Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
It has been so long since we have exchanged missives that I fear that you are forgetting my name, which is about the worst thing that can happen in the minors (it was also the crux of John Hughes’ The Breakfast Club). I have tried to purchase a season ticket mini-pack through your organization’s sales office, but they do not appear to believe that I am a serious customer. Or perhaps they are afraid I will give the leftover tickets to the hobos of Fayetteville.
Whatever the case, I am heading to the Cactus League in a couple days and do not have my ‘Pecker tickets yet. Can you tell ol’ Liz that Nick and I are seriously looking to spend our money on tickets? If our money is no good, I bet it will spend well down in Kinston where your natural rivals, the Woodies play. Thanks to my word of mouth, numerous minor league fanatics in Southern California are anxiously awaiting the Woodies versus the ‘Peckers this season.
I almost purchased a “Woodies” jersey to wear to the Cactus League last week, but their presentation of their merchandise made me fear cockroaches would come in the shipping, and one cannot take cockroaches to the Cactus League without being mocked mercilessly by the vicious cliques of various stadiums. Thankfully I did not because you guys released your uniforms last week, and I must say they are sharp. Do I get an employee discount since I am basically your right hand man?
Do you ever worry that since your organization is such a well oiled machine that the ‘Peckers will be considered Darth Vader by the Carolina League fans while the ragtag Woodies who do not even have a mannequin will be considered the Rebels as they fight a valiant fight against corporate oppression? You guys even employ Professional Sports Catering, who are the Grand Moff Tarkin of concessions. Do you guys even plan on having a Star Wars Night, or is it going to be Data Analysis Night every night?
I see you are coupling your Thirsty Thursday with Pepsi products. You do know that Pepsi products do not quench a thirst because of the massive amounts of sugar in their products? Have you ever heard someone order a Jack Daniels and Pepsi? Of course not. You know who does drink Pepsi though? That’s right, Darth Vader. Right before he fired upon Alderaan, he and Grand Moff Tarkin were shooting Pepsi at each other through straws. Lucas left that scene on the cutting room floor because he was already daydreaming about how he was going to fuck up Boba Fett’s legacy.
I see you guys do not have a homestead against the Woodies until the first weekend of May. I hope you have the foresight to use that additional time to promote the Woodies/‘Peckers’ rivalry. I will leave the creativity to your crack team, but might I suggest using napalm with whatever you decide? Nothing makes a crowd roar like a well executed napalm strike. You had Darth Vader ever laid down some napalm, maybe the Rebellion would not have kept slipping through his fingertips. Dumbass.
Anyway, I have to decide what to wear to the Cactus League this weekend. I will be taking the the ‘Pecker hat to promote your organization. Remember to tell Liz I am serious about the mini-pack.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Han shot first!