Dead Religions

Dear Woodpeckers@astros.com:

Congratulations on opening Segra Stadium in a successful fashion. I plan on making my first visit to your new place on Friday, July 12^th as part of my Carolina League tour. I will be coming from Kinston where I will have thrown out the first pitch for the Wood Ducks the night before upon their Vice President’s request. Who am I to turn down a man like Wade Howell? I am inquiring if it is possible to throw out a first pitch on the Woodpecker’s game I am attending because I will be arriving with a rather large throng of distinguished minor league fans who would love to have an excuse to roar. There is even a rumor that Mayor Mitch Colvin will be attending.

I realize that this is going to be a busy night for your organization since it is a fireworks night (I hear you have the best fireworks in the area), plus it is Vintage Uniform Night. Perhaps many others have requested to throw out the first pitch on this night also, but I see no reason why we cannot have multiple first pitches on this special night, especially since my crew plans on spending a metric ton in the team shop, and probably double that in Healy’s. Since I am rather well known in minor league circles, I will even allow you to use my likeness to promote the game because I am a giver.

I could also make a donation to the Woodpecker’s favorite charity to ensure I get to throw out a first pitch. Please do not think of this as a bribe, but a relocation of funds to ensure that those most in need get assistance. I am sure it will be a wonder photo opportunity to will promote the Woodpeckers all across social media. Let’s be brutally frank for a moment. This July, there will be two type of Carolina League teams: those who have me throwing out a first pitch and those who do not. It would be quite the feather in the Woodpecker’s bonnet to have a someone like myself throwing out the first pitch.

I look forward to your response. If I am not chosen, it will not damper my enthusiasm for attending a game at your stadium. Well, maybe it would a little – perhaps even a great deal. However, it is not like I am going to go to Zebulon as they are on the road that weekend. I am resilient though, so any disappointment will dissipate by my fourth cocktail at Healy’s.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Thank you for the invitation to join you at Healy’s tonight for beers. Unfortunately, my busy travel schedule does not allow me to be in Fayetteville tonight. I am off to the Old World on Sunday, and I really do not know what to wear, although I will have my ‘Pecker hat. I am also trying to squeeze in a Vegas run this Friday to make it to the new baseball stadium there, but I am not sure how happy the wife is going to be about that. Fear not though, I will still be at Segra Stadium July 12^th.

What time does the team shop open on game day? I am probably going to be rolling in a with a crew that has piles of cash to spend, but they are not going to want to wait in lines likes peasants. Yes, Austin, I will be bringing serious revenue to the park because that is just what I do. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] was caught openly weeping because I will not be around San Manuel Stadium for about six weeks.

Some of these guys are going to be coming down all the way from DC; maybe even farther as this could be the social event of the season. Some of them live right in your backyard. Most of them are VIP types, so you might want to invite Mayor Mitch to the game so we can down some Alabama Slammers. We were thinking about having a NC style barbeque at the Cape Fear Botanical Gardens, but thought the locals might frown upon that. Any suggestions close to Segra Stadium? Nick really want to char some meat. One of my guys has one of those Chinese barbecue boxes where you can cook a pig.

I am assuming security will be more than adequate for this game. Bu time I roll into Fayetteville, I am certain that the crowd of groupies following me will have grown exponentially, and I would hate to see a repeat of what went down in Erie, PA back in in 2004. By all means allow these people in the stadium, but keep them away from the luxury boxes and the handicap restroom stalls.

I have to run. Somebody gave me a tip on how to be selected to throw out a first pitch at Segra Stadium.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Good day, Sir! The triumphant march to the playoffs is nearing its end. The magic number for the first half clinching is four ass I write this missive. It was not that long ago you sent me that first Woodies’ hat, and if one were to believe in cosmic aligning, one would say that gesture of good faith motivated the baseball gods to release a shower of good will on the playing fortunes of the team you represent. However, we both know that cosmic aligning is the type of nonsense that is told to interns so they will work for cheap.

