Serious Question About Future Purchases

Dear Darren Pitra [Director of Marketing, Quad City River Bandits]:

I was recently perusing your organization’s selection of polo shirts online because the clothes make the man, and you cannot fake your way into a VIP suite at the Cactus League as a scout or a team representative with a t-shirt. Yes, rejoice, I have chosen the River Bandits to be part of my spring training apparel — I hope you are sitting down as you read this because it is pretty heady stuff. Think of all the free advertising your organization will be receiving!

However, you only have one men’s polo online, and it is your “Eyes” logo, which suspiciously looks like the Lake Elsinore Storm’s logo, so I cannot wear that where I live. I guess the dress code at the local yacht club is very strict, so polo shirts aren’t much in demand in Davenport. I suppose I will have to settle for a t-shirt and wear that on a day we are hanging out in a stadium bar. The good news is I have found one I adore — the Nike S/S Core T. Since we had such a problem the last time I tried ordering a shirt, I was wondering if you had that in XXL. Your website says you do, but we both know sometimes your website is wrong.

Just think, if you had had the Yoda shirt in my size, we might have never had this opportunity to grow just a bit closer in the big world. Sometimes things happen for a reason, Darren. This July, we will almost certainly be sitting in a luxury suite at The Wood (Modern Woodsmen Park), drinking some Blue Lagoons like real minor league executives do (and listening to some Bruce Cockburn).

Hey, speaking of music, many a man of your talents can help me with my Cactus League playlists. Every year, I amaze my traveling companions with large collections of ass kicking rock ’n roll. This year the theme is “SINGALONGS!” We will not be singing out of nostalgia, so tired war horses are off limits, but other we will be singing lyrics of deep introspection and the pursuit of carnal pleasures. Think a combination of “Unskinny Bop” and “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” with “Ana Ng” and “Scar Tissue.”

Moby’s “South Side” always make a list simply because of the line, “Love and darkness and my sidearm.” It is a tale of traveling all over town as a result of provincial warfare with no parachutes or safety nets — the perfect metaphor for the vicious gang wars of the Cactus League.

Anyway, I know my t-shirt will be here in time for the Cactus League trip next week because you have proven in the past your organization’s service is stellar. I would order a jersey, but I don’t think the River Bandits and I are far enough along in our relationship for that.

Your friend in baseball,

PS: Any word on those River Bandit shot glasses yet?

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