Dead Religions

Dear Stephen Brown [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:

Imagine my dismay when I saw the Peoria Chiefs Twitter feed that said, “The Chiefs front office and box office will be closed all day Monday as we fix a water issue and we will reopen Tuesday at 9 am. Thanks for your understanding, patience and support during our recent 6-game homestead!” the Battle of the Barrel shot glass you were saving for me in your desk is gone, isn’t it? Flood waters from either the Illinois River or a broken water mane ravaged your office, carrying away that shot glass you had so diligently cared for all these months.

This is a bitter tase that will never be fully washed from my palette, but minor league road warriors have an enormous capacity to endure pain, surpassed only by their ability to love. I shall go forward because the road back is clogged with the burning flesh of the vanquished. There will be other shot glasses, and who knows, maybe one evening during my travels, I will be sitting by a fire in a rail yard with other night travelers, and someone in the group will offer a toast, and I will see by the flickering light from the flames the Battle of the Barrel shot glass in his weathered fingers, and bartering will commence. More than likely though, I will walk the dark and dusty highway all alone, forever without the shot glass.

I hope the promotion went well. Is 3,725 a good draw for a Saturday night giveaway? I imagine with the river rising, it is indeed. Look at those poor, poor folk in the Quad Cities (East Moline can go to hell). Jacqueline Holm has yet to have a home game in her tenure as general manager because a rising river answers to no one. Thank the baseball gods I turned down that position of assistant general manager. I am not the type of guy who can be contained on an island. I mean, they made a big mistake sending me to jail. They made a bigger one setting me free, and I am not going back.

Hey, here is a weird question. Have you ever runs across a group of people who hate their washing machine? I just did, and I cannot figure out what makes these people tick. Do they have trouble sleeping as they seethe about the inanimate object in their laundry room? Do they fantasize putting the washing machine on a dolly and dumping it in the pool? Do they have some weird laundromat fetish left over from their college years? Are they upset their clothes are wet when they are done?

We live in strange times.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Do you think Jason Mott [General Manager; Peoria Chiefs might have a couple extra shot glasses put away somewhere? How comfortable are you going in his office to look?

Dear Jerry McDonald [Yellow Crayon Graphic Design]:

It greatly pleases me that you have chosen to embrace the endeavor of creating the “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” t-shirts. Finally, the city of Fayetteville will receive the shirt and anthem it rightfully deserves. People from all over Cumberland County will be able to wear these shirts with an amour de soi usually not found in an area with such pedestrian median property values.

While I completely respect your creative freedom, I hope I will not too bold in offering some suggestions as I have traveled across this land to many a minor league park and am confident I have my finger on the pulse of the Carolina League fan. To be blunt, we need a bad ass red-cockaded woodpecker, but not some faux hard caricature of a bird with the grimace that one only gets when one is passing a kidney stone. The minor leagues have enough of that thanks to Jason and Casey and Brandiose Branding. We need our ‘Pecker to be hard, but true, not some steroid injected bird with bulk. We should attempt to capture the sleekness of a ‘pecker in its natural state, and maybe since Fayetteville is a military town, arm the little dude with an M-60 machine gun. I will leave that little detail to your discretion.

The bat is very important also as the wood must be elegant and true. It probably should glisten as if it has been polished with great care. It should not be something crass like Robert DeNiro used in The Untouchables, but something magnificent like King Arthur were used if he decided that some of the knights around his Round Table needed a bit of head thumping, especially that Sir Gawain guy.

Anyway, I am sure we will confer more in the immediate future, but there is a burrito calling me right about now, and it is getting impatient.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Nice ten game winning streak the Woodies are on right now. However, you and I both know that winning streaks do not usually translate into significant increases in ticket sales in the minor leagues unless you promote the hell out of the streak. Still, it is much more fun to drive to work when the team is winning rather than losing, especially when you take six games in a week from the ‘Peckers. Saturday evening, the Woodies/‘Peckers game was on MiLB.tv at my backyard bar because you know, The Wood Cup. We did not make it through the two hour plus rain delay because our patience has limits.

The schedule gods have been a bit kind and have offered you a bit of time to pound social media before your next home game in a couple of days. Since Tuesdays are Buy One Ticket, Get One Free with a Food Lion card, you might want to send DEWD and Alexa Kay [Director of Marketing] out to the Food Lions in town to promote the team (Alexa is very good BTW; she will probably not be with you long after this season). Maybe between the Food Lions, they can meet Mayor Dontario Hardy for a photo shoot that gets splashed over the local fish rags, and you have a flash crowd swarming your tickets booths Tuesday night.

