Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:
Glassdoor is suggesting that you still have not filled the assistant general manager position. I can believe that because when I perused the job description, I quickly realized that the position was actually three different jobs rolled into one. I mean, amusement ride operations is one of the job requirements. I love firing midgets out of cannons, but real minor league baseball executives do not operate fair rides. It just is not safe after the four Wild Turkeys they have for lunch.
Anyway, this missive is not about me coming to work for you, even though I could do most of those requirements remotely (may I ask why the local casinos are not partners with your organization?). I am writing to share some exciting news: I wore a River Bandits hat to the last Cactus League game this weekend, and the guy who sold me my $36.00 t-shirt was very impressed with the design. Of course, he did not know where Iowa is, but he liked the hat.
Also, Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston, NC to throw out the first pitch for a game between the Woodpeckers and the Wood Ducks. He is also shipping me some free Wood Ducks gear because we have bonded like true souls of the road do in the minors. It is a Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters’ Champion…
Are you old enough to get that movie reference? One of my buddies at the Cactus League was struggling the younger people on the trip not getting his references. It might have helped if he was quoting iconic films instead of “B” movies form the 80’s, but this guy is not wired like the rest of us.
So Wade of the Wood Ducks and I are drumming up the natural rivalry between the Woodpeckers and his organization. Honestly, I do not care who comes out on top in this; I just want to see fans bases go to war. Who are the River Bandits’ rivals? I bet those clowns in Clinton are, right? There hasn’t been lumber in that town for over a century, but those guys keep beating their boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly to the past. Or maybe the LumberKings do not have enough fans to be anyone’s rivals.
I know you are busy, so I will keep this short. Even though I am in high demand across the minors these days, I will always have a special place in my heart for the River Bandits because of Darren Pitra [Director of Merchandising; Quad City River Bandits]’s excellent customer service with my hat. If you were to offer a chance to throw out the first pitch at a River Bandits’ game, I would almost certainly accept.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: That beating the boats thing is from The Great Gatsby, not my original prose. I know it is probably hard to tell the difference.