Dead Religions

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Thank you for your response. No happy hour in North Carolina? For a place that fought two wars to be free of the oppressive government yolk, this measure sure sounds Draconian. Sometimes when you fight The Man so long you become The Man. Sometimes I fear minor league baseball is moving in that direction, which is why it is so important to nurture the OUTLAW SPIRIT.

Since The Man will not let you have a Beer Batter, have a Strikeout Batter and give a dollar off nachos or Pepsi products when the guy fans. The key here is fan buy in. You want your fan base focusing their energy on the opposition’s failure. This builds camaraderie among strangers because the despair and frustration of the enemy becomes a fervent drug. Plus, the people who have vowed to not spend any more money at the concession stand are the first in line because BARGAIN. Instant gratification is key here – no fifty percent deals at chain restaurants.

Speaking of chain restaurants, it appears the Applebee’s in Kinston is now forever closed.  Sure, Applebee’s is a place one goes to when the night has been filled with bad choices, but a town without Applebee’s is a town without a bedrock. Applebee’s is the last refuge before the ship tears its hull apart on the sirens’ rocks. It is a place where a minor league warrior can go to get his head right. Without an Applebee’s in town, we are all doomed to sail rudderlessly through the night that has no dawn. I bet there is still a Waffle House in town though. Did you know that in the land of Waffle House, Gus Malzahn is king?

I see the “Peckers travel to Kinston this weekend for the start of the Wood Cup. Maybe Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing] will make the trip with the team. If you see him, tell him Bads85 sends along his warmest regards and wonders how he feels about that 57% drop in attendance from Opening Night to the last game in the home stand. Perhaps he should have listened to some of my promotion ideas when he had the chance. Oh, and remind him that parking lots do not build themselves.

I am hoping your Twitter person is going to release a barrage of treats about the Wood Cup after tonight’s game. The Wood Cup should become one of North Carolina’s premier sporting rivalries, right behind Duke vs UNC. Families will define themselves by whether they are a Woodie or a ‘Pecker. Hatfields vs. the McCoys. The Capulets and the Montagues. Masseria and Maranzano. Habsburg and Valois. Puma and Adidas. Good blood feuds boost both ticket and merchandise sales. Forbidden love can blossom at Historic Grainger Stadium. It all starts tonight!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Seize The Wood!

Dear Eric Gardner: [Assistant General Manager; Carolina Mudcats]:

I hope your organization has recovered from the wet start of the season and can now actively pursue reversing that seven year trend of declining attendance (to the tune of 20% since 2012). I am embarking on a Carolina League road trip this July, and I was not planning on visiting your stadium because I have never really forgiven that carpet bagger Quint Studer for moving the team from Kinston to Zebulon. However, since he sold the team, I suppose I can let things go and perhaps stop by Five County Stadium, especially since your organization is having an All You Can Eat promotion on July 9th, which should feed the family rather inexpensively, which is very important on a vast cross country road trip.

Before I make this commitment though, I have a few questions. 

1. All You Can Eat Hot Dogs and Hush Puppies is a recipe for terrible gas, which can be brutal in a car with your family, especially with a teenage son. What other food options are offered? Anything other than standard ballpark fare? A concession stand named the Bait Shop does not exactly inspire confidence.
2. Your stadium does not seem to have much shade, which is not important for a night game, but it certainly is for a day game in July. Do you have misters? A luxury box that really is not being used that day in which my family can just chill? We are from Southern California and are used to a Mediterranean climate with low humidity. 
3. Is that Cattails Restaurant a menu or buffet style restaurant? Is it possible to get a good steak there? Johnny Walker Blue? Shots of Fireball? Nothing that is going to bring on the runs, right? I have been invited by Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads to throw out a first pitch at Historic Grainger Stadium that weekend. As a two decade plus minor league executive, you know just what an honor that is, and I can’t be suffering from a leaky valve because your chef made things a little too rich, especially since I am going to be hanging out with Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] in a luxury box at Segra Stadium also that weekend.
4. What type of Mad Hatter designed the stadium? Were the good folks at Odell Associates dropping boatloads of acid when they built that place? What is up with the steep concourses? The vertigo inducing upper deck of Chase Field in Phoenix looks less intimidating that that red vertical wall of seats. Do you ever rent the place out to professional rock climbers for training?
5. The scoreboard looks large. You know what they say about minor league executives with large scoreboards. Is the screen high def? Due to my ruggedly handsome good looks, I often fins myself on the big screen between innings, and I want to look my best for the citizens of Zebulon.
6. It is refreshing that your organization does not embrace the phallic symbolism that is rampant in the Carolina League. Fayetteville and Kinston grapple with the wood, the Keys play at Harry Grove, and those sick bastards in Winston-Salem have a throbbing purple ramrod as their logo. Plus, there is the Blue Rocks. A Mudcat are not some euphemism for something dirty, is it?
7. I see you have shot glasses for sale in your team store, which means you are a top notch organization in my book. I had to chide Adam Franey [Former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers] for three years to get the 66ers to start selling these. If I make it to your stadium, can we slam a couple of shooters in your air conditioned office like real minor league executives do while the peasants swelter in the sun?

