Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:
I hope all is well with you are your organization and we zoom through the opening month. Losing a Friday night game the first weekend is about as pleasant as sitting next to a boil infested prostitute who refuses to take no for an answer. You guys seem to have weathered it just fine (see what I did there?). You were one of the few Carolina League teams whose 2019 home opener outdrew their 2018 gala affair.
We need to have a little chat though. Remember al that praise I heaped on you for the Dodgeball bobblehead? Well, it still stands, but just what in the Judas Priest Dry Humping a Harley Seat is your Easter Sunday promotion? Peeps Plush Doll Giveaway? Is this an item that is in high demand in Delaware? Do children in Wilmington wake up on Easter morning, hoping Peter Cottontail shat a Peeps Plush Toy in their basket?
In most part of the country, children shudder when they see real candy Peeps, knowing damn well this is some sort of awful nostalgia foisted upon them by their Generation Xers who gave up on life in their early twenties for the promise of cheap electronics. Plush Toy Peeps are bound to induce nightmares in children — “No, Mommy, no, don’t make me sleep with it. The monster under the bed is sure to come now!” Putting a bandana on the plush toy doesn’t make it look gangster either.
I am kind of at a loss for words here. I want to think this was, “Hey, let’s give the interns a chance so they can learn from their mistakes of their trainwreck promotion.” Maybe I am missing something here. Maybe the good people pf Wilmington will flock to the game from plush toys. After all, you guys also are doing Woodstalk 2019 with a Rocking Mr. Celery Bobblehead, which is just more of the brilliant genius I have come to expect.
Speaking of mascots, did you see the Woodpeckers introduced their mascot named Bunker? Did you know Bunker was named after a general nicknamed Tin Tits? I think that is something your social media people want to know. The ‘Peckers are a cocky bunch; perhaps they need to be brought down a peg or two. I would love to see Mr. Celery and Rocky Bluewinkle pile drive Tin Tits in a mascot throwdown, lucha libre style, but alas, it appears you do not have a Copa de la Diversion identity. Maybe you can arrange an old school WWF promotion and let the mascots have at it. Maybe a giant Peep can be Tin Tits’ partner.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: 356 paid attendance at the San Jose Giants’ game. You escaped!