I Make a New Contact With the 66ers

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I recently received a text message from you one my personal cell phone reminding me of the LeBron James Reversible Jersey Giveaway Night this Saturday. I think I should inform you the last 66ers’ executive who contacted me without permission now works for the Tennessee Smokies. I do appreciate you effort to reach out to me to remind me of this, but as anyone who you work with will tell you, I have the 66ers promotional schedule tattooed to my soul. Well, Alex Groh [Assistant General Manager & Director of Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] will probably forget who I am like he always does, despite that fact we are in the Optimist Club together and members of the same country club. 

Since you have reached out to me, I have decided you will the the 66ers executive that replaces Adam Franey [former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers] as my contact guy with the front office. General Manager Joe Hudson is too busy for direct communication, and we usually communicate through telepathy anyway. Adam was the executive I shared my advice for the team with. You know those shot glasses in the team shop? They were my vision. So was the bar on first base. to be fair, that was many people’s vision. Poor Adam, working for Budweiser now. Sometimes minor league dreams just die.

So let’s talk about this season so far. You can pass my wisdom off as your own to quickly ascend the ladder of responsibility in the minors. You see, I am a giver and am not interested in my own personal advancement. I just want what is best for the fans and the organization.

The first thing I have noticed is that by examining the Monday attendance figures, full season ticket memberships are way down, maybe as much as twenty percent. This is what happens when an organization concentrates on group sales rather than catering to the Old Faithful. People feel neglected and downgrade to a half a season package. Plus people die, sometimes at an alarming rate in San Bernardino. More alarming, some purchase mini season ticket packages with the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes.

Offering season ticket holders 20% off food and beverages is a nice gesture, but that gesture is rather impotent when the discount button does not work on all the cash registers. I hope this will be rectified soon. Also, clarification on whether that 20% applies to alcohol sales would be greatly appreciated. Remember, the 20% was pitched to season ticket holders included our booze. 

On Opening Night there were beer vendors in the stands. They quickly disappeared and have not been seen since. Were they slain by angry hobos? Fired for drinking on the job? Were they on the run from the law? Most importantly, will they be replaced? Do they need to be trained? Because I can train those guys to be the best damn beer vendors in American Southwest.

Was the Cucuy Bobblehead Giveaway deemed a success or failure? It seemed that while many ticket were sold, many just collected their bobbleheads and left. That was the sparsest crowd of 3,800 I have ever seen at San Manuel Stadium, unless it was Dress Like An Empty Seat Night, and I did not get the memo.

Right now you might be wondering just who the hell I am, and if I am dangerous. Well, George, I wake up feeling dangerous every day because I am a Cleveland Browns fan, and that is what we do these days — when we are not cursing our fathers for subjecting us to the curse of Cleveland sports teams.

Anyway, I am sure we will be communicating a great deal in the near future, you having my personal cell phone number, and I having your work email address. I will offer you this suggestion — get some Fireball in the bar for SHOTS! In fact, Mondays should be Fireball Mondays — $4.00 Fireball shots. Soon, we will have a large enough crowd to get a band.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: The Fifth Inning Flyby would be so much better with napalm.

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