I need to cut this short because I still need to respond to the latest missive from Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager; Salem Red Sox]. May your next homestand see strong attendance.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I bet you did not know I am the president of the Southern California Down East Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. 

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I have been remiss in our correspondence because my attention has been needed in the California League. Last night, I had to explain to a concession stand worker why you cannot pour beer from a tap attached to a blown keg at the 66ers game. You might be asking yourself why was Bads85 getting this beer from a concession stand rather than the first base bar or the beer gardens? Well, the Beer Batter done stuck out! You might also be asking yourself what is a Beer Batter? The answer is the greatest promotion in sports, one that dates back to the 1980’s at Fiscalini Field in San Bernardino.

Here is how it works: the 66ers designates one batter from the opposing lineup before the game as the Beer Batter. If that batter strikes out, $2.50 twelve ounce drafts for the next fifteen minutes (limit of two). You can surely imagine the tension building with each strike as the crowd salivates. Oh, the cheers for each strike! Oh, the heckles! Lives are in the balance! Dreams are on the line! If only Howard Cosell and Hunter S. Thompson were alive to participate in this today.

Because it was Monday, and the 66ers have dog shit for promotions on Monday (literally— it is bring your dog to the park night), the crowds are minuscule, so there is only one concession stand open because GM Joe is big on saving labor costs. As always, I led the charge of the thirsty masses to the concession line to get our cheap beers, only to be met by an employee who was being outsmarted by a blown keg. I guided her crew through the entire ordeal before there was a riot, but it has been like this all week — putting out one fire after another with the new help, and I do not even get one of those cool 2019 California League All Star Game polos that the paid employees get.

I do have some very good news for you. I have a very firm window of dates when I will make my appearance this summer at Historic Grainger Stadium — one of the July 11-13th dates, probably the 11th or 12th. I am not sure if Thirsty Thursday or Mother Earth Friday is the best game. The ‘Peckers are in town that weekend also, as are Durham, Greensboro, and Kannapolis. 

I wore my Woodies’ jersey to Disneyland this past weekend. My liver needed a break from the first base bar, plus the 66ers were giving away some lame LeBron tank top. The large crowd at Disneyland did not fully appreciate the Woodies’ jersey, but most of them are self absorbed tourists. I am pretty sure animated Indiana Jones figure on the Temple of the Forbidden Eye did though — we made eye contact and shared reassuring nods.

BTW, I sent you a 66ers shot glass via Amanda when I had to return a hat because it was the wrong size. It has not arrived yet, which makes me wonder if my wife sent it to the correct organization. If it does not arrive soon, I will send you another one with a six pack of some of the finest local beer. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Love the uniforms for this Saturday. 

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I hope you survived this past weekend in good spirits. I believe we passed each other at the Friday night game and made eye contact. Perhaps you were thinking it was me because no one else in the stadium wears a Down East Wood Ducks hat. I was going to stop you and formally introduced myself, but I was busy trying to pass my liver that night, and did not think we would be well met. I had to go to Disneyland to dry out the next day because Thirsty Thursday and 50 Cent Friday really set my financial advisor over the edge. 

Anyway, I really liked your 2109 California All Star Game polo. GM Joe was wearing one also, but his doesn’t quite fit as well as yours does. I asked him if those shirts would be on sale to the public soon, and he cruelly said, “No, they are employee shirts”, rubbing it in that he gets to work there every day while I only get to come on certain days and drink beer without any minor league executive responsibility. 