While the Woodies were pounding the opposition into submission this past weekend, I was wearing the DEWD hat deep into The Heartland as I was at The Memorial Tournament in Dublin, Ohio. Yes, Tiger Woods looked straight into the Woodies’ logo coming off the seventh green on Saturday and was promptly inspired to introduce himself to as many Perkins’ waitresses as he could after the round.

I realize it has been a while since I have sent you a proper missive, but I have had many irons in the fire. I assure you the Wood Ducks’ hat has been with me to all the important places. I even wore the Woodies’ jersey when I was a Celebrity Judge for the Best California Burrito in the Inland Empire at a 66ers’ game last weekend. Many experts called that night the best minor league promotion of the season, and they did not even stick around for the Beer Mile after the game, which I completed wearing the Woodies’ jersey. Pics and video were sent to your organization’s Twitter account. At the risk of sound immodest, I look fabulous in these shots.

My teenage children new curious to know if I am going to have walk up music when I throw out my first pitch at Historic Grainger Stadium. I personally think this is a but much, but my children are mortified at the prospect that I am going to embarrass them. I would not even know what song to choose. Whatever I choose, it will be loud and bring the crowd to their feet.

Since I am kind of a big deal in minor league circles these days, the Wood Ducks (your organization) have my full permission to market the hell out of my appearance. You can put my likeness all over social media, promoting an appearance from the outlaw from the Old West who re-invented Thirsty Thursday. I can send you all sorts of current headshots because I am a giver.

I just checked your promotions schedule (I do not have it tattooed to my soul yet) and realized this is Collard Greens weekend. I am quite tempted to hop on airplane to make it there this weekend, but I am leaving for Europe on Sunday, and my wife would frown upon a wild adventure that close to the trip. However, the DEWD hat will be under the Eiffel Tower on Monday, and I am sure the Parisians will embrace him with their hearts and minds. I bet the tattoo parlors in Kinston will be working overtime this weekend putting the Collard Greens Dude on people’s extremities. If I lived in the area, I would get one. I think I just came across a great future promotion. Collard Greens Dude Tattoo Night!

Does Collard Greens Dude have a name yet? Allen Lawrence [General Manager; Salem Beer Mongers] has sought my advice coming up for a name for their Beer Monger Dude, so I have a bit of experience in these things. Bartholomew might work because then we could call Collard Green Dude Big Bad Bart and sell boatloads of merchandise when the locals have a firm identity they can identify with. Or maybe we should just call him Ernie. Or Titus. Whatever the case, we always want him smiling.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

As of right now the Inland Empire 66ers, your primary employer, sit atop the California League Attendance Per Game leaderboard as other organizations stumbled at the gate while the 66ers were on the road. As you know, this is a very important homestand coming up as the 66ers only have two home weekends this month. I am a little bit concerned about the promotions this week as they do not exactly motivate people to get to San Manuel Stadium to spend their entertainment dollars like drunken railroad engineers in a Barstow brothel.

Let’s face it, Two Dollar Tuesdays are a bit of a buzzkill without drink specials. I know your organization does not want to complete with the omnipotent Thirsty Thursday, but a little shaving of beer prices would make people feel they are getting more of a bargain. Let’s get all scientific here andjust pull some numbers right out of our ass. Let’s say on Tuesday 500 draft beers are sold at $9.00 a pop for a total of $4500 (I am pretty sure that is a high estimate for Tuesdays, but I want to keep the math simple, like Quakes’ fans). Let’s say the 66ers lowered the prices on beer to 6 bucks, and sold 1000 beers because more drinkers like my friends came to the park. That would be an extra $1500 in beer revenue right there with a minimal extra in costs because draft beer is cheap.

