. My daughter’s nickname at school is “Focus.” Things are intense these days, but I will make time for the Woodpeckers.

I am not going to use all twelve tickets, but I want to walk through that gate and shout, “Fear The Wood! Respect The Pecker!” as a season ticket holder. I might not even sit in the seats because I will probably be hanging out with Austin Schwartz in a luxury suite, or that in four tap corporate bar you have. Can I purchase a twelve pack to gain season ticket holder status, then use multiple tickets in a night or two.? Whatever I don’t use, I will send to my buddy Nick because I am a giver. Yes, I know I can buy single game tickets, but single game tickets are for peasants. I do not want to sit with the unwashed; I just want to buy a twelve game pack and show up with my buddy Nick and wave to everyone.

I cannot do any of this until I know the price of the tickets. I cannot stress enough that I want to spend money, money that will bring profit to your organization. Right now, your organization’s archaic ticket system is preventing me from doing that. This certainly is not status quo for the minor leagues. I know this because I have been around the minors, and I have seen things, many things. Please let me spend my money. I want to spend time with Nick.

I look forward to a quick response so I can finalize my plans accordingly.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Are you sure Professional Sports Catering is up to the task of ensuring Nick and I get our beer in a timely fashion? We have a history with them. A bad history.

Dear Darren Pitra [Director of Marketing, Quad City River Bandits]:

I was recently perusing your organization’s selection of polo shirts online because the clothes make the man, and you cannot fake your way into a VIP suite at the Cactus League as a scout or a team representative with a t-shirt. Yes, rejoice, I have chosen the River Bandits to be part of my spring training apparel — I hope you are sitting down as you read this because it is pretty heady stuff. Think of all the free advertising your organization will be receiving!

However, you only have one men’s polo online, and it is your “Eyes” logo, which suspiciously looks like the Lake Elsinore Storm’s logo, so I cannot wear that where I live. I guess the dress code at the local yacht club is very strict, so polo shirts aren’t much in demand in Davenport. I suppose I will have to settle for a t-shirt and wear that on a day we are hanging out in a stadium bar. The good news is I have found one I adore — the Nike S/S Core T. Since we had such a problem the last time I tried ordering a shirt, I was wondering if you had that in XXL. Your website says you do, but we both know sometimes your website is wrong.

Just think, if you had had the Yoda shirt in my size, we might have never had this opportunity to grow just a bit closer in the big world. Sometimes things happen for a reason, Darren. This July, we will almost certainly be sitting in a luxury suite at The Wood (Modern Woodsmen Park), drinking some Blue Lagoons like real minor league executives do (and listening to some Bruce Cockburn).

Hey, speaking of music, many a man of your talents can help me with my Cactus League playlists. Every year, I amaze my traveling companions with large collections of ass kicking rock ’n roll. This year the theme is “SINGALONGS!” We will not be singing out of nostalgia, so tired war horses are off limits, but other we will be singing lyrics of deep introspection and the pursuit of carnal pleasures. Think a combination of “Unskinny Bop” and “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” with “Ana Ng” and “Scar Tissue.”

Moby’s “South Side” always make a list simply because of the line, “Love and darkness and my sidearm.” It is a tale of traveling all over town as a result of provincial warfare with no parachutes or safety nets — the perfect metaphor for the vicious gang wars of the Cactus League.

Anyway, I know my t-shirt will be here in time for the Cactus League trip next week because you have proven in the past your organization’s service is stellar. I would order a jersey, but I don’t think the River Bandits and I are far enough along in our relationship for that.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Any word on those River Bandit shot glasses yet?