Well, Joe, put me on the payroll then, give me a stack of those nifty business cards, and send me on the road to be the 66ers’ ambassador across this great country. Give me a shirt to wear from park to park —- actually give me two because laundry is often hard to do in certain low rent minor league towns. My wife should probably get one also — maybe my two children also. Do not give one to Whiskey Jack though as he will just spill stuff on it. I can even crunch some numbers for the organization.

Speaking of which, let’s take a quick look at some 2019 attendance numbers:

First Home Stand 

Friday         Saturday

3,875           3,807

Second Home Stand

Friday         Saturday

3,572          3,103

Your organization (I would have said “our organization”, but I do not have a cool shirt yet) is drawing better on Fridays than Saturdays so far into this young season. You might be thinking, “Bads85, small sample sizes, hombre”, and you are correct, but about 15% of this season’s home games are in the book. 3,103 this past Saturday is a disappointment (especially with great weather), and sharp minor league execs would try to figure out what happened. Here are some possibilities:

1. People came Thursday or Friday, had to pay seven bucks to park, and decided not to come back for a while. Fan retention, George. It is one of the Four Gospels of Minor League ball.
2. Concession line blues. That front concession stand is still train wreck in a mountain pass, which is especially troublesome because it is was the masses see when they come in the gate. My daughter was gone so long getting chicken tenders I though some perv with a van might have whisked her away.
3. Saturdays are just too overpriced now to draw the big crowds. This is the Dino, not the OC. Drop macro beer prices by at least a dollar and advertise that you are champions of the working man. Keep the craft beer prices obnoxiously high so the beer snobs can feel self important emptying their wallet.
4. The LeBron jersey giveaway was a failure since the Lakers shit the bed and did not make the playoff. Crossing the streams between sports is always dicey. Had the Lakers made the playoffs, maybe things would have been different. Or maybe people do not really want basketball jerseys, especially since this fan base doesn’t really have the body shape to pull off a tank top. Burlap sacks, yes.
5. Easter weekend saw people leaving town.

I would venture it was a bit of a combination of all five. It might be absolutely nothing to worry about, but last year, the 66ers drew 8,955 on their first two Saturday nights compared to 6,910 this year (a 23% drop).

Anyway, the Quakes are coming to town. It is time to stoke that rivalry. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: What happened to Knockerball? The Dino loves it bloodsports.

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Last night was one of the best Thirsty Thursday in years, and I would like to think that is was you that is largely responsible for this. You obviously listened to my first missive and ensured your supervisors stocked the bar in The Garage with Fireball, which most certainly forever changed the course of history at San Manuel Stadium. Almost all of the 4,389 in attendance were there to drink and your organization delivered the goods on that front.

That attendance figure was the second highest in Class A Advanced ball last night, behind only the Fayetteville Woodpeckers, who were opening a new stadium. I bet you did know I was very tight with the ‘Peckers, but that is a story for a different day. Almost 4,400 for a Thursday game is a great draw at the gate, but now we must worry about fan retention. How many of those fans will come back for the next Thirsty Thursday?

Two of the biggest annoyances to casual fans are long lines in concession lines and parking fee increases. No one likes to wait, and no one likes to pay to park as it feels intrusive, almost as if someone stuck a probe in your anal cavity to get into your wallet. Did you know that San Manuel Stadium has the second highest parking cost in the California League?

California League Parking Prices:

San Jose: $15
IE: $7
Modesto: 6
Lancaster: 5
Stockton: 5
Lake Elsinore: 5
Rancho: 5
Visalia: Free

Bouncing Baby Jesus on a Crucifix Shaped Pogo Stick, George, this is San Bernardino, where the American dollar comes to die. Did the Elmore Sports Mafia dictate this price? Because it is completely out of touch with The Dino’s demographics, and it pisses off people. Is the $2.00 per car really worth annoying fans enough not to come back? Since I am a man of affluence, the money does not bother me personally, but you know me well enough by now I am a champion of the working man. Plus, the extra two dollars slows down the parking lines because the lot attendants have to count odd ball change.