Those drinkers are going to buy a great deal of two dollar hot dogs to soak up the alcohol in their bellies. They will probably get some nachos also, and perhaps buy some cool hats in the team store. You know what would really jump start this spending spree? $5.00 shots of Fireball, that is what.

For some reason the Cal League scheduled a morning game on Wednesday, which is a bit of a head scratcher since it is not a travel day, and the last week of school, which eliminates group camps and school field trips. This will probably be a gruesome day at the gate, but at least the employees will be well rested for Thirsty Thursday. However, this particular Thursday has a few local high school graduations, so you will be competing with caps and gowns. Families are not going to skip gradations to come watch baseball, so this is the perfect opportunity to target the adult entertainment crowd. “Hug A Hooker Night” is the sort of thing that could gain national attention. 

Friday is a Fireworks Night and Teacher Appreciation Night, which means a whole bunch of cheap drunks will enter the stadium, but school will be out for the summer, plus those teachers just received a raise, so maybe, just maybe, the cash registers will be ringing. The tipping will be for shit though. Hey, I have a great idea! Have a Beer Batter on Fridays as the beers really are not that cheap on Fridays anymore.

I am not quite sure what that Bernie/Slick mascot bobblehead is all about on Saturday Night, but It is probably time that Slick had a tragic accident in a truck bay and is no longer with us. Better yet, turn him into an object of parody who dies every night in some comic fashion like Kenny used to in South Park. Did you know that shortly after Bernie was introduced many years ago, your organization ran a promotion in which Bernie murdered the old mascot? Bernie shot the beloved Baseball Bug in cold blood on the dugout because there was only room for one mascot in San Bernardino. There was even a funeral for The Baseball Bug. Some people even wept, but not me for I was glad that creepy thing was dead.

You know what you be a great bobblehead night? Omar Vizquel Is Not A Hall of Famer Bobblehead Night, that is what. Vizquel played six games for the San Bernardino Spirit, so by minor league’s unwritten rules, he qualifies for a 66ers’ bobbed giveaway. Not only would people line up early for this giveaway, it would attract the attention of all the baseball scribes throughout the nation. Most would heap praise because Vizquel’s Hall of Fame support is ridiculous bullshit. Sure, the denizens of Cleveland would be mad, but those clown farts still worship at the altar of a loser mascot. Besides, what are they going to do, not come to a 66ers’ game? They do not even go to Indians’ games. Maybe Jose Mesa can throw out the first pitch.

Speaking of giveaways, is GM Joe ready to award me that 2019 California League All Star polo yet? My trip is coming up soon, and I want to look official as the 66ers’ Ambassador.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Does napalm count as fireworks?

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales and Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I am sure you are cognizant of the fact that the Down East Wood Ducks are about to clinch a playoff spot by winning the first half division. If you recall from the narrative, that is the team that sent me free merchandise and offered to let me throw out the first pitch later this summer. Coincidence? Of course not. We both know that there is no such thing as coincidences in the minor leagues. The baseball gods blew soft sunshine on the Woodies in this season of rain because I have that sort of cosmic pull. I bet if some Woodpecker gear were sent my way, your organization would be second half champs, bringing the playoffs to Segra Stadium. Can you year those post season cash registers ringing? Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads} sure can. 

I must commend your organization for handling the complaints of a vocal sect of batshit insane loons this first season. People will always going to complain about something, but you seem  to have a certain sect of unhinged pot pissers who have fully embraced social media to scream impotently into the wind. Imagine their reaction when the “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirts hit the street, thanks to my new buddies at Yellow Crayon. I do not have mine yet, but it is on the way!

I will be wearing my “Pecker hat tonight to the 66ers game. GM Joe seems to love the fact that I have embraced the Carolina League. I was even invited to the new VIP luxury suite last home stand because I am kind of important. The suite in pretty incredible and larger than a double wide on Tobacco Lane. I will be wearing the hat to Europe next week. I bet you will be seeing the first ‘Pecker hat underneath the Eiffel Tower real soon because I am a minor league ambassador extraordinaire. 