The Wood Ducks twitter feed is strangely silent today though, indicating the staff threw down copious amounts of booze last night, celebrating the commanding 6-0 lead in the Wood Cup. Or maybe they had a bit too much pork at the BBQ Fest on the Neuse. Or maybe they are scouring the office, looking for my return package that never has arrived. Whatever the case, I am sure by mid-afternoon, DEWD will be cruising the mean streets of Kinston, looking to spread the Woodies’ message of love and hope in these troubled times.

My plate is pretty full these week as I have reached out to a local graphic design company in Fayetteville to create “Fear The Wood! Respect the Pecker!” t-shirts for the masses. Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] is preoccupied putting out fires from disgruntled fans who are upset about concessions, rainout ticket exchanges, and parking prices. I am sure our design will be exquisite, and Austin will be relieved when zealous fans start arriving at Segra Stadium with t-shirts containing our vision, and he will not have to argue with his bosses about whether people will buy the shirts or not.

The 66ers travel to the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes early in the week, so I will gird my loins and lead my merry band of minions into LoanMart Field to remind their fan base who truly are the best looking fans in the Inland Empire. It is not always easy being beautiful, but sometimes it comes with perks. Hopefully, Professional Sports Catering will have its act together, and the beer lines will be manageable. If not, well, the Sword of Retribution will be unsheathed.

Gotta run; that t-shirt is not going to design itself, even with the help of Yellow Crayons Graphic Design.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Starbucks in Game of Thrones! Not an accident; just product placement genius!

Dear Jerry McDonald {Yellow Crayons Graphic Designs Shop; Fayetteville, NC]:

I recently come across your genius Peckerville shirts, and I must say it warms certain chambers of my heart that I long thought were dead to see others who share a similar vision as I do. Peckerville is more than a place; it is state of mind (you should put that on a t-shirt). For the longest time (all the way back to December 2018), I have been trying to get Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] to fully embrace the ‘Pecker aspect of the team name. He seems to have his hands tied by upper management though, who seem hellbent to link the Wood to the Pecker, which is rather redundant. 

More importantly, no one fears or respects a wood pecker. At best they are something that transfixes little children for about sixteen seconds. At worst they are the annoying, stupid creatures that wake me up in the morning after a hard night of drinking as they scourge for beetles in the palm trees in my backyard. I cannot very well blast the little fuckers to hell because of the archaic gun laws in this Southern California town. However, people certainly are capable of fearing the wood or respecting the pecker. 

I bet you are hearing cash registers ringing in your head right now as something just clicked in your mind. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” will sell an Armenian army worth of shirts. Imagine a baseball bat on the front of the t-shirt under “Fear the Wood!” while on the back, a woodpecker image underneath “Respect the Pecker!” Yeah, that is marketing genius right there, and I am giving it to you for free from 2,169.39 miles away. Why? Because I am a giver, a minor league road warrior forever searching for kindred souls. Plus, I want to fill Segra Stadium with these shirts and chants because it would make the world a much better place. 

I see you have received a bit of a backlash from certain close minded individuals over the Peckerville shirts. You should print “Thou Protest too Much! We are talking about a bird! Remove the filth from your mind!” on certain Peckerville t-shits. Puritanism has no place in Peckerville, or the Carolina League for that matter, which is already filled with more than its share of passive aggressive phallic symbols. 

You could probably expand outside of Peckerville into other Carolina League markets. I am pretty tight with certain Carolina League executives and could put in a good word fro you. Wade Howell [Vice President, Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston this summer to throw out a first pitch. Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager, Salem Beer Mongers] has pretty much green lighted me to create an identity and backstory for their new Beer Monger Dude, and Jason Estes {Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] is holding a bobble head for me. 

Anyway, if you are not interested in making a mint off “Fear the Wood! Respect the Wood!” because you have to live in that town and are concerned about torch warriors marching on your place of business, I understand. However, I would still be interested in having a few of these shirts designed and printed. I wear a XXL because of the broad shoulders I was borne with so I can carry the weight of this world on my shoulders. I look very good in red, especially with black trim and lettering. 

I look forward to working with you to design the consummate “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker” shirt. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Stephen Brown [Director of Marketing & Game Presentation; Peoria Chiefs]:

Hello, old friend! It has been a while since we communicated because my heart has been in the California League while my mind has been in the Carolina League, but our big day is rapidly approaching. Tomorrow is the Battle of the Barrel at the famed Dozer Park, and that is the day of the shot glass giveaway. I really wish I could be there, but I am grilling meat in California this weekend, so I cannot make it to Peoria this weekend.