I must say, the concession lines were much shorter last night, although I drank my supper last night. Anyway, I must prepare for Wizards’ Night as I am sure The Hags have a special counteroffensive planned, and I do not want to inadvertently be turned into a newt.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Have you ever had to sit next to someone at a baseball game whose view is distorted because at some point in his life, some entity placed a full anal bore in his rectum, which has caused him to shit on almost everything good in the world?

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I hope you can help me as the homestand is about to open. You see, I really do not know what to wear tonight as I thought it was ab El Cucuy Night, but it just a Thirsty Thursday. I mean, Thirsty Thursdays are so wonderful, very much like unicorns but without the rainbow feces, but a regular Thirsty Thursday makes a unique wardrobe choice more difficult. Plus, it is going to be rather warm tonight, our first warm game of the year. I sure hope Bacon Hag is wearing a bra tonight as I am in no mood to witness witch nips.

Should I wear my San Bernardino Spirit throwback jersey? I normally save that for navigating large crowds at San Manuel Stadium because people treat that jersey with reverence and step the fuck out of the way. Are we expecting a good crowd tonight? Whiskey Jack is not going because he has been drinking since the river took Emmy Lou. I am bringing my hockey crew, and these guys are messy. I don’t want spillage on my Spirit jersey, but I want to look crisp tonight.

Perhaps I will wear my Down East Ducks Thirsty Thursday t-shirt. It really pops, nut I am not sure if the unwashed masses at San Manuel Stadium are ready for it. I do not want to wear any of my Zombie Apocalypse jerseys because anyone with any sort of fashion sense knows you cannot wear those until after Memorial Day.

And hats! So many tough choices. If I wear the Wood Ducks t-shirt, I should not wear the wood Ducks hat because this doubling up in April is sheer madness. I should wear a 66er hat so all my Carolina League peeps be envious, but which one? Adam [former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers] used to help me with these tough decisions, but he selling Budweiser some place north of Modesto these days. If John Steinbeck were alive today, he would write a book about it.

I eagerly await your answers,

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Mongolian Metal! Get it on the PA!

Dear Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager; Salem Red Sox]:

That you for your rapid and thorough response to my inquiries. You don’t know how happy I am that Thirsty Thursday is still a thing at Haley Toyota Field – well, you might if you ever received a pony for Christmas as a small child. Thirsty Thursday is the fabric of the modern minor leagues, begat in Asheville, North Carolina around the time that Billy Idol was imploring us to cry, “More! More! More!” I do not mean to be bold, but you might want to advertise that Thirsty Thursday is still ALIVE before angry mobs march up US 220 from Greensboro. Those folk treat Thirsty Thursday as a religion down there.

I might also suggest the craft beer party be separated from the Thirsty Thursdays throngs to keep the peace. Those craft beer people often take umbrage to hard working Americans drinking inexpensive domestic beer with two fists, and we are reaching a critical mass in America where the Thirsty Thursdays are not going to put up with their lip for too much longer. Maybe you could have the craft beer people on one side of the stadium, and the macro beer people on the other side, and the Crafties can chant “Taste Great!” while the Macros respond, “Less Filling!” Or maybe you could just hire extra armed security for those nights.

The Beer Monger Dude needs a backstory like all great heroes do — and make no mistake, Beer Monger Dude is a hero Perhaps he is a loner who drifted in from the high plains. Maybe he walked over the mountains, home from the war. Maybe he ate fifty eggs in prison, then broke free. Perhaps he lived behind closed doors with a bunch of midgets, making delightfully exotic candy, then the midgets died. Why has our hero come to Salem?  Maybe he was falsely accused by an insane king of using corn starch in his beer. Is he on the path of exile, or the road to redemption? Maybe he is like Jeremiah Johnson, except with a land speeder. Or the Batmobile.

We do not have to fill in all the details right away – it is imperative that we get the story correct rather than rush. Had the Inland Empire 66ers done that with their alternative ego, they would have something better than a mute dipstick – their alter ego is a wrench jockey named slick because the 66ers are all about hot rods. Because they sold his narrative to a local auto dealer, well, he is lame, lame, lame. We do not want that to happened Beer Monger Dude.

