Dear Keven Mahoney [General Manager; Brooklyn Cyclones]:
I recently saw an advertisement for your Uncle Rico Bobblehead Giveaway on July 24th, and I was extremely impressed. A minor league lifer like myself who has been down many a road to the subtle symphony before THE SHOW rarely has his head turned the days, especially over a bobblehead, but I must give your organization a hat tip. I would venture it is the second best bobblehead for the 2019 season, behind only the all time classic Whit Goodman Dodgeball Bobblehead being given away by the Wilmington Blue Stones. I hope you pass the proper accolades along to whatever underling came up with this bit of brilliance.
I am writing you because my minor league travels will take me to a Cyclones’ game this July, but not on the date of this glorious bobblehead giveaway. I should be at your fine park for the Grateful Dead night earlier in the month, and by time Uncle Rico is being distributed, I shall be far west of Cooperstown, probably in Iowa. I was wondering if it was possible that a man of your stature could hold an Uncle Rico for me as a favor from one minor league warrior to another.
I understand that most organizations require ticket holders to be present at the giveaway, but both of us did not get to our station in life with serious negotiation skills, so I am confident we can work something out, sort of like Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Stones] and I did with the Whit Goodman doll. I promise you I will allow you to keep your soul — well, almost all of it it anyway. I might keep the tiniest of pieces as a keepsake.
I will be coming to Brooklyn from my Carolina League barnstorming tour, which is scheduled to include sipping some well aged scotch in a luxury box in the brand new Segra Stadium with Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and slamming some local beers with Allen Lawrence [Vice President/General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers]. Oh, I almost forgot, I will be throwing out a first pitch for the Down East Wood Ducks, then getting a bit silly with Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] since I am the president of the Southern California Wood Ducks’ fan club, Sons of Vengeance Chapter.
As you have probably deduced, I am sort of a thing on the full season circuit. I am the unofficial assistant to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] — unofficial because contract negotiations have continued well into the 2019 season because the Elmore Sports Mafia will not pay me fair wages for my talents. Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits] designated me as an official candidate for her assistant GM position, but I refused to relocate to Davenport because it floods all the time. I am also George Bateman [Tickets Operation Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]’s mentor and Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]’s arch nemesis.
I do have some questions about MCU Park, and I trust that your consummate professionalism will ensure you respond candidly.
- Since your website is a bit of a mess, it is hard to ascertain if this stadium has ample beer gardens that in where one can consume a variety of beers while watching game. How ample are your beer gardens, Kevin?
- Is hard liquor served? If not, can you and I retire to your office for a bit and slam some Cement Mixers like real minor league executives do?
- Is Aramark still in charge of your concessions? If so, do you have any stands that are not run by those Alpo peddlers?
- Do you have Brooklyn Dodger gear for sale? I live in the shadow of Dodger Stadium (metaphorically of course; that neighborhood is sketchy).
- Why the 4 PM start on July 6th? Is there a surprise concert after the game? I will not tell anyone.
Thank you for your concern in these matters. I know a man in your position in the NY Penn League does not usually deal with bobblehead requests, but this is rather important, so I thought I would go straight to the top of the chain of command to get things secured.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Was it Casey Jones or Casey at the Bat who died out of pride and got famous for that?