Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:
Thank the baseball deities you are alive! I was really starting to think the Stockton Hobos had turned you into dinner because nothing says Stockton like cannibalism. Or is it asparagus? I get the two edibles confused. I understand you have been busy; May is the month that defines the season. Well, except for June because that is pretty huge. And July! A fireworks display can change everything.
Before I delve into the epic journey to Stockton in the rain, let’s back the truck up and talk about that Game of Thrones finale. Let me talk you down from the ledge. Jon Snow received what he ultimately wanted: to be the leader of the Wildings instead of being a goofy king for the shit in the south. It is sort of like how minor league warriors push aside Major League Baseball for a life of promotions, mascots, and women in fur – just like the Cal League! Who needs Westeros when you have Thirsty Thursday?
Sansa received The North, honoring her father, who was also a big fan of Thirsty Thursday. Bran is in charge of Westeros, and you know one of the first thing he is going to introduce to appease the masses is Thirsty Thursday, and the last surviving Lannister is his bitch. They are going to build a state of the art stadium with a massive scoreboard and not have to worry abut city council bickering to do it. Anya is headed off to lands unknown to introduce the uninitiated to Thirsty Thursday. The Starks are Cal League champs! The Lannisters are the High Desert and Bakersfield and have nothing!
Yes, the rain has been brutal in the California League this season. GM Joe Hudson was lamenting about it last night, and I felt like saying, “The drought is over! Plan accordingly! Those poor sods in the Quad Cities have only been able to have three home games all season until this week. Every game counts! Make Mondays better!” I did not say any of that though because I was concerned he would realize that I was being overserved at the bar, and there is a great deal of season still left.
Unfortunately, I will not be at the Cal League All Star Game because I will be in Europe spreading minor league goodwill. I assure you I will wear some Stockton Ports gear while trekking across the Old World. The Ports in Paris! Maybe Munich also. I must say I like your Copa de la Diversion jerseys – the Caballos are bad ass, not El Cucuy bad ass, but then nothing is.
I would strongly encourage you to make the trip for the All Star Game even though I will not be there. Perhaps the bartender Aaron could have a picture of my likeness on the bar, and it would be kind of like drinking with me. Maybe GM Joe will have a little shindig for Cal League execs in the new VIP luxury suite. Hopefully, you will receive one of the cool Cal League All Star polos that are so hard to get these days. I think Joe is going to give me one for my birthday.
Anyway, let’s hope the drought like conditions return for the rest of the summer so attendance numbers will climb.
Your friend in baseball,