Uncle Rico!

Dear Keven Mahoney [General Manager; Brooklyn Cyclones]:

I recently saw an advertisement for your Uncle Rico Bobblehead Giveaway on July 24th, and I was extremely impressed. A minor league lifer like myself who has been down many a road to the subtle symphony before THE SHOW rarely has his head turned the days, especially over a bobblehead, but I must give your organization a hat tip. I would venture it is the second best bobblehead for the 2019 season, behind only the all time classic Whit Goodman Dodgeball Bobblehead being given away by the Wilmington Blue Stones. I hope you pass the proper accolades along to whatever underling came up with this bit of brilliance.

I am writing you because my minor league travels will take me to a Cyclones’ game this July, but not on the date of this glorious bobblehead giveaway. I should be at your fine park for the Grateful Dead night earlier in the month, and by time Uncle Rico is being distributed, I shall be far west of Cooperstown, probably in Iowa. I was wondering if it was possible that a man of your stature could hold an Uncle Rico for me as a favor from one minor league warrior to another. 

I understand that most organizations require ticket holders to be present at the giveaway, but both of us did not get to our station in life with serious negotiation skills, so I am confident we can work something out, sort of like Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Stones] and I did with the Whit Goodman doll. I promise you I will allow you to keep your soul — well, almost all of it it anyway. I might keep the tiniest of pieces as a keepsake.

I will be coming to Brooklyn from my Carolina League barnstorming tour, which is scheduled to include sipping some well aged scotch in a luxury box in the brand new Segra Stadium with Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and slamming some local beers with Allen Lawrence [Vice President/General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers]. Oh, I almost forgot, I will be throwing out a first pitch for the Down East Wood Ducks, then getting a bit silly with Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] since I am the president of the Southern California Wood Ducks’ fan club, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. 

As you have probably deduced, I am sort of a thing on the full season circuit. I am the unofficial assistant to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] — unofficial because contract negotiations have continued well into the 2019 season because the Elmore Sports Mafia will not pay me fair wages for my talents. Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits] designated me as an official candidate for her assistant GM position, but I refused to relocate to Davenport because it floods all the time. I am also George Bateman [Tickets Operation Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]’s mentor and Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]’s arch nemesis.

I do have some questions about MCU Park, and I trust that your consummate professionalism will ensure you respond candidly. 

1. Since your website is a bit of a mess, it is hard to ascertain if this stadium has ample beer gardens that in where one can consume a variety of beers while watching game. How ample are your beer gardens, Kevin?
2. Is hard liquor served? If not, can you and I retire to your office for a bit and slam some Cement Mixers like real minor league executives do?
3. Is Aramark still in charge of your concessions? If so, do you have any stands that are not run by those Alpo peddlers?
4. Do you have Brooklyn Dodger gear for sale? I live in the shadow of Dodger Stadium (metaphorically of course; that neighborhood is sketchy).
5. Why the 4 PM start on July 6th? Is there a surprise concert after the game? I will not tell anyone.

Thank you for your concern in these matters. I know a man in your position in the NY Penn League does not usually deal with bobblehead requests, but this is rather important, so I thought I would go straight to the top of the chain of command to get things secured.

Your friend in baseball,

Bad85

PS: Was it Casey Jones or Casey at the Bat who died out of pride and got famous for that?