Hey, let’s say you do let me throw out a first pitch when I make my appearance at Segra Stadium later this summer — do I get walk up music also? I am not sure what I would choose. I do not want some tired old stadium warhorse, but I do want something the common man would know. Do you have any suggestions since we are tight and you know your crowds better than I do. Will Bunker be with me? Rumor is that DEWD is going to be pounding some suds with me in Kinston. Drinking a shot with Bunker would be pretty intense. You would have one with us, of course. Or eight.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Do you guys have any ‘Peckers boxers? I would wear them in Kinston if you do. I am not really a briefs guy though because I have big feet.

Dear Jacqueline Holm [General Manager; Quad City River Bandits]:

It has been a very long while since I last sent you a missive because the road is long for a minor league outlaw. I almost contacted you during a rain out in Stockton, but a hasty retreat was required to escape the charging hobos. Stockton is a vicious town in the rain.

I saw that yet another one of your home series has to be moved to another venue because of flooding, and I thank the baseball gods that I did not earnestly pursue that assistant GM/ride operator position you were flying this past winter. Imagine me a free spirit like myself trapped on that island, writing letters to the Army Corps of Engineers, requesting they re-route the Mississippi River so baseball could be played in the Quad Cities. 

I admit I do have recurring nightmares of being trapped on that island with Darren Pitra [Merchandise Manager; Quad City River Bandits] and Evan Wiseman [Productions Manager; Quad City River Bandits], assigned to fend off pirates who want to pillage Modern Woodsman Park. I must say I look smashing in my leather bandolier, but Evan keeps playing Van Halen: the Best of the Sammy Hagar Years, the river keeps rising, and we have to sustain ourselves off Professional Sports Catering food, which takes hours to get even though we are the only ones in the stadium. 

The rescue never comes, Jacqueline. It never comes. We are stuck in what Johnny Cougar once called the Great Midwest, either five years ahead of our time or twenty-five behind — no one really knows. I do not make it to Kinston to throw out the first pitch for the Woodies, nor am I the Celebrity Burrito Judge at San Manuel Stadium. I do not make it to Fayetteville to have drinks with Austin Schwartz in a luxury box. I am stuck in minor league hell with sins that will never be absolved. Morning eventually comes, and I awake, thankful the vividness is still just a dream, and today I set out for Fresno for or a game. Or Stockton. Or El Paso. The road goes on forever, but not to San Jose because they charge fifteen bucks to park in a stadium that most leagues would have abandoned in 2010.

Perhaps in late July the road will take me to the Quad Cities — perhaps that Thirsty Thursday on July 26th. Or perhaps the road will take to the Pioneer League. Minor League teams are clamoring for a visit from Bads85 this summer. Strangers are sending me minor league swag. If a River Bandits hoodie or the offer to throw out a first pitch somehow made it to me, well, I would probably be inclines to turn left out of Chicago.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: The Waterboys are putting out decent music in the year of 2019!

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I think it is safe to say that the California Burrito Night was a smashing success, largely in part because I was one the celebrity panel of judges. I bet when word got out that I was on the panel, the 66ers had at least 1000 tickets sold in walkup sales. I just have that sort of pull in the community. I attended the game Friday also and over 4000 people showed up. I did not go Sunday, and only 1,200 showed up. Coincidence? I think not. It is a good think I am well grounded, or being one the panel might have gone to my head. I hope GM Joe was not upset I received louder cheers than he during our introductions.

Sure, the weather might have a small factor on the attendance on Sunday, but even if it had not been raining, I think there would have been less than 2,500 tickets sold. Look, I know if has been an abnormally wet spring, and every minor league team has experienced its share of lost ticket sales due to inclement weather, but minor league front offices shaking their fists at the sky has become unsightly. You know who also used to blame it in the rain? Milli Vanilli, and look what happened to them. When bad weather spills into multiple years, it is no longer an anomaly, it is a trend.

