I Reach Out To a God

Dear Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]:

How is the greatest executive in minor league baseball doing today? I hope better than yesterday afternoon when the 66ers were still fourth in attendance in the California League. Last night’s crowd of of four thousand pushed the 66ers past those clowns from Rancho in attendance per game. We’re now number three, behind the Storm and the Ports. I am sure we will catch the Ports by season’s end because this weather will not last forever. Guns & Roses wrote a song about it once. 

Yes, I said “we” in regard to your organization because I think we would agree that I have unofficially been part of your front office since 2014. After all, I am one of the greatest ambassadors in minor league baseball, traveling from park to park across the nation to share the oral tradition of the Cal League and the 66ers with fans and minor league executives. From the Pioneer and Northwest Leagues to the Southern and Eastern Leagues, I have retold the brave exploits of the gritty crew who work at San Manuel Stadium, led by their ruggedly handsome, brilliant leader. 

This summer I will be heading to the Carolina and NY Penn Leagues to do ambassador thing. Wade Howell [Vice President Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to throw out a first pitch because he likes me so much. I sent him a 66ers shot glass and t-shirt as a token of my appreciation, plus I plan on wearing my El Cucuy hat when I throw out the first pitch. I am sure the locals will stare at El Cucuy in wonder because it is the best Copa de la Diversion alternative logo.  Plus, I am pretty gorgeous myself — not Adonis like you though.

I propose it is time you made me an official part of the 66ers front office. Once I win the Powerball thingy, I am going to buy the team anyway, but that has not happened as quickly as I initially planned. I do not request any monetary compensation for my efforts as it is a labor of love that transcends material wealth. As you well know, I am a giver. I just want a bunch of those cool business cards with the 66ers logo and my name and my title “Special Assistant on Assignment” to hand to front offices when I arrive at their parks so I do not get stuck in the cheap seats with the peasants. Since I am representing the 66ers, I probably should have a couple of polo shirts wit the 66ers logo for my trip, especially that 2019 Cal League All Star polo that is not available to the public. Imagine how sharp that will look on me when I enter the gates of the new Segra Stadium to have cocktails with Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers].

You might be asking yourself exactly what you will get out this other than my creative promotional genius. Well, it is time for you to start building your legacy, and I am just the guy to spread the word about how you are the face of minor league baseball. I am sure it will not be very long until we have our own reality TV show. You would be the star of course, and I would the MacGuffin that pushes the plot each week. Sometimes we would even be wearing matching shirts as we discuss the four gospels of minor league attendance: fan retention, corporate sponsorship, group sales, and concessions/merchandise.

I will also give you wisdom like this: The California League gets its ass kicked in Education Days compared to other leagues because schools often do not come back the next year. The main reason this is is because Teacher Hell is standing in a slow moving concession line with a bunch of second graders waiting on a hot dog. I offer you a simple solution: keep those little kids away from the concession lines by setting up a cafeteria lime in one of the pavilions. The teachers march the kids through the line at a designated time, get their little food package and return to their seats. Little kids cannot handle concessions lines, but cafeteria lines are already ingrained in them. Most importantly, this frees us your concession lines so the older kids can spend small fortunes on concessions.

Another option is to have students from Cesar E. Chavez Middle School complete community service hours by taking the pre-bought hot dog packages to their seats. The 66ers could market Education Day to elementary school teachers by promising seat side service for their kids. There might be a food handler license problem with that, but I am sure we can find a solution.

I must finish my preparations for the Beer Mile tonight, so I am going to cut this short. I am sure we can discuss this at the bar (which I have idea on how to market as well).

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Bring back Knockerball!

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