Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
I regret to inform you that the Cactus League crowds were not ready for the “Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!” chants. Security in most parks was downright hostile to any attempts by my crew of Nobody’s Darlings to start the chant, probably because they resented our beauty. I place the blame of the chant’s Cactus League rejection solely on your organization, who has been slow to cultivate the marketing of the slogan.
I do have some great news though: Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston to throw out a first pitch for a ‘Peckers/Woodies matchup this summer. He is also sending me a bunch of free Woodies’ bling because he recognizes the importance of me being an ally rather than a foe. He also wants to design a promotion around my appearance.
You should bring your crew done for the game, and we can sit in their beer gardens that have more than four taps and pound Irish Car Bombs like real minor league executives do. Maybe some of the outlaw spirit the Wood Ducks are known for will rub off on your staff. Wade is already negotiating with the Carolina SABR Chapter to come to a game. You should be all over that, especially of the baseball history in Fayetteville, plus you already know one of the members, our good buddy Nick!
You really should meet the chapter president, but I wonder if you are ready for such an encounter. Wade is though, well, as ready as anyone can be because Wade has a bit of outlaw in him. No one is really ready to meet this guy.
The Wood Ducks are taking this Woodies/’Peckers rivalry seriously – word on the street is they are going to call it the Battle for the Wood. I gave them that idea because as you know, I am a giver. Wade says you should also be a giver also and give Bads85 some ‘Pecker gear. Now you do not have to do that because my loyalties are not easily bought, but I certainly would not turn down anything you send my way. As your organization knows because they follow me on Twitter, I love to wear my ‘Pecker hat everywhere. In fact, I wore it to seven of the eight games I attended in the Cactus League. I did not wear it the last game because I had received no Likes from your organization. Instead, I wore my Quad City River Bandits hat, and instant Like!
But I digress. I hope you are contemplating marketing strategies to cultivate the rivalry, or at least have Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communication] on the case. Once upon a time, the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes and the Inland Empire 66ers used to milk the teat of the bitter rivalry between the two cities, but then tires started getting slashed, which led to people getting stabbed, which led to hiring off duty police with sidearms for security, which really harshed my mellow. Make sure Ben does not go overboard because some of those 1,700 Wood Ducks fans almost certainly have shotguns. Remember, a rivalry is all fun and games until someone takes bird shot to the face, then is just a game — the most dangerous game.
I know you must feel a little blindsided with my new affinity with the Wood Ducks, but relationships are two way streets, and nothing has been coming down your side of the road for a while. Besides, it is not as if I am going to run off with a minor league team that doesn’t even own a mannequin. I am about making all teams better, well except for the Quakes. Those guys can go fuck themselves, just like Professional Sports Catering.
PSC had a chance to redeem themselves this past weekend in Peoria, but they shit the bed. I waited over fifteen minutes for a beer in their outfield bar, and they would only sell me one because they enjoy intercourse with pigs. To be fair my buddies say they did not have this problem, and that maybe my view was a bit prejudiced. One went as far to suggest that I had even hallucinated my run in with that roving human trafficking crew that lure people to empty business offices late in the night under the guise of ticket brokering, and that maybe I was not a reliable narrator, but that guy was wearing a Phillies’ Jamie Moyer jersey. Hey you know who else employs PSC? The Quakes, that is who.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: I wear a Size 8 cap and a XXL shirt.