True fact: in 1997, one of the wettest years on record in California, the Inland Empire 66ers drew 273,736 fans, averaging 3,910 a game, and were fourth in the California League in attendance. The dreaded Rancho Cucamonga Quakes led the league in attendance with 404,525 (5,778). These days, the 66ers cannot even average 2,900 a game for a season with an extended Mike Trout rehab with the 66ers.

So what changed in the last twenty years in the California League? Well, back then baseball fans were still righteously pissed at the Major Leagues for the cancellation of the World Series in 1994, and were flocking to minor league games. Soon, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa would start injecting their asses with steroids and save Major League Baseball because chicks dig the long ball. Today, there is an exodus of MLB fans because the product has become as bloated as the carcass of Led Zeppelin in the post Physical Graffiti years. Unfortunately, Minor League Baseball has become fat itself, living off large group sales, corporate sponsorships that could dissipate with changing tax laws, and unsustainably high concession prices.

While a return the golden age of Cal League attendance is unlikely, the time is right to ensure a great deal of that MLB money gets into MiLB coffers. People are tired of paying $10 for a beer at the ballpark. Hell, they are tired of paying $9.00 for one on a Saturday night at San Manuel Stadium, but this missive is shockingly not about slashing beer prices; it Is about fully embracing the outlaw spirit with Sunday games. However, I have run out of time to go into great detail, but think Biker Sundays! And Shoplifters Unite!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Do you know what was the best part of the California Burrito Night? We formally met during the Beer Mile!

Dear Sam Hansen [Director, Marketing Creative; Fresno Grizzlies]:

Well, you guys sure stepped in the cow dung last night with your little Memorial Day video that included a still shot of a US Congresswoman in a narrative about enemies of the State. I am sure the amount of outrage you have received today has been enormous, so let me assure you I am not here to pile on, but to offer rapid solutions to end this public relations nightmare. Remember, I am a smoke jumper (metaphorically), and putting out blazes like this is what I do best.

First of all, do not panic at the level of vitriol on the internet. All those people threatening to never attend a Grizzlies’ game again never went to Chukchansi Park for baseball anyway. There are just fools who believe that their words and actions have some of potency, but those clowns struggle to leave a fourteen percent tip at Applebee’s. However, many of your regulars are going to feel confused seeing an organization they trust step on their cocks in such epic fashion so these people need to reassured their best interests are still at heart, so you should slash beer prices.

I know you are thinking, Bads85, your solution to everything is to slash beer prices. Please do not confuse solutions to first steps. Lowering beer prices is just the start of the journey — any journey. Life is a long and winding road, and the end is not just over the horizon. The Beatles wrote a song about it once right before they broke up. Cutting beer prices illustrates to the fans that your organization is contrite and wants to be forgiven for its sins. Have a “Hate the Sin, not the Sinner Night”, roll up some taco trucks, and let the cheap beer flow. Forever.

Secondly, resist the urge to fire the employee who was responsible as punitive discipline is for fascists and Baby Boomers who were raised by those who beat the fascists and thought they could write blank checks in terms of disciplining their children. Use this as a teaching moments for students to show that blindly copying one’s homework off the internet often ends badly. If the public continues to demand a scapegoat, recruit a hobo that lives in walking distance of the stadium there are plenty of them), clean him up, create a fake backstory, and pretend to fire him. 

Or blame a Professional Sports Catering Employee. They probably sent the video to your underling anyway. Those people are insanely jealous of the Taco Truck Throwdown and have probably set out to sabotage it. You must protect the Taco Truck Throwdown at all costs. 