I hope that one of those shot glasses somehow found it to your desk, and you are holding it for your buddy and fellow Hoosier Bads85. If THE MAN will not allow you to do that, I understand because the Midwest League is a place of law and order unlike the outlaws of the west. I see you are only giving away 1000 shot glasses tomorrow, which seems sort of low, but then again, kids cannot receive them because of more RULES RULES RULES. Also, your organization has only been averaging 1,633 a game this year, which sounds like the weather in April was very cruel, so maybe the number is not too low. The weather forecast for Peoria Saturday night looks very chilly, but the Battle of the Barrel should warm the souls of the downtrodden coming to the game. Still, if you have any extras, Bads85 is your long distance buddy.

Hey, I see you have a Portillo’s in Peoria. For many years, my Cactus League crew went to those in Phoenix because pasty Cubs’ fans raved about it on the internet. It is good and all, but my buddy Harold and I jointly confessed that is was greatly overrated, and there are much better places to eat while at the Cactus League. Since you grew up in a state where people know how to properly grill meat, what are your thoughts on Portillo’s? I would almost rather go to Applebee’s instead, but that would be a sign of giving up.

Are the Peoria Distillers jerseys going to be on sale for the public? I know the hats are, and I know you did not design them because they look like Purdue Boilermaker hats. That place still has not returned my housing deposit. The jerseys are sharp though, and I would have no qualms forking down some bucks to possess one because I am a slave to minor league baseball fashion.

Here is to some fine weather this weekend!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Keven Mahoney [General Manager; Brooklyn Cyclones]:

Your immediate and deafening silence following my initial inquiry into your Uncle Rico Bobblehead Night is an interesting gambit. Normally when I get blown off by a short season, NY Penn League team, I just move on since the lowest rung on the minors really is not worth fretting over, especially since I am a grizzled veteran of the Northwest and Pioneer Leagues (I once sipped bourbon in the office of Gary Roller [General Manager; Billings Mustangs] at 10:30 AM on game day, although I am not sure that was Gary who was drinking with me). However, I really want that Uncle Rico Bobblehead, so I am willing to continue negotiations.

Let me counter your stroke of silence with a parry of my own: noise. Since I am definitely coming to your park this summer, I have every intention of finding you and introducing you to my teenage children and allowing you to participate in the vibrant debates that erupt across my dinner table these days, such as if the band AJR only writes songs about the problems of the white privileged, or if having to read John Steinbeck on the weekend is child abuse. At some point, my son will probably berate your generation for not accepting the genius of the dark symbolism of Ronnie James Dio. This is what I live with, and it could be my gift to you. They have not stopped talking since the pacifiers came out of their mouths.

You could avoid this by making some sort of trade for the Uncle Rico Bobblehead. I could donate to your favorite charity, or I could offer you something charmingly Southern Californian, like a Tim Salmon Inland Empire 66ers Bobblehead, which is a collector’s item even though Salmon never played for the 66ers. I would even sweeten the deal by throwing in an Adrian Beltre San Bernardino Stampede Bobblehead. Maybe even a Matt Shoemaker Bobblehead – the one where his arm has not fallen off yet. Or maybe you would be interested in a Down East Wood Ducks hat. Or a California Burrito.Or some Hangar 24 Orange Wheat.

I know you short season guys are still spending most of your work days on the golf course since your season does not begin for about six weeks, but for the rest of us, LIVES ARE IN THE BALANCE. I need to secure that bobblehead, my good man, as it will be a viable part of the oral tradition of the 2019 season.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Do your concession stands sell ribs?

Dear Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers]:

The historic day is finally here as the Beer Monger Dude rises to take his place on the pantheon of all time great minor league figures. The fact that he remains unnamed only adds to his mystique at this point in his ascension, but a few weeks down the road, it is going to be rather awkward if he does not have a name. People will start referring to him as, “DMD” or “Lumpy”. I am sure your best minds are on this, but if they need any help, I have some time this week to offer my services because the Inland Empire 66ers are on the road.

Congratulations on a very successful Education Day yesterday – 4,200+ in attendance. In comparison, the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes only drew 1,873 to their Education Day this week, despite being in a large metropolitan area. This is what happens when on organization schedules an Education Day right in the middle of the state testing window. If only they had reached out to local schools to inquire about these simple details rather than insulate themselves in their aura of self importance. Obviously, they spent too much time worshiping under their little 2018 California League of the Year plaque.

