Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I hope you can help me as the homestand is about to open. You see, I really do not know what to wear tonight as I thought it was ab El Cucuy Night, but it just a Thirsty Thursday. I mean, Thirsty Thursdays are so wonderful, very much like unicorns but without the rainbow feces, but a regular Thirsty Thursday makes a unique wardrobe choice more difficult. Plus, it is going to be rather warm tonight, our first warm game of the year. I sure hope Bacon Hag is wearing a bra tonight as I am in no mood to witness witch nips.
Should I wear my San Bernardino Spirit throwback jersey? I normally save that for navigating large crowds at San Manuel Stadium because people treat that jersey with reverence and step the fuck out of the way. Are we expecting a good crowd tonight? Whiskey Jack is not going because he has been drinking since the river took Emmy Lou. I am bringing my hockey crew, and these guys are messy. I don’t want spillage on my Spirit jersey, but I want to look crisp tonight.
Perhaps I will wear my Down East Ducks Thirsty Thursday t-shirt. It really pops, nut I am not sure if the unwashed masses at San Manuel Stadium are ready for it. I do not want to wear any of my Zombie Apocalypse jerseys because anyone with any sort of fashion sense knows you cannot wear those until after Memorial Day.
And hats! So many tough choices. If I wear the Wood Ducks t-shirt, I should not wear the wood Ducks hat because this doubling up in April is sheer madness. I should wear a 66er hat so all my Carolina League peeps be envious, but which one? Adam [former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers] used to help me with these tough decisions, but he selling Budweiser some place north of Modesto these days. If John Steinbeck were alive today, he would write a book about it.
I eagerly await your answers,
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Mongolian Metal! Get it on the PA!