Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
Thank you for your response and kind gesture. I wear a Size 8 hat because I have a big head. I wear a XXL shirt because I have broad shoulders that I use to carry the weight of the world.
You caught me at a very busy time as I am heading out to the Cactus League in a couple of hours to participate in one of the holiest of baseball pilgrimages. My buddies from across the country and I will convene in the Greater Phoenix area to witness eight spring training games in the next four days. Baseball is just a backdrop though as oral tradition is what fuels our quest. And alcohol. So much alcohol.
Enough about that – you are a busy man who was kind enough to reach out to me on my second request (my first was on February 23rd, 2019 inquiring about your rather alarming mascot). I will gladly accept your merchandise as a foundation our future professional relationship, but I implore you to understand that my loyalties cannot be bought. They certainly can be swayed though, and your shrewd, but your kind gesture is a wonderful step in that direction. I even trust there will not be a bomb or insects in the shipping containers.
You see, I really want to believe in you guys. Those ‘Peckers are approaching soulless automaton status with their shiny new ballpark with its corporate bars and seating. Can you believe those guys built a snooty bar not available to the public and only included four beer taps? And nine hundred bucks for season tickets, not including parking?
You guys represent the old spirit of the minor leagues, plus you have “Woodies” on your jerseys. Those corporate stiffs in Fayetteville have been slow to even embrace my ‘Pecker suggestions, even though they are licenses to print money. They worship that little bird of theirs, and you know what the baseball gods say about false idols.
I have a good feeling about the Wood Ducks, Wade – and I felt that way even before you offered to send me merchandise. I understand your online merchandise presentation problem – actually, I do not. We need to fix that. I say “we” because I can offer my services – remotely of course. No, I am not looking to be added to payroll; I am just a giver. If you would like, I can get your organization a mannequin on Amazon.com.
Anyway, I need to finish deciding what to wear to the Cactus League and finish making my playlists for the trip. I am a little bit glum that I will not be able to wear Wood Ducks gear on this journey, but there will be many more baseball roadtrips in the future. On this trip, I will have to settle for my Aguilas de Mexicali jersey instead of my Woodies.
Your friend in baseball
PS: In the ‘Pecker/Woodies rivalry, I am Switzerland… for now.