I bet by now you are wondering just who the hell I am (unless you have googled Bads85 to see if he is dangerous). Technically, I am the unofficial assistant of Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers], but contract negotiations have spilled over into the season, so now I answer my own calling. I am a minor league road warrior who chose this lifestyle because no one ever lights themselves on fire on more on the high wire in the circus act called my life. We take to the road these days, armed with oral tradition, looking to meet good companions for our journey. And beer. We are always looking for that. Whiskey too.

It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Suppose Martin Luther had been borne in the time of rock ‘n roll. He could have had three chords to go with the truth!

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I recently received a text message from you one my personal cell phone reminding me of the LeBron James Reversible Jersey Giveaway Night this Saturday. I think I should inform you the last 66ers’ executive who contacted me without permission now works for the Tennessee Smokies. I do appreciate you effort to reach out to me to remind me of this, but as anyone who you work with will tell you, I have the 66ers promotional schedule tattooed to my soul. Well, Alex Groh [Assistant General Manager & Director of Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] will probably forget who I am like he always does, despite that fact we are in the Optimist Club together and members of the same country club. 

Since you have reached out to me, I have decided you will the the 66ers executive that replaces Adam Franey [former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers] as my contact guy with the front office. General Manager Joe Hudson is too busy for direct communication, and we usually communicate through telepathy anyway. Adam was the executive I shared my advice for the team with. You know those shot glasses in the team shop? They were my vision. So was the bar on first base. to be fair, that was many people’s vision. Poor Adam, working for Budweiser now. Sometimes minor league dreams just die.

So let’s talk about this season so far. You can pass my wisdom off as your own to quickly ascend the ladder of responsibility in the minors. You see, I am a giver and am not interested in my own personal advancement. I just want what is best for the fans and the organization.

The first thing I have noticed is that by examining the Monday attendance figures, full season ticket memberships are way down, maybe as much as twenty percent. This is what happens when an organization concentrates on group sales rather than catering to the Old Faithful. People feel neglected and downgrade to a half a season package. Plus people die, sometimes at an alarming rate in San Bernardino. More alarming, some purchase mini season ticket packages with the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.

Offering season ticket holders 20% off food and beverages is a nice gesture, but that gesture is rather impotent when the discount button does not work on all the cash registers. I hope this will be rectified soon. Also, clarification on whether that 20% applies to alcohol sales would be greatly appreciated. Remember, the 20% was pitched to season ticket holders included our booze. 

On Opening Night there were beer vendors in the stands. They quickly disappeared and have not been seen since. Were they slain by angry hobos? Fired for drinking on the job? Were they on the run from the law? Most importantly, will they be replaced? Do they need to be trained? Because I can train those guys to be the best damn beer vendors in American Southwest.

Was the Cucuy Bobblehead Giveaway deemed a success or failure? It seemed that while many ticket were sold, many just collected their bobbleheads and left. That was the sparsest crowd of 3,800 I have ever seen at San Manuel Stadium, unless it was Dress Like An Empty Seat Night, and I did not get the memo.

Right now you might be wondering just who the hell I am, and if I am dangerous. Well, George, I wake up feeling dangerous every day because I am a Cleveland Browns fan, and that is what we do these days — when we are not cursing our fathers for subjecting us to the curse of Cleveland sports teams.

Anyway, I am sure we will be communicating a great deal in the near future, you having my personal cell phone number, and I having your work email address. I will offer you this suggestion — get some Fireball in the bar for SHOTS! In fact, Mondays should be Fireball Mondays — $4.00 Fireball shots. Soon, we will have a large enough crowd to get a band.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: The Fifth Inning Flyby would be so much better with napalm.

Dear Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager; Salem Red Sox]:

Congratulations on your recent promotion when Mr. Shelton went chasing the big NASCAR money. I should have sent felicitations earlier, but I am a busy man making connections throughout the Carolina and California Leagues, plus we do not even know each other… yet. I hope the 2019 season has started well for your organization and that 946 in paid attendance this past Monday was an aberration. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the Roanoke Valley, and it pleases me that the minor league baseball team in the area has seen success in recent years.

I am writing you because I am fascinated by your Beer Monger promotion. I plan on ordering a Beer Monger shirt and wearing proudly throughout my California League road trips this late spring. However, the press release left me with some pressing questions. I hope you have the time to answer them.

