I Branch Out to Graphic Design

Dear Jerry McDonald {Yellow Crayons Graphic Designs Shop; Fayetteville, NC]:

I recently come across your genius Peckerville shirts, and I must say it warms certain chambers of my heart that I long thought were dead to see others who share a similar vision as I do. Peckerville is more than a place; it is state of mind (you should put that on a t-shirt). For the longest time (all the way back to December 2018), I have been trying to get Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] to fully embrace the ‘Pecker aspect of the team name. He seems to have his hands tied by upper management though, who seem hellbent to link the Wood to the Pecker, which is rather redundant. 

More importantly, no one fears or respects a wood pecker. At best they are something that transfixes little children for about sixteen seconds. At worst they are the annoying, stupid creatures that wake me up in the morning after a hard night of drinking as they scourge for beetles in the palm trees in my backyard. I cannot very well blast the little fuckers to hell because of the archaic gun laws in this Southern California town. However, people certainly are capable of fearing the wood or respecting the pecker. 

I bet you are hearing cash registers ringing in your head right now as something just clicked in your mind. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” will sell an Armenian army worth of shirts. Imagine a baseball bat on the front of the t-shirt under “Fear the Wood!” while on the back, a woodpecker image underneath “Respect the Pecker!” Yeah, that is marketing genius right there, and I am giving it to you for free from 2,169.39 miles away. Why? Because I am a giver, a minor league road warrior forever searching for kindred souls. Plus, I want to fill Segra Stadium with these shirts and chants because it would make the world a much better place. 

I see you have received a bit of a backlash from certain close minded individuals over the Peckerville shirts. You should print “Thou Protest too Much! We are talking about a bird! Remove the filth from your mind!” on certain Peckerville t-shits. Puritanism has no place in Peckerville, or the Carolina League for that matter, which is already filled with more than its share of passive aggressive phallic symbols. 

You could probably expand outside of Peckerville into other Carolina League markets. I am pretty tight with certain Carolina League executives and could put in a good word fro you. Wade Howell [Vice President, Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston this summer to throw out a first pitch. Allen Lawrence [Interim General Manager, Salem Beer Mongers] has pretty much green lighted me to create an identity and backstory for their new Beer Monger Dude, and Jason Estes {Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] is holding a bobble head for me. 

Anyway, if you are not interested in making a mint off “Fear the Wood! Respect the Wood!” because you have to live in that town and are concerned about torch warriors marching on your place of business, I understand. However, I would still be interested in having a few of these shirts designed and printed. I wear a XXL because of the broad shoulders I was borne with so I can carry the weight of this world on my shoulders. I look very good in red, especially with black trim and lettering. 

I look forward to working with you to design the consummate “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker” shirt. 

Your friend in baseball,


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