But enough with the negative on such a glorious day. Tonight ushers in a new era at Haley Toyota Field at Salem Memorial Ballpark. I broke down and purchased a Beer Monger shirt just now for the occasion. Obviously it will not be here by tonight’s Thirsty Thursday at the 66ers, but I plan on wearing it in Europe this summer when I am in the Alps. I am sure the Swiss will adore it, especially if I yodel.

Hey, are you bringing Beer Monger Dude to life in mascot form, or is he just going to be a two dimensional logo on merchandise? I know mascot costumes are really expensive because of the society we live in these days, but perhaps the local breweries can do the right and spring for the costume. Think of the revenues from renting out the Beer Monger Dude to parties! Every major social event in Roanoke will desire a Beer Monger Dude appearance. Or maybe putting the Beer Monger Dude in a mascot costume cheapens him. Perhaps the legend deserves better.

Break a keg tonight!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: What is the best rib joint in Roanoke?

Dear Keven Mahoney [General Manager; Brooklyn Cyclones]:

I recently saw an advertisement for your Uncle Rico Bobblehead Giveaway on July 24th, and I was extremely impressed. A minor league lifer like myself who has been down many a road to the subtle symphony before THE SHOW rarely has his head turned the days, especially over a bobblehead, but I must give your organization a hat tip. I would venture it is the second best bobblehead for the 2019 season, behind only the all time classic Whit Goodman Dodgeball Bobblehead being given away by the Wilmington Blue Stones. I hope you pass the proper accolades along to whatever underling came up with this bit of brilliance.

I am writing you because my minor league travels will take me to a Cyclones’ game this July, but not on the date of this glorious bobblehead giveaway. I should be at your fine park for the Grateful Dead night earlier in the month, and by time Uncle Rico is being distributed, I shall be far west of Cooperstown, probably in Iowa. I was wondering if it was possible that a man of your stature could hold an Uncle Rico for me as a favor from one minor league warrior to another. 

I understand that most organizations require ticket holders to be present at the giveaway, but both of us did not get to our station in life with serious negotiation skills, so I am confident we can work something out, sort of like Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Stones] and I did with the Whit Goodman doll. I promise you I will allow you to keep your soul — well, almost all of it it anyway. I might keep the tiniest of pieces as a keepsake.

I will be coming to Brooklyn from my Carolina League barnstorming tour, which is scheduled to include sipping some well aged scotch in a luxury box in the brand new Segra Stadium with Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and slamming some local beers with Allen Lawrence [Vice President/General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers]. Oh, I almost forgot, I will be throwing out a first pitch for the Down East Wood Ducks, then getting a bit silly with Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] since I am the president of the Southern California Wood Ducks’ fan club, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. 

As you have probably deduced, I am sort of a thing on the full season circuit. I am the unofficial assistant to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] — unofficial because contract negotiations have continued well into the 2019 season because the Elmore Sports Mafia will not pay me fair wages for my talents. Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits] designated me as an official candidate for her assistant GM position, but I refused to relocate to Davenport because it floods all the time. I am also George Bateman [Tickets Operation Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]’s mentor and Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]’s arch nemesis.

I do have some questions about MCU Park, and I trust that your consummate professionalism will ensure you respond candidly. 

1. Since your website is a bit of a mess, it is hard to ascertain if this stadium has ample beer gardens that in where one can consume a variety of beers while watching game. How ample are your beer gardens, Kevin?
2. Is hard liquor served? If not, can you and I retire to your office for a bit and slam some Cement Mixers like real minor league executives do?
3. Is Aramark still in charge of your concessions? If so, do you have any stands that are not run by those Alpo peddlers?
4. Do you have Brooklyn Dodger gear for sale? I live in the shadow of Dodger Stadium (metaphorically of course; that neighborhood is sketchy).
5. Why the 4 PM start on July 6th? Is there a surprise concert after the game? I will not tell anyone.

Thank you for your concern in these matters. I know a man in your position in the NY Penn League does not usually deal with bobblehead requests, but this is rather important, so I thought I would go straight to the top of the chain of command to get things secured.

Your friend in baseball,

Bad85

PS: Was it Casey Jones or Casey at the Bat who died out of pride and got famous for that?

Dear George Bateman [Tickets Operation Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

MILB.TV is allowing me to see another insanely large crowd at San Manuel Stadium this Monday evening. Why, there might be 300 people in the park tonight, which would be a swell night for the Dunedin Blue Jays, but a revenue killer in the California League. The only people in the park now are those searching for absolution, and you and I both know there is none of that in the California League, at least until Thirsty Thursday, and all the absolving that night is just an illusion as we give our souls away again by the seventh inning stretch.