1. Is this replacing Thirsty Thursday? While craft beer is delightful, sometimes a man just needs to pound cheap macro beer. The beer snobs can spend their evening talking about the beer they are drinking, but most of us just want to drink the beer in our hands before it becomes lukewarm.
2. What the the prices for these craft beers on Beer Monger Nights? Why I am a very financially secure individual, I fret for the common man, who has taken it in the wallet with the explosion of expensive craft beers. If Willie Joe and Bad Bart just want to throw some Bud Light down their throats while howling at the moon on a Thursday night, is it going to cost them a car payment?
3. What local beers will be featured? Will there be anything for this watching their weight? Craft beer made me fat once; I am not going back to that lifestyle. 
4. Does the Beer Monger Dude have a name yet? I would suggest something simple, but elegant like Shane or Quinn. He looks great, very non-Brandiose, who probably would have designed a guy scowling as he shouts, “This beer is not for plebeian swine!” 
5. Any chance that the Beer Monger permanently replace the Red Sox as the team nickname? Look, most of the country hates the Red Sox because their fan base treats each loss like a Greek tragedy. I do not think it is really fair to lump the fine people of Salem into that lot. The Beer Mongers are something that can be loved everywhere, well except for rehab facilities, but those people are not buying merchandise. 

I am planning on embarking on a Carolina League this July as Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]] has invited me to throw out a first pitch in Kinston this summer. As a minor league veteran, you know exactly what type of honor that is, plus Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] wants me to come check out his new digs at Segra Stadium (I am positive we will be hanging out in a luxury box because he wants to impress me). That zany Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] made me promise to come see him also to give me a bobblehead that caught my eye. 

I was not planning on coming to Salem because that is within a couple hundred miles of my parents’ house, but this Beer Monger thing could be a game changer. Unfortunately, your Thursday schedule is just not going not work with my travel itinerary, so I if I do make it, maybe we can just hang out in the Growler Club and drink some local moonshine like real minor league executives do.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Did yo know that the Woodpeckers’ new mascot was named after a guy who was referred to a “Tin Tits”?

Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:

I hope all is well with you are your organization and we zoom through the opening month. Losing a Friday night game the first weekend is about as pleasant as sitting next to a boil infested prostitute who refuses to take no for an answer. You guys seem to have weathered it just fine (see what I did there?). You were one of the few Carolina League teams whose 2019 home opener outdrew their 2018 gala affair. 

We need to have a little chat though. Remember al that praise I heaped on you for the Dodgeball bobblehead? Well, it still stands, but just what in the Judas Priest Dry Humping a Harley Seat is your Easter Sunday promotion? Peeps Plush Doll Giveaway? Is this an item that is in high demand in Delaware? Do children in Wilmington wake up on Easter morning, hoping Peter Cottontail shat a Peeps Plush Toy in their basket? 

In most part of the country, children shudder when they see real candy Peeps, knowing damn well this is some sort of awful nostalgia foisted upon them by their Generation Xers who gave up on life in their early twenties for the promise of cheap electronics. Plush Toy Peeps are bound to induce nightmares in children — “No, Mommy, no, don’t make me sleep with it. The monster under the bed is sure to come now!”  Putting a bandana on the plush toy doesn’t make it look gangster either. 

I am kind of at a loss for words here. I want to think this was, “Hey, let’s give the interns a chance so they can learn from their mistakes of their trainwreck promotion.” Maybe I am missing something here. Maybe the good people pf Wilmington will flock to the game from plush toys. After all, you guys also are doing Woodstalk 2019 with a Rocking Mr. Celery Bobblehead, which is just more of the brilliant genius I have come to expect.

Speaking of mascots, did you see the Woodpeckers introduced their mascot named Bunker? Did you know Bunker was named after a general nicknamed Tin Tits? I think that is something your social media people want to know. The ‘Peckers are a cocky bunch; perhaps they need to be brought down a peg or two. I would love to see Mr. Celery and Rocky Bluewinkle pile drive Tin Tits in a mascot throwdown, lucha libre style, but alas, it appears you do not have a Copa de la Diversion identity. Maybe you can arrange an old school WWF promotion and let the mascots have at it. Maybe a giant Peep can be Tin Tits’ partner.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: 356 paid attendance at the San Jose Giants’ game. You escaped!