Dear Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager; Salem Red Sox]:
Congratulations on your recent promotion when Mr. Shelton went chasing the big NASCAR money. I should have sent felicitations earlier, but I am a busy man making connections throughout the Carolina and California Leagues, plus we do not even know each other… yet. I hope the 2019 season has started well for your organization and that 946 in paid attendance this past Monday was an aberration. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the Roanoke Valley, and it pleases me that the minor league baseball team in the area has seen success in recent years.
I am writing you because I am fascinated by your Beer Monger promotion. I plan on ordering a Beer Monger shirt and wearing proudly throughout my California League road trips this late spring. However, the press release left me with some pressing questions. I hope you have the time to answer them.
- Is this replacing Thirsty Thursday? While craft beer is delightful, sometimes a man just needs to pound cheap macro beer. The beer snobs can spend their evening talking about the beer they are drinking, but most of us just want to drink the beer in our hands before it becomes lukewarm.
- What the the prices for these craft beers on Beer Monger Nights? Why I am a very financially secure individual, I fret for the common man, who has taken it in the wallet with the explosion of expensive craft beers. If Willie Joe and Bad Bart just want to throw some Bud Light down their throats while howling at the moon on a Thursday night, is it going to cost them a car payment?
- What local beers will be featured? Will there be anything for this watching their weight? Craft beer made me fat once; I am not going back to that lifestyle.
- Does the Beer Monger Dude have a name yet? I would suggest something simple, but elegant like Shane or Quinn. He looks great, very non-Brandiose, who probably would have designed a guy scowling as he shouts, “This beer is not for plebeian swine!”
- Any chance that the Beer Monger permanently replace the Red Sox as the team nickname? Look, most of the country hates the Red Sox because their fan base treats each loss like a Greek tragedy. I do not think it is really fair to lump the fine people of Salem into that lot. The Beer Mongers are something that can be loved everywhere, well except for rehab facilities, but those people are not buying merchandise.
I am planning on embarking on a Carolina League this July as Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]] has invited me to throw out a first pitch in Kinston this summer. As a minor league veteran, you know exactly what type of honor that is, plus Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] wants me to come check out his new digs at Segra Stadium (I am positive we will be hanging out in a luxury box because he wants to impress me). That zany Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] made me promise to come see him also to give me a bobblehead that caught my eye.
I was not planning on coming to Salem because that is within a couple hundred miles of my parents’ house, but this Beer Monger thing could be a game changer. Unfortunately, your Thursday schedule is just not going not work with my travel itinerary, so I if I do make it, maybe we can just hang out in the Growler Club and drink some local moonshine like real minor league executives do.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Did yo know that the Woodpeckers’ new mascot was named after a guy who was referred to a “Tin Tits”?