Obviously, a new Monday promotion is needed. Let me throw you this bone since I am a giver: Red Meat Monday. Start grilling steaks in the outdoor barbecues and sell them for a well below restaurant price, and start drawing some people through the gates. You know what complements steaks very well? Manhattans. Put that new liquor license to work, and allow people to sip whiskey and chew steak, and suddenly you are going to have a regular crowd that will probably last well past season’s end, especially if GM Joe upgrades the televisions.

I do have a few questions for you:

1. When is the last time Bernie’s costume has been to the dry cleaners? He is developing a hobo look, and while hobos are almost the official flightless fowls of San Bernardino, it really isn’t a look you want the bad ass of the Cal League to have.
2. Any change we can get the pitch counts on the big scoreboard? Whiskey Jack incessantly complains about it every game, and negative energy brings me down.
3. Do you guys run security checks on your employees? There are a couple of people working for your organization that probably are not allowed to vote legally in most states.
4. When are 2019 California All Star Game shirts going on sale? Will the polos make me look thin?
5. Can you use your growing influence in the organization to shitcan Domino’s from the stadium? I do not even order that wet, tomato paste cardboard when it is cheap, let alone pay stadium prices for it. Let’s get some good ‘za in there. Or at least serve booze there so I do not have to wait in line since no one goes to the Domino’s stand.
6. Did Aris [Former Promotions Coordinator and On-Field Host; Inland Empire 66ers] steal the Knockerball equipment when he left for Knoxville? Games without Knockerball are almost as listless as war without artillery barrages.
7. Have you been training for the Beer Mile? I know you are in shape, but the Beer Mile is a much different beast than you will find in the gym as it is a creature of the WILD.
8. Have you seen Frank? We lost him at a Cactus League game, and he has not turned up since.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Hashbrowns! Not just a breakfast staple anymore!

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I hope you have been well. I have not written in a while because I knew you were busy with the opening of Segra Stadium. I must say, the pictures of the new place are simply smashing, much nicer than that new stadium in Amarillo, Texas. The scoreboard appears to be an ample size, and you know what they say about minor league executives with ample scoreboards. Now that you have had a bit of break between games, I figured I would send you a missive. Hopefully you are recovering for the wildness of at the Dogwood Festival this past weekend.

As you know, the Wood Cup started last Friday, and not only that is beautiful trophy on the line, but first place is also up for grabs as the Woodies and ‘Peckers sit atop of the standings. Well, both teams were in first until the initial series was played this weekend, and the Woodies swept the ‘Peckers. I am sure that your ball club will perform much better as the Wood Cup comes to Segra Stadium for the first time this upcoming weekend. I am sure the stadium will be packed, unlike in Kinston. I really wish I could be there, but I have previous commitments, and you know I am a man who honors those.

I do have some wonderful news though. I will definitely be attending a Woodpeckers’ game this summer in the July 11-13^th frame. I do not have the exact date yet because I am throwing out the first pitch on of those nights in Kinston, and Nick and I have not firmed up the logistics on that weekend, but I will be in town, and hopefully we will have the chance to meet and exchange stories from the road. I also plan on meeting minor league executives in Salem, Wilmington, and Asheville this trip because I am what I would call in demand these days.

I do hope your organization market The Wood Cup a little better than Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] did the past weekend. The Battle for the Wood had the potential to be the biggest sporting rivalry in North Carolina right behind the UNC/Duke basketball thingy. Your organizations should market it as such, calling it the best baseball rivalry in North Carolina, kind of like the Woodpeckers do when they say their fireworks shows are the best in the area.

Every good rivalry plays for a trophy, so someone needs to get on that. Don’t let anyone from the Winston-Salem Dash design it, or it will be something so phallic that pornstars will cringe. The trophy should remain very polished at all times and have a simple but poignant name, say like The Knob. Everyone likes a well-polished knob, Austin. “Hey, Wade, want to go down to Mother Earth Brewery and throw a couple back?” “Sure, but let me polish The Knob first.”

I must say, I really like the Black Ops promotion this Saturday. Will those Black Ops uniforms be on sale to the public? Because I think I am going to really like one, unless if turned out really goofy like the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs Upside Down jerseys. Oy vey, were those hideous.

Anyway, I need to contact the Inland Empire 66ers about a horse. As always, “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!”

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85