Dear George Bateman [Tickets Operation Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:
MILB.TV is allowing me to see another insanely large crowd at San Manuel Stadium this Monday evening. Why, there might be 300 people in the park tonight, which would be a swell night for the Dunedin Blue Jays, but a revenue killer in the California League. The only people in the park now are those searching for absolution, and you and I both know there is none of that in the California League, at least until Thirsty Thursday, and all the absolving that night is just an illusion as we give our souls away again by the seventh inning stretch.
Obviously, a new Monday promotion is needed. Let me throw you this bone since I am a giver: Red Meat Monday. Start grilling steaks in the outdoor barbecues and sell them for a well below restaurant price, and start drawing some people through the gates. You know what complements steaks very well? Manhattans. Put that new liquor license to work, and allow people to sip whiskey and chew steak, and suddenly you are going to have a regular crowd that will probably last well past season’s end, especially if GM Joe upgrades the televisions.
I do have a few questions for you:
- When is the last time Bernie’s costume has been to the dry cleaners? He is developing a hobo look, and while hobos are almost the official flightless fowls of San Bernardino, it really isn’t a look you want the bad ass of the Cal League to have.
- Any change we can get the pitch counts on the big scoreboard? Whiskey Jack incessantly complains about it every game, and negative energy brings me down.
- Do you guys run security checks on your employees? There are a couple of people working for your organization that probably are not allowed to vote legally in most states.
- When are 2019 California All Star Game shirts going on sale? Will the polos make me look thin?
- Can you use your growing influence in the organization to shitcan Domino’s from the stadium? I do not even order that wet, tomato paste cardboard when it is cheap, let alone pay stadium prices for it. Let’s get some good ‘za in there. Or at least serve booze there so I do not have to wait in line since no one goes to the Domino’s stand.
- Did Aris [Former Promotions Coordinator and On-Field Host; Inland Empire 66ers] steal the Knockerball equipment when he left for Knoxville? Games without Knockerball are almost as listless as war without artillery barrages.
- Have you been training for the Beer Mile? I know you are in shape, but the Beer Mile is a much different beast than you will find in the gym as it is a creature of the WILD.
- Have you seen Frank? We lost him at a Cactus League game, and he has not turned up since.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Hashbrowns! Not just a breakfast staple anymore!