Thirdly, you know how they say there is no bad publicity in the minor leagues? Well, this is one of the very few exceptions. You are going to have to harness some of your genius to come up with a promotion to make people forget about this. Perhaps a combination Lucha Libre and Tractor Pull Night — or wresting on moving tractors! With soft pretzel specials! And spicy mustard! Maybe have an Ashley Swearengin Bobblehead Night because everyone loves the former mayor —- except those that do not. Perhaps it is better for your organization to avoid all things political for a very long time. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I assume your resume’ is in order in case you have to beat a hasty retreat.

Dear Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

How is the greatest executive in minor league baseball doing today? I hope better than yesterday afternoon when the 66ers were still fourth in attendance in the California League. Last night’s crowd of of four thousand pushed the 66ers past those clowns from Rancho in attendance per game. We’re now number three, behind the Storm and the Ports. I am sure we will catch the Ports by season’s end because this weather will not last forever. Guns & Roses wrote a song about it once. 

Yes, I said “we” in regard to your organization because I think we would agree that I have unofficially been part of your front office since 2014. After all, I am one of the greatest ambassadors in minor league baseball, traveling from park to park across the nation to share the oral tradition of the Cal League and the 66ers with fans and minor league executives. From the Pioneer and Northwest Leagues to the Southern and Eastern Leagues, I have retold the brave exploits of the gritty crew who work at San Manuel Stadium, led by their ruggedly handsome, brilliant leader. 

This summer I will be heading to the Carolina and NY Penn Leagues to do ambassador thing. Wade Howell [Vice President Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to throw out a first pitch because he likes me so much. I sent him a 66ers shot glass and t-shirt as a token of my appreciation, plus I plan on wearing my El Cucuy hat when I throw out the first pitch. I am sure the locals will stare at El Cucuy in wonder because it is the best Copa de la Diversion alternative logo.  Plus, I am pretty gorgeous myself — not Adonis like you though.

I propose it is time you made me an official part of the 66ers front office. Once I win the Powerball thingy, I am going to buy the team anyway, but that has not happened as quickly as I initially planned. I do not request any monetary compensation for my efforts as it is a labor of love that transcends material wealth. As you well know, I am a giver. I just want a bunch of those cool business cards with the 66ers logo and my name and my title “Special Assistant on Assignment” to hand to front offices when I arrive at their parks so I do not get stuck in the cheap seats with the peasants. Since I am representing the 66ers, I probably should have a couple of polo shirts wit the 66ers logo for my trip, especially that 2019 Cal League All Star polo that is not available to the public. Imagine how sharp that will look on me when I enter the gates of the new Segra Stadium to have cocktails with Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers].

You might be asking yourself exactly what you will get out this other than my creative promotional genius. Well, it is time for you to start building your legacy, and I am just the guy to spread the word about how you are the face of minor league baseball. I am sure it will not be very long until we have our own reality TV show. You would be the star of course, and I would the MacGuffin that pushes the plot each week. Sometimes we would even be wearing matching shirts as we discuss the four gospels of minor league attendance: fan retention, corporate sponsorship, group sales, and concessions/merchandise.

I will also give you wisdom like this: The California League gets its ass kicked in Education Days compared to other leagues because schools often do not come back the next year. The main reason this is is because Teacher Hell is standing in a slow moving concession line with a bunch of second graders waiting on a hot dog. I offer you a simple solution: keep those little kids away from the concession lines by setting up a cafeteria lime in one of the pavilions. The teachers march the kids through the line at a designated time, get their little food package and return to their seats. Little kids cannot handle concessions lines, but cafeteria lines are already ingrained in them. Most importantly, this frees us your concession lines so the older kids can spend small fortunes on concessions.

Another option is to have students from Cesar E. Chavez Middle School complete community service hours by taking the pre-bought hot dog packages to their seats. The 66ers could market Education Day to elementary school teachers by promising seat side service for their kids. There might be a food handler license problem with that, but I am sure we can find a solution.

I must finish my preparations for the Beer Mile tonight, so I am going to cut this short. I am sure we can discuss this at the bar (which I have idea on how to market as well).

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Bring back Knockerball!