Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
This morning, Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] offered a fitted Wood Ducks hat and a t-shirt if I were to join the Wood Ducks side in the ‘Peckers/Woodies rivalry. Your organization might not be taking the minor ball thing too seriously, but other organizations certainly are. Being a chap of utmost integrity, I informed Mr. Howell that my loyalties were not for sale, although I did send him my hat and t-shirt size because FREE GEAR, plus I am starting to take a real shine to that Wood Duck logo. Their mascot scares the bejeezus out of me, but that logo is sharp.
While I know you are a busy man opening a stadium that has a bar with only four taps, I think you should recognize that other teams behave in very predatory manners because it is so, so much fun. I fell the ‘Peckers are spending too much time trying to be perfect rather than enjoying the moment. Remember it is best to worship at the altar of baseball than to perform acts of fellatio on corporate sponsors.
This is not to downplay the importance of making money. However, the milk of the corporate teat often curdles while the cash of the working man remains forever sweet. You might want tattoo that bit of wisdom to a part of your body you see in the mirror every morning.
Speaking of tattoos, I am departing for the Cactus League very shortly and will be wearing the ‘Pecker hat proudly. I will send your organization pictures via Twitter. My buddies and I might even consume enough liquor that we get a ‘Pecker tattoo out by that place at the airport. Well, we really will not do that because we have not been lobotomized, but we will raise our glasses to the ‘Peckers and loudly sing the ‘Pecker chant I created – go ahead and say it with me now, “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!”
I really need to finish my packing, but I wanted you to realize that the Wood Ducks are taking this rivalry thing very seriously. I hope you remain vigilant in your preparations.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Wade is smooth. Be careful!