Dear Elizabeth Adams: [Account Executive, Ticketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
I yearn to be a season ticket holder for your organization during the inaugural season at Segra Field to enjoy all the perks that come with that, but alas, I live in Southern California, so spending nine hundred dollars on a full season ticket plan that does not include parking makes my financial adviser cringe. However, I have noticed that you have twelve game plans, which should keep Slick Petey in accounting quiet.
Unfortunately, unlike most businesses in the twenty-first century, your pricing for those plans are not online, but there is an instruction to contact you. A person doesn’t get to my station in life without understanding the efficient use on man hours, and I can assure you your talents are being wasted for you to field requests that a machine could do much quicker. Please understand that this is not a reflection of you because you are obviously a dutiful employee doing the tasks your bosses tell you to complete. I salute you for that, plus I really need some information about your twelve game plans.
First, how much are they? I am talking the good seats. Are there tiered pricing plans for different promotions? Do you guys even have promotions? Do prices vary by night of the week? Is there a discount for being gorgeous? Because I am. So is my buddy Nick who lives somewhere in that Triangle Area. He and I are very tight, veterans of the minor league road. He wants season tickets also, but he does not want to commit to twelve games because he owns season tickets for the Durham Bulls, plus is he is not sure if your organization is clown shoes or not.
Here is the deal: I am coming to town sometime in July. I do not know the exact dates yet because I have these college bound children with their own agenda. I can remember when they were cute and innocent, but now they are almost all grown up and driven. My daughter’s nickname at school is “Focus.” Things are intense these days, but I will make time for the Woodpeckers.
I am not going to use all twelve tickets, but I want to walk through that gate and shout, “Fear The Wood! Respect The Pecker!” as a season ticket holder. I might not even sit in the seats because I will probably be hanging out with Austin Schwartz in a luxury suite, or that in four tap corporate bar you have. Can I purchase a twelve pack to gain season ticket holder status, then use multiple tickets in a night or two.? Whatever I don’t use, I will send to my buddy Nick because I am a giver. Yes, I know I can buy single game tickets, but single game tickets are for peasants. I do not want to sit with the unwashed; I just want to buy a twelve game pack and show up with my buddy Nick and wave to everyone.
I cannot do any of this until I know the price of the tickets. I cannot stress enough that I want to spend money, money that will bring profit to your organization. Right now, your organization’s archaic ticket system is preventing me from doing that. This certainly is not status quo for the minor leagues. I know this because I have been around the minors, and I have seen things, many things. Please let me spend my money. I want to spend time with Nick.
I look forward to a quick response so I can finalize my plans accordingly.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Are you sure Professional Sports Catering is up to the task of ensuring Nick and I get our beer in a timely fashion? We have a history with them. A bad history.