Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
Thank you for your response. No happy hour in North Carolina? For a place that fought two wars to be free of the oppressive government yolk, this measure sure sounds Draconian. Sometimes when you fight The Man so long you become The Man. Sometimes I fear minor league baseball is moving in that direction, which is why it is so important to nurture the OUTLAW SPIRIT.
Since The Man will not let you have a Beer Batter, have a Strikeout Batter and give a dollar off nachos or Pepsi products when the guy fans. The key here is fan buy in. You want your fan base focusing their energy on the opposition’s failure. This builds camaraderie among strangers because the despair and frustration of the enemy becomes a fervent drug. Plus, the people who have vowed to not spend any more money at the concession stand are the first in line because BARGAIN. Instant gratification is key here – no fifty percent deals at chain restaurants.
Speaking of chain restaurants, it appears the Applebee’s in Kinston is now forever closed. Sure, Applebee’s is a place one goes to when the night has been filled with bad choices, but a town without Applebee’s is a town without a bedrock. Applebee’s is the last refuge before the ship tears its hull apart on the sirens’ rocks. It is a place where a minor league warrior can go to get his head right. Without an Applebee’s in town, we are all doomed to sail rudderlessly through the night that has no dawn. I bet there is still a Waffle House in town though. Did you know that in the land of Waffle House, Gus Malzahn is king?
I see the “Peckers travel to Kinston this weekend for the start of the Wood Cup. Maybe Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing] will make the trip with the team. If you see him, tell him Bads85 sends along his warmest regards and wonders how he feels about that 57% drop in attendance from Opening Night to the last game in the home stand. Perhaps he should have listened to some of my promotion ideas when he had the chance. Oh, and remind him that parking lots do not build themselves.
I am hoping your Twitter person is going to release a barrage of treats about the Wood Cup after tonight’s game. The Wood Cup should become one of North Carolina’s premier sporting rivalries, right behind Duke vs UNC. Families will define themselves by whether they are a Woodie or a ‘Pecker. Hatfields vs. the McCoys. The Capulets and the Montagues. Masseria and Maranzano. Habsburg and Valois. Puma and Adidas. Good blood feuds boost both ticket and merchandise sales. Forbidden love can blossom at Historic Grainger Stadium. It all starts tonight!
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Seize The Wood!