Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks]:
I was going to purchase a Woodies jersey to wear to the Cactus League in regal splendor, but repeated looks at your online merchandise presentation has made me ponder if the jersey would arrive with a family of horny cockroaches. This would be a massive faux pas in the Cactus League where looking good is just as important as the story you tell.
Does your organization just not care about selling merchandise, or has it adopted a wake and bake lifestyle where presentation is something The Man expects, so you guys are going to stick it to The Man? I am all for that, but river rafting outfitters have crisper clotheslines hanging in their campgrounds.
I thought the Woodies were going to be this rebel organization in Kinston, NC that played by a different set of rules than those fascists overlords in Fayetteville who goosestep all around town. They play in Segra Deathstar Field while you guys play in Grangier Stadium, which could be a cool place like Yavin 4 or Hoth, but the way your merchandise appears, your organization calls Dagobah home. Seriously, that Olive Wood Ducks Tee looks like Luke peeled it off right before he jumped in his X-Wing to head off to Cloud city to get his hand chopped off by Daddy Vader.
The Woodies and the ‘Peckers should be the great rivalry of the Carolina League, but instead of the Rebels versus the Imperials, you are giving us the preppies versus the stoner. Instead of Han Solo, we have Jeff Spicoli, except there is no surf in Kinston.
The ‘Peckers are coming into your house at the end of April. You must decide, Dagobah or Yavin 4? Luke and Leia, or Jay and Silent Bob? I mean, that weekend is one of the holiest of minor league giveaways, Pet Bandanna on Pet Picture Jersey Auction Night. Will you be ready?
There is a rumor on the street that the Texas Rangers set up your organization to run at a loss for tax purposes. They are not really interested in your organization succeeding, which is why they stuck you in a backwater place the Cleveland Indians abandoned. Perhaps you are complicit in the matter; it is not for me to pass judgment in the matter. However, you could at least have some fun while on this assignment, and the Woodies/’Peckers are a great way to do this. The baseball gods have handed you gift. Ignore it at your own peril.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: I would have orders a shot glass also, but was not sure what type of resin would